Christmas Photos - 2009

Happy Holidays!! The twins are 3 1/2 and I can't believe how very grown up they look. Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season and a Fantastic New Year!

Time for an Update

Well, I realize a lot has been goin on and I haven't updated my blog in a while. So, here goes...The kids are in school and C is responding so well to his teacher, the class, the structure, the techniques of teaching and shaping his behavior, it's just wonderful. We can see evidence already and it's such a blessing and a relief. Little T loves her class too...the teacher says she's really engaged, right there with her on everything and she's really bright. Well, we knew that, now didn't we. She also gets some fun alone time with T, so that's been fun for both of them. We celebrated Thanksgiving last Saturday with my side of the family and so this Thurs. we are going to pull out all the boxes and decorate for Christmas, YAY! The kids are excited and already talking about Jesus' birthday, Santa bringing presents, the tree, the lights, etc...C said he was going to sit on Santa's lap and ask him to bring him a park..yes, that's right, he wants a park for Christmas. I told him that might be a bit out of Santa's budget. Then, T's mom and dad (Grammy and Pop-pop) in MN sent packages that we received today with wrapped Christmas presents and the kids are so excited! We are going back to Redding for Christmas to visit my Aunt and Uncle and they say there might be a little snow. It will certainly be cold and crisp and should make for a fun Christmas. The kids are totally excited...they loved being at my Aunt's house. My great neice is getting so big (7 mos) and my nephew and his wife are pregnant with their second child already..wow!

I haven't been doing so good with the healthy eating as of late...I need to get back on track. Right now we're all sick with colds and sore throats - so hopefully we'll be feeling better soon. I sure am thankful for my wife and my kids - I am so blessed to have a family. I love them so!

My little "big" girl

My little T, growing up so fast. You know the stage where kids say very insightful things, and very factual things, not trying to offend or hurt anyone, but obviously just realizing and commenting on things within the world - as they see it? Well, here are a list of insightful and funny things recently said by my daughter.

1. Mommy, you should tell your work that you are busy with your family and never go back. (AMEN! ;-)

2. Everyone is different, like you have dark brown hair Mommy, but we love you anyway.

3. Ga-Ga, your tummy is big, my tummy is small.

4. Since babies are born 2 at a time, where does the other baby go when families only have one?

5. Can I be nocturnal so I can play with Peeps kitty while everyone sleeps at night?

6. I don't want C to be alone, so I should be with him in his preschool class.

7. Ga-Ga, when you were little, where did you and Grampa live?

Oh, kids say the darndest things!!

Engrossed in the Vikings vs. Ravens game today - the Vikes pulled it out at the end!!!! WOO-HOO!

Well, still workin on making healthy choices, just one meal/snack/etc...at a time. Some days it's pretty easy and it feels great and I desire to exercise and everything. Then, there are days like today and I just want to eat. I'm hungry and I want to snack and I want to eat good tasting food. I think I am PMS'n, so no wonder. 18.5 pounds down...will keep on truckin. It's a lifestyle - about moderation and balance and not just about the moment. I can do this...I really can.
Anyhow, on the kid front, C has his IEP next week and then he's going to start school the very next day - SDC (Special Day Class). He'll go all day, from like 9:00 - 3:30. That's a long day, but I understand that for autistic kids, the reinforcement is huge, the routine, schedule, etc...
It's really weird, I know that kids eventually grow up and go to school and their parents don't accompany them, but now being a parent, it's a bizarre thought to me that my kids will go and have this life - completely separate from me - and experience things and build relationships and try to navigate the world WITHOUT me. It's very odd and I think what if some thing's bothering them, or I can tell something hurt their feelings, or what if some other kid is mean, or what if no one is friendly to them....it kills me to think they'll have to deal with all of this WITHOUT me or T. I know, I know...we all did it, but being a parent now, it just doesn't seem right!!!!
On another note, the Vikings (football team - became loyal fan through marriage) are currently 6-0 and doing great - they may go all the way to the Superbowl and I promised T a long time ago that if they ever go, we'd try and get tix. I better start savin my money! Here is little T and C, rootin for the Vikes!

Positive Change

Well I can't believe it's October already. The only thing exciting is that Pa's Pumpkin Patch should be opening soon and the kids LOVE the rides and fun stuff at Pa's. About a month ago, I decided to start making healthier choices regarding what I eat and just take it one day at a time, making the best choice at the moment. I also decided to drink tons of water each day because my body really feels better when I do. As a result, I've lost 14 pounds!! I am so excited and I have A LOT of weight to lose, but that is not my focus and I am not going to rush it. I want to be healthy and I want to have energy for my kiddos, so I will keep pressing forward and try to make good, healthy choices. I won't deprive myself, just try as much as possible to eat healthy. As a result, I pray the weight will just keep falling off. Eventually, I will start to exercise also, and that will help me feel better.

