Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Random: My Current Reading

I should be asleep....and yet, I am not. I have to get up for work in 5 hours...yes, 5 hours....but here I am...awake. I just posted a quote that touched my heart. I read this quote on the first page of a new book I am going to read. It's titled "ME" - author: Ricky Martin. (Thank you Santa)

I am very proud of Ricky Martin for taking the journey and coming out publicly. On the back of his book he says "Writing this book allowed me to explore the different paths and experiences that have led me to be who I am today. I've had to tie up loose ends that I'd never attempted to tie up before, to work deeply into memories that were already erased from my mind. Allowing myself to do this was not easy, but once I started, an incredible spiritual healing began."

One person praising him for his book states "In the process of revealing the human being behind the artist, Ricky Martin offers us a testimony of exemplary honesty and greatness of soul. While I was reading, I remembered a verse from a Persian poet Hafez - Not even seven thousand years of joy can justify seven years of repression. - Paulo Coelho

I am excited to share in Ricky Martin's journey. I will keep you all posted, as I have a feeling it will be a book I will highly recommend.

I'm also half way through Chely Wright's Book "Like Me" - I am also very proud of her for having the courage to be the very first out Nashville country music star! Her story is amazing and very touching. I DO highly recommend this book.

The next book on the list is Portia DeGeneres' book: Unbearable Lightness (which Santa gave to Missy) We both saw Portia interviewed on Oprah and on Ellen - and it sounds like her honesty within this book is going to touch so many lives. She shares about her journey with anorexia and also about her fear of being found out - regarding the fact that she was (is) gay. She is brutally transparent and shares about the thought process that many don't dare talk about. I am proud of her too...what courage!

It's amazing for me to be able to say that these 3 authors are gay, very famous, public figures - who in sharing their own stories, will touch many lives...but also it seems, that they have all found incredible healing and freedom.

Thank you Ricky, Chely and Portia. I am so glad you found your path and have chosen to step into your truth and are finding freedom and restoration. May we all be as courageous in our daily lives. May we be transparent. May we speak of the difficult things people don't dare discuss - but that will help people to know they are NOT alone. May we reveal our true selves even when the fear of rejection knocks constantly on our door. May we risk it all - as you 3 have done, knowing that even if we lost it all - the journey of finding ourselves and standing in truth will be worth the cost.

May we all share our journey and our stories with others - and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it WILL have an impact. We are all human. We all want to be known and loved and accepted. We can all relate to feeling alone and rejected.

In that - that human experience - we are all connected.
God, help me to tell the truth to the strong and to avoid telling lies to get the weak's applause. If you give me fortune, do not take away my reason. If you give me success, do not take away my humility, do not take away my dignity. God, help me to see the other side of the medal. Don't let me blame others of treason just because they don't think like me. God, teach me to love people as I love myself and to judge me as I judge others. Please, don't let me be proud if I succeed, or fall in despair if I fail. Remind me that failure is the experience that precedes triumph. Teach me that forgiving is the most important in the strong and that revenge is the most primitive sign in the weak. If you take away my success, let me keep my strength to succeed from failure. If I fail people, give me courage to apologize and if people fail me, give me courage to forgive them. God, if I forget you, please do not forget me.

- Mahatma Gandhi

These words touched my heart tonight.



the house is quiet.
i thought i heard them calling for me in the other room
but they are not here
my heart
it's so full - yet void
they get plucked from my arms, from our family, over and over and over again
it leaves me empty and so broken
and the quietness, the absence - it is unsettling, for it is not what is meant to be. my family is meant to be together. my family: Me, Missy, C and T.
If I feel so broken and empty when they leave, how must they feel. Oh, their tender little hearts.
We had a wonderful Christmas - a wonderful time together, time with Missy's family and with my family - it was great....and then, we return and they are gone - this time for 10 days. They are traveling to MN to visit Mama Tracy's family. That is good for them. They love them. They will have fun.
I miss them -
greatly.

I heard this quote tonight: "In order for the light to shine bright -the darkness must be present." I believe that feeling the deepest pain, is what also allows us to feel the highest joys. But some days, i just cry - weep really, because it hurts to the core. They are a part of me - and every few days a part of me disappears.

But again...we will get through this day. One day at a time. One moment at a time if need be. I am so grateful for my love Missy - and for my sweet boy and beautiful girl.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Surprise Mommy - we played Hair Salon

It was only a matter of time. We have been cutting and using tape and wrapping presents, and using scissors and so, I shouldn't really be surprised, and I guess it's kind of a right of passage...yes, you guessed it