So, I will keep posting here as my journey continues. Healthier lifestyle, it's you and me babe!! ;-)

Race 4 the Cure!

Today, T ran the Susan G. Koeman Race for the Cure 5K. I was so proud of her. She and a friend both signed up and trained a bit and they did great! It was so emotional, seeing all of the breast cancer survivors and watching them cross the finish line as well. Today, we raced for T's mom, our good friend Carol, our good friend Jody and our good friend Mary. It's amazing if you really think about the stats...1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. Over and over today, we heard stories today and the main theme was early detection and early treatment. God bless all of the women who have already walked this journey, and those that still will. We WILL find a cure!

Redding Vacation 2009 - A Total Blast!!

What fun we had in Redding. We drove all night Thurs night, arriving around 8:15am Friday morning. My Aunt and Uncle have a beautiful home in a gorgeous forest of a neighborhood. We had breakfast and decided to go out on the lake. The kids loved it. We tubed, and drove the boat around, rode a jet ski (the entire family, including the kiddos), took an early evening boat ride and had fun times hangin at the house in the jacuzzi and beautiful surroundings. Little C was in heaven because every single room at my Aunt's house had a fan, and he is obsessed with fans - loves them! Little T had fun with Auntie as they both put curlers in their hair at night. (of course Auntie would keep hers in all night and little T took hers out after about 5 minutes.) T went kayaking in the early morning and I LOVED rockin the jet ski around the lake at 45 miles per hour. I even survived as I flipped it (on accident) 3 times! oops! I got a little crazy - but had the time of my life! We will hopefully plan a yearly trip to visit...and the kids were awesome road trip companions. I especially loved when they woke up at 2am and we all had french fries from McDonalds (which NEVER happens) and then sang and laughed...that made it an offical family road trip for sure! We're back home, tan and rested. Thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for being so gracious! A great time was had by all!

1st Road Trip

Well, we're off...to hit the road for the next 9-10 hours. We're going to Redding to stay with my Aunt and play at Lake Shasta. I can't wait...the boat, sea-do, sun, ect...also she has tree frogs and fishies in the pond and the kids are gonna love it! Now, we've done the airplane thing 3 times and we're pros, but...not the open road. This is our 1st family road trip. The last time we went anywhere in the car together, it was Big Bear and the kids were about 1 1/2 and they both got car sick and threw up all over within 5 seconds of each other. I cried...what a bad mommy I was, not thinking that my babies could get car sick and just hailin it up the mountain. So, this time it's long and flat driving, so that won't be an issue. We are driving all night and hopefully the kids are going to sleep. It will be dark and we'll be on the freeway, so chances are good...but you just never know. Vacation here we come...I'll post more when we return!

Cousins

Little T loved holding her baby cousin, and C thought it was so cute that we tucked them in together for nap time. He kept looking over at her, rubbing her head softly and then giving her a kiss on her head. It was so sweet. At one point, she spit her pacifier out on accident, so then C spit his out...it was pretty cute! (Yes, we still allow the kids to have their pacifier at nap time - not ready to tackle that quite yet)

The OC Super Fair 2009

We had a blast over the weekend at the Orange County Fair. One of the kids' good friend joined us (with her mommy) and it was tons of fun! It was super hot though. I totally recommend going at 10am when they first open...no lines, worth it! I'm sure we'll be visiting again soon. T and I are going on 8-8 to see Melissa Ethridge play at the Fair - Live and Alone - Can't wait! The kids went on a pony ride and I just didn't feel right about it so I won't do that again. The ponies looked so sad and tired and hot and they had to walk around in a circle attached to this gizmo...it just didn't seem right. I am sure these ponies were not created to do this....just my experience. So, I'm not goin to do the pony ride thing again. But overall, a fun time was had by all!

Cousins

Little T, on the right, with her 2nd cousin, baby Vanessa. Little T is so loving and sweet. She adores baby Vanessa and is so gentle with her. They were both cuddling on Auntie Amber's lap. Beautiful!!

Rough Waters Ahead

Well now that we live in Huntington Beach, we have this new "beach" lifestyle. And this new lifestyle, well it requires a certain fashion sense.

Here, let's allow the picture to do all the talking.

My boy C, circa Summer 2009 - heading out to the deep waters of the community swimming pool. Oh come on now, you know you wish you looked 1/2 this cool when you were 3 and just learning to swim! ;-)

Angry at the world!!!

I am angry! I am angry that my son has Autism. I am angry that his symptoms seem to be getting worse and there's nothing I can do to help. I feel so helpless! I am angry that all the doctor's want to seem to do is make him fit into this box of what they think Autism is and then put him on drugs. I am angry that we share a little about some of his meltdowns and all of a sudden the doctor writes up an evaluation that says he has tantrums for hours and is aggressive. He is NOT and his tantrums have never lasted longer than 1 hour max. I am angry that there is this need to make him dangerous or in need of being on psychotropic medication. That is BS! I am angry that he has this disorder that takes him away from me at times. I am angry that his senses get so overstimulated that he cannot even go with me to the grocery store. I am angry. I know I'll get over it...but right now I feel so angry and helpless.

He is my boy and I'll be the first to describe his challenges and tell you exactly what he needs help with, etc...but he doesn't need to be on pills! I HATE DR'S THAT JUST WANT TO PRESCRIBE MEDS FOR EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!

He is my boy. He is my boy!

Well, I haven't posted in a long time, I know...bad blogger! Well, since I am layin in bed sick today, I thought I'd take a few minutes and write a quick update. The twins turned 3 years old!!! I still can't believe it. They had a great birthday party at Adventure City, a little mini toddler amusement park.

We've also encountered A LOT of change. Our dog Morgan had to be put to sleep as her health was failing and her kidney had stopped working. It was very sad. The kids actually think she is still at the animal hospital. We miss you mo-g!

We also moved! So, we said goodbye to the house where the babies were born, and we have moved into a new place. The new house is smaller, but in a better neighborhood and in a great school district!

Also, C has been struggling more and more with his Autism. Some days are really good and some are really, really challenging and draining.

Well, that's it for now. Back to resting I go. I promise to blog again soon.

Perspective

10 Things a Child with Autism wants you to know.......

1.) I am first and foremost a child. My autism is only one aspect of my total character. It does not define me as a person. Are you a person with thoughts, feelings and many talents, or are you just fat (overweight), myopic (wear glasses) or klutzy (uncoordinated, not good at sports)? Those may be things that I see first when I meet you, but they are not necessarily what you are all about.As an adult, you have some control over how you define yourself. If you want to single out a single characteristic, you can make that known. As a child, I am still unfolding. Neither you nor I yet know what I may be capable of. Defining me by one characteristic runs the danger of setting up an expectation that may be too low. And if I get a sense that you don’t think I “can do it,” my natural response will be: Why try?

2.) My sensory perceptions are disordered. Sensory integration may be the most difficult aspect of autism to understand, but it is arguably the most critical. It his means that the ordinary sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touches of everyday that you may not even notice can be downright painful for me. The very environment in which I have to live often seems hostile. I may appear withdrawn or belligerent to you but I am really just trying to defend myself. Here is why a “simple” trip to the grocery store may be hell for me:My hearing may be hyper-acute. Dozens of people are talking at once. The loudspeaker booms today’s special. Musak whines from the sound system. Cash registers beep and cough, a coffee grinder is chugging. The meat cutter screeches, babies wail, carts creak, the fluorescent lighting hums. My brain can’t filter all the input and I’m in overload!My sense of smell may be highly sensitive. The fish at the meat counter isn’t quite fresh, the guy standing next to us hasn’t showered today, the deli is handing out sausage samples, the baby in line ahead of us has a poopy diaper, they’re mopping up pickles on aisle 3 with ammonia….I can’t sort it all out. I am dangerously nauseated.Because I am visually oriented (see more on this below), this may be my first sense to become overstimulated. The fluorescent light is not only too bright, it buzzes and hums. The room seems to pulsate and it hurts my eyes. The pulsating light bounces off everything and distorts what I am seeing -- the space seems to be constantly changing. There’s glare from windows, too many items for me to be able to focus (I may compensate with "tunnel vision"), moving fans on the ceiling, so many bodies in constant motion. All this affects my vestibular and proprioceptive senses, and now I can’t even tell where my body is in space.

3.) Please remember to distinguish between won’t (I choose not to) and can’t (I am not able to). Receptive and expressive language and vocabulary can be major challenges for me. It isn’t that I don’t listen to instructions. It’s that I can’t understand you. When you call to me from across the room, this is what I hear: “*&^%$#@, Billy. #$%^*&^%$&*………” Instead, come speak directly to me in plain words: “Please put your book in your desk, Billy. It’s time to go to lunch.” This tells me what you want me to do and what is going to happen next. Now it is much easier for me to comply.

4.) I am a concrete thinker. This means I interpret language very literally. It’s very confusing for me when you say, “Hold your horses, cowboy!” when what you really mean is “Please stop running.” Don’t tell me something is a “piece of cake” when there is no dessert in sight and what you really mean is “this will be easy for you to do.” When you say “Jamie really burned up the track,” I see a kid playing with matches. Please just tell me “Jamie ran very fast.”Idioms, puns, nuances, double entendres, inference, metaphors, allusions and sarcasm are lost on me.

5.) Please be patient with my limited vocabulary. It’s hard for me to tell you what I need when I don’t know the words to describe my feelings. I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened or confused but right now those words are beyond my ability to express. Be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation or other signs that something is wrong.Or, there’s a flip side to this: I may sound like a “little professor” or movie star, rattling off words or whole scripts well beyond my developmental age. These are messages I have memorized from the world around me to compensate for my language deficits because I know I am expected to respond when spoken to. They may come from books, TV, the speech of other people. It is called “echolalia.” I don’t necessarily understand the context or the terminology I’m using. I just know that it gets me off the hook for coming up with a reply.

6.) Because language is so difficult for me, I am very visually oriented. Please show me how to do something rather than just telling me. And please be prepared to show me many times. Lots of consistent repetition helps me learn.A visual schedule is extremely helpful as I move through my day. Like your day-timer, it relieves me of the stress of having to remember what comes next, makes for smooth transition between activities, helps me manage my time and meet your expectations. I won’t lose the need for a visual schedule as I get older, but my “level of representation” may change. Before I can read, I need a visual schedule with photographs or simple drawings. As I get older, a combination of words and pictures may work, and later still, just words.

7.) Please focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can’t do. Like any other human, I can’t learn in an environment where I’m constantly made to feel that I’m not good enough and that I need “fixing.” Trying anything new when I am almost sure to be met with criticism, however “constructive,” becomes something to be avoided. Look for my strengths and you will find them. There is more than one “right” way to do most things.

8.) Please help me with social interactions. It may look like I don’t want to play with the other kids on the playground, but sometimes it’s just that I simply do not know how to start a conversation or enter a play situation. If you can encourage other children to invite me to join them at kickball or shooting baskets, it may be that I’m delighted to be included.I do best in structured play activities that have a clear beginning and end. I don’t know how to “read” facial expressions, body language or the emotions of others, so I appreciate ongoing coaching in proper social responses. For example, if I laugh when Emily falls off the slide, it’s not that I think it’s funny. It’s that I don’t know the proper response. Teach me to say “Are you OK?”

9.) Try to identify what triggers my meltdowns. Meltdowns, blow-ups, tantrums or whatever you want to call them are even more horrid for me than they are for you. They occur because one or more of my senses has gone into overload. If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented. Keep a log noting times, settings, people, activities. A pattern may emerge.Try to remember that all behavior is a form of communication. It tells you, when my words cannot, how I perceive something that is happening in my environment. Parents, keep in mind as well: persistent behavior may have an underlying medical cause. Food allergies and sensitivities, sleep disorders and gastrointestinal problems can all have profound effects on behavior.

10.) Love me unconditionally. Banish thoughts like, “If he would just……” and “Why can’t she…..” You did not fulfill every last expectation your parents had for you and you wouldn’t like being constantly reminded of it. I did not choose to have autism. But remember that it is happening to me, not you. Without your support, my chances of successful, self-reliant adulthood are slim. With your support and guidance, the possibilities are broader than you might think. I promise you -- I am worth it.And finally, three words: Patience. Patience. Patience. Work to view my autism as a different ability rather than a disability. Look past what you may see as limitations and see the gifts autism has given me. It may be true that I’m not good at eye contact or conversation, but have you noticed that I don’t lie, cheat at games, tattle on my classmates or pass judgment on other people? Also true that I probably won’t be the next Michael Jordan. But with my attention to fine detail and capacity for extraordinary focus, I might be the next Einstein. Or Mozart. Or Van Gogh.

The Adventure

I woke up last night around 3am (well, technically it was this morning) and there was a foul, horrid, scary smell permeating the house. After snooping around to try and figure out where it was coming from, I woke up T. She then snooped around and tried to figure out where it was coming from. Then, little C woke up, who has very alert senses and he couldn't go back to sleep. Eventually, we decided to be safe and evacuate the house until morning, at which time Grandpa and T could return to the home front and call the gas company to find out what was causing the odor. Was it a leak? I don't know...but it made me sick and gave me a headache.

So, off to Grandma's house at 4am. The kids did very well (surprisingly) and we snuggled them in and they went back to sleep until 8:30am. YEA!

T and Grandpa returned and the gas company sent someone to the house. Luckily it was not a leak, but something he thought came through the vents from the outside. The neighbors were painting their house, so we went and smelled their paint...nope, not the smell.

Hmm...we have no idea. Thank goodness it's almost gone (a bit strong still in our bedroom, yea, really lookin forward to going to bed...NOT!) I have such a sensitive nose and it will make me sick...so here I sit, in the living room.

Anyhow, it definitely felt and smelled like a chemical reaction of some sort. It was awful.

As little T said when we were leaving at 4am and we had just woken her up, "What's dat yucky smell mommy? Let's get away from it and go to Ga-Ga's!"

Thank God for Ga-Ga and Grandpa!

Little T, so sweet and beautiful. This week, while I've been home on vacation, she has been acting out a little bit. It's my opinion that even negative attention is attention and since we've been giving C a bit more attention lately due to his recent diagnosis, I think T is not sure why and she wants more of our time and energy. So, I've been trying to give her more of me when I am home....and it seems to be helping.

I talked to her the other day...about our boy and I said, you know how C has a hard time sometimes, well can you say autism and she said "autism" and I said well that is something C has and sometimes it just makes it hard for him to work through things. I said, we will just have to help take care of him ok? She said, is he sick (and it reminded me that she is only 3 - almost) and I said no baby, he is not sick, he just needs some extra help sometimes, can you help mommy with that. She said sure mommy! It was so darling. I do believe that she is his special angel. They have such a bond and I know she will help him immensely through this journey. I am so grateful for my boy who is so sweet and my girl who is so caring!!

Happy Easter! We had a fun time this morning as the twins found their Easter Baskets and then also went on an egg hunt. Although, then they (of course, silly mommy) wanted to eat every piece of chocolate and every jelly bean in each egg...so we had to quickly cut them off! We made it to church, but then had many melt downs, as church is just too much for C these days. Too much stimulation, too much social interaction...it really sends him over the edge. I know some adults that have that same issue with Church....hmmmm, interesting.

All in all, we had a fun Easter. Now, we are all on vacation. I don't have to work all week and the kids and T are off school. We have lots of fun things planned as a family.

Here's wishing you and yours a great Spring Break!

A Shift in Reality

So, here I am, trying to get well. I've had mono and enlarged, infected limphnodes...and I am headed back to work tomorrow. (Been out only 3 days, compared to the usual 10-15 that most people miss when trying to recover from mono.)

And...in the midst of this recovery, we receive news that will forever change our reality. Little C, my boy, has high functioning Autism. There were signs and we had concerns, but then he would overcome the issue or challenge and we would dismiss it. He is also verbal and he is loving and affectionate, and I had only read about kids with severe (or classic) autism who were not affectionate and who were non-verbal, so again, I didn' think it applied to C.

Now that I read about ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder, I see so much of my little boy in the symptoms described as "high functioning." He is verbal, but doesn't connect with his feelings or the feelings of others. He has some challenges socially and doesn't engage with you always (eye to eye). He doesn't play with other kids, but prefers to play alone. He is obsessed with ferris wheels, cogs, gear wheels and things that go round and round. Apparently this is common with autistic children as well. (being fascinated with some topic/object)

So, we are processing and researching and at the same time, I feel so sad and grieved for my boy and the challenges he may face. I feel alone, in this world; that no one could possibly understand...and yet, I know there are other parents who have gone before me. I am constantly (every waking moment) on line looking for more research, studies, etc...and then when I hit my limit (overwhelmed completely with information), I feel guilty for trying to just relax, sleep, get well, watch a movie, etc...I know that we will love and support him through this journey, but he was just diagnosed yesterday and so it's still raw and fresh and I am sad. I am sad for him, his twin sister, for me and my partner, for the world...and I don't want the sadness to overtake me. I know he is loving, sweet, funny and smart...but then I read about the challenges during the teen years or during adult life that he may face and I am so sad yet again. I am still processing everything of course, and feeling so heavy in my heart...but I do know this, I love him and will protect him and support him all the days of my life! He is my son. He is highly intelligent, has an amazing memory, has an infectous laugh and his spirit is very sweet. I will love him and do whatever it takes to help him through this!!!!

Test the water...but then DIVE IN!!!

Little T at her first Beach Trip, sitting in the water, checking it all out. You know, that so represents how we approach new things in life as people. We want to try it out, check it all out, sit for a bit and get used to it and then decide if we really want to commit and "dive in"...put yourself out there. Recently I had a friend tell me to take it slow and not trust so easily. You know, I don't agree with that advice and maybe that is why I do get hurt from time to time. I take people at their word and I believe them to be honest and good; until they show me otherwise. For example, I have a new colleague at work who has become a good friend already. I believe that new friends arrive and surface in your life at just the right moment. I am sure you've heard that saying - Some for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime. Well I am so fortunate that he and I have become fast friends. Right off the bat it was obvious that we had a lot in common, but even more so, he is genuine, honest and trustworthy. If you have ever worked for people, or with people, who are disingenuous, deceitful and people who betray your trust, you know how very valuable it is to be able to trust someone and know that they truly have your best interest at heart. That is how I feel about him...so thank you Joe for your friendship. I am so glad we are in it all together!! Hi Javi...congrats on your new home!! ;-)

Easter 2007

Easter 2007 - we were tryin to get pics of the kids. They got these soft, big bunnies from some friends of ours, so we were trying to prop them up and get a cute pic. LOL...they just kept slumping over and slipping down; the bunnies and the babies!

2nd year birthday was curious george

1st year birthday was a barnyard bash

AND...I can't believe it's that time again. The twins will be 3 in 3 months!!!!!!! We are thinking of doing a Carnival Theme...with hot dogs, popcorn, cotton candy, games and of course, possibly a FERRIS WHEEL. Those of you that know us well, know that my son is ADDICTED to Ferris Wheels. I am hoping it all works out. We'll have to wait and see.

Little T - she makes me SMILE!

Little T and her famous smile...it started in the womb!!!

Future Dreams

I have a lot of dreams...about our future as a family mostly. I always wonder when you reach that point...you know, when you no longer have dreams that are for yourself, and now have dreams for the entire family. It's kind of like shopping. I love to shop and used to shop for myself or T. But once we became pregnant (and ever since) I now always shop for the kids. Even when I go specifically to find something for myself, I come home with things for them and not me. When does this occur? This transition? I guess it must be part of the change that happens when you become a parent. Being a parent requires sacrafice. But sometimes I wonder how do we sacrafice and be the parent we need to be, and yet still find the time (emotionally, physically, etc...) to maintain our own "personhood?" There are some generations of parents who would say "once you become a parent, you lay down your life and you don't exist any longer." While I understand that perspective, I think it's important that we parents maintain some sense of self and try to take care of our own person, as well as be a good, sacraficing parent. I am just still trying to find that balance. I think T and I are good at taking time for us, going on dates periodically, etc...but I think we both need to provide independant time for the other to take time away, JUST FOR THEMSELVES, no one else! I am going to try and work on this.

P.S. That cute pic above is just for kicks and giggles!! ;0) Little T was laughing so hard and it just makes me smile.

Here is Little T and her friend playing dress up. They, along with their other little friends, came parading through the living room in numorous different outfits. They had a blast! I especially like "B"s look - the pacifier, the blue dress and of course, he didn't forget his axe! All of the elements for a mighty good time!

Change is constant! AGGHH!

The one thing I can count on is change...and yet knowing that does NOT make it easier. We are in a state of flux with the kids...a state of transition. They are not babies anymore, yet are not really big kids. They are toddlers and they want their independance.

We have overcome one hurdle, I am just so happy to announce: the kids are going to sleep on their own. No more rocking! Thank you God! I love to rock and snuggle, and we sometimes do this for one song after story time, but then we tuck them into their beds and they go to sleep on their own. I know, I know...many parents accomplish this a lot earlier...but it just never happened for us. UNTIL NOW! YEA!

We are still working on the potty training and the pacifier...one hurdle at a time darn it! ;-)

Pound the Water With Me and We'll Keep on Keepin On

You know I talked with some friends tonight and we discussed some of our "issues" in life that keep trippin us up. Sometimes it's a blessing to be self aware, and other times not so much. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who truly doesn't have a clue...they seem so happy. The grass is always greener though, right. Anyway, so I am realizing that I am someone who really likes my vices because they work. They give me comfort, they make me feel better, they take away whatever fear and anxiety I may have been feeling, etc. They work! But, what I am realizing is that there is always a cost. Most times I am in denial about that part...but I feel that my conversation tonight really removed the veil...well, ripped it of really...and I am glad. In the end, I am glad that I see myself and even though it's not always pleasant, I have the power to grow and change. Those happy, clueless people, well they don' t have any power and they'll always be happy, but also always clueless...but I have the opportunity to deepen my own sense of self, my relationships with others and my offering to our world. I guess the best part about talking with good friends about real stuff is knowing that I am not alone. So, I will take the journey (yet again) one step a time. You coming with?

New Stuff

Little T let Auntie put a french braid in her hair. I can' believe it. She won't even let me put a clippy or pony half the time, but she let Auntie braid her hair. Here's a pic.
New Furniture: There's nothing like bringing new style into your home to lift one's spirits. Our friends were getting new furniture and we struck a deal buy their current living room set. (It's beautiful) It has brought new warmth and comfort into our living room and I LOVE IT! Even the kids love it. Thanks again Ash and Jack!! ;-)

On the Fam: The kids are getting so big. I can't believe they'll be 3 in like 3 months!!! OH MY GOODNESS! (I better start planning their bday party, geesh!) They are so sweet and cute and in a Mickey/Minnie phase. Little T is Minnie of course, and I am her best friend Daisy! They are best friends and she named me. She named T Donald. It's pretty cute. Even when she needs me in the night, sometimes I will hear "Daisy." It's pretty cute.

We have a billion digital pictures of babyhood, so I just thought I'd post a few here and there. Doesn't C look so "busted" in this pic. The funny thing is that he still wrestles and plays with little T like this today.

Tonight, I lost my patience. Tonight, I felt like spanking. I was angry and frustrated. I will apologize to my little T tomorrow, as I feel grieved. She will not even know, but I feel that I resented her for the first time. I am sick (relapse of pnemonia), T was at school, she was asleep in my arms and as I went to put her in her crib, she woke up and cried and wanted me to hold her. I think she was just having a really hard time staying asleep and she's getting over an ear infection. C was asleep already and I didn't want her to wake him up (the joy of multiples)...I raised my voice a bit and told her I was really mad. I love her so much, and I know she isn't aware of it, but for the first time I felt resentful that I could not meet my own needs (nose running down my face, sneezing, coughing, headache, and really wanted to go to bed). I feel so guilty and grieved. It's not her fault that she couldn't sleep and needed some extra mommy cuddling. It's not her fault I am sick again (and really tired of being sick btw). It's not her fault either that she is a twin and sometimes I just wish I could make a decision that is based only on one child's needs and not based on both. I was really frustrated because C coughed himself awake today during nap time and needed sleep and I didn't want her to wake him up. That's not ever anything a mom of one baby has to think about when parenting. But, again, that's not her fault. I don't want to be resentful, ever! I made the decision to be a parent and I am so blessed by my children. Even when things are tough, I love and adore them. Sometimes though, deep inside, I wish I could meet my own needs once in a while...I am still trying to find that balance. Before kids, I was really good at taking care of myself, setting boundaries, nurturing myself, taking time for me, etc...not selfishly, but actually in a healthy way. I need to find a bit more of a healthy way, as a MoM, to still take care of me. Is this even a reality? I should ask some of the moms of multiples I know who have older kids. It's amazing, we appear to have it all together...people have always remarked on how amazing we are as parents, our routine, schedule, activities, full time mom at home, etc....people say we make it look so easy. Let me just say, it's not easy at all! We do everything we can for our children, to provide for them and care for them and teach them and love them, but it's a journey people...and we are constantly learning. And here, let me just go on the record regarding some of the things we are really working on 1) we can't bear to take the pacifier away at night 2) we still rock the babies to sleep at night 3) sometimes we give in to preserve the peace and not have a struggle and we should really stand firm against our decision...oh, and 4) what happened to our sex life? does anyone know?

This is "J" and she is the most amazing, loving, wonderful woman. She was our lactation consultant and has been like family to us ever since. This picture was taken in Feb. 07, on Valentines' Day. We went to visit the hospital where the twins were born. Since that time J has been fighting a very advanced stage of breast cancer. She is a woman who has devoted her life to the breast, and to the core belief that all women can successfully breastfeed. She helped us when we were going through a lot and as many of you know, T became the champion pumper and breast feeder (with an entire fridge in the garage full of breast milk) Sometimes life is so hard to swallow. T has sent J many CD's full of healing, inspiring music for her many chemo and radiation appointments. We pray for her and love her. She has made a dramatic difference in our lives. Our babies lives have been enriched forever because they were breastfed (sorry, but I believe breast is best). Thank you J, we love you deeply!

Twins and Twins and more Twins

Our boy/girl twins with our friend's boy/girl twins - they are two weeks apart. The boys sat together and the girls sat together as they rode a car ride at Pa's Pumpkin Patch this past fall. Twins are so much more prevelant these days. I mean gosh, every other couple in Hollywood has a pair now. I still think it's a mighty special thing, to have and raise twins. There are many lesbian moms with multiples, since some of us are older and are more at risk for a multiple birth. As many of you know, my sister has twins. So, even tho T carried and birthed our twins, it's very possible that I could have twins also, whenever we decide for baby #3. Of course we would make do...but I pray for a singleton (as us multiple moms call one baby) Twins are amazing and rewarding, but lots of work. I think some of us just get used to the chaos and wouldn't really know what to do with just one baby. I know sometimes I will take one shopping or something and it's so different to have just one. You really do adapt to your environment...for now, it's Twins all the way...but next time around, hopefully only one baby at a time.

a year ago

she finally let go

in one moment she drifted away

her strength i admired

her body so tired

from the fight she endured each day

her soul was full

didn't take any bull

took life on life's terms, no matter what

and as her heart looked toward

the rugged point of her sword

she laid it down as her eyes slowly shut

she didn't lose the fight

her goal always in sight

to live, love, laugh and tell her story in song

she won in the end

she was a mom, daughter, sister and friend

and everyone who knew her will carry her memory on

There are times in life when your heart simply connects with another...sometimes it's immediate. You can't explain it. It's not always romantic, sometimes it is...other times it's as if you were somehow separated at birth and just drawn to one another life family.

That was how it was with Jeannie. Everyone who knew her was instantly drawn to her. She was a source of life and everyone wanted to be around her.

Thank you Jeannie for letting your soul shine so brightly in our world.

I miss you still.

Ok, so I should be sleeping...it's so late and the kids could wake and I have to be up early...yada, yada, yada! But, here I am. So, time to write to all of my anonymous friends out there in cyber space about the intimate inner details of my life. Funny how we do that, isn't it. I guess it's like an on-line diary for anyone to read...well, here's my entry for tonight.

" Dear Diary, getting over pneumonia, last day on steroids, missed a few days at work...glad to be getting back to real life. Too much down time for me takes my brain and my mood to weird places. Work is really stressful and busy. Kids started their new session of Pre-School this week. My good friend turned 40 today (but she doesn't look a day over 25!). I decided to check my myspace page tonight (haven't done that in forever) and I had an email message from my first boyfriend 20 years ago. Yes, yes, yes...I dated men...as a lot of us did when we were exploring sexual intimacy and relationships on that journey of self discovery...let's see, it took me about 2 more years before my first female relationship...and then I dated both men and women for the next 10 years. But that was really about my own internalized homophobia and my own fear....oh well, I digress. So anyhow, my first boyfriend is married, lives in Arkansas and has two kids. Yea for him! I am one, as most of you know, that strongly believes that we have people in our lives for a reason...some for a time, some for a specific reason, some for life, etc...and I believe that if we have a love for someone at any point in our lives, it's for a purpose. Even if that romantic love ends and our lives go separate ways, I always hold a love and fondness for that person. That is why I am friends with most of my exes. Now, I know...not all of you agree and some of you think it's weird, but...if I loved that person and was with them for a period of time, there must have been a reason in the first place...sometimes we all get ahead of ourselves. I have a really great friend Jyl and she and I dated...we just didn't work and we make much better friends. Anyhow, I think that caring for people doesn't stop once you realize that the two of you are not life long intimate soul mates! I say all of that because I was thinking back (20 years ago) and thinking of Danny and what I really liked about him was his easy going way, his humor and his zest for life. It appears (from his myspace page) that he still has all of that....so good for him. I'm happy for him. It looks like he has a good woman that keeps him on track (he kind of needs that) and enjoys hobbies and such and has a daughter and a son. WoW! Amazing how we can find out so much about people these days because we all publicize it on the internet through myspace or facebook or our very own blog. Crazy! Well, I wrote Danny back and maybe we'll chat here and there. Funny how people pop up again.

Alright Diary...that's it for now...better hit the sack!

P.S. I was looking through some old photos of the kids and the pic above made me laugh. I love the different expressions on both of their little faces. Though I'd share...you know, just for kicks and giggles. - Me"

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas...

Well, we made it to MN for a white Christmas and had a blast!! The kids played in the snow, went sledding, built a snowman and made snow angels. However, all the fun happened in about 30 minutes and then we had to get back into the house before we froze. It was like 7 degrees or something. It was so beautiful though. It snowed and snowed and I even caught snowflakes on my tongue! I know, I know...I'm such a California girl...but I think I should have been born in the midwest, I just love it! I have to say though...it's such a hastle getting all bundled up every time you want to go outside for goodness gracious sakes! C, our boy, was so picken frustrated with the time it spent to get on our snow pants, boots, hat, scarf, mittens, jacket...etc! He was ready to play and by the time we opened the door he was just about over it. Little T could have stayed out all day...she's got her Mama's blood, not mine. She loved it! We also had an awesome time with T's family. One thing learned...never take a night flight home...insane!

Here are a few pics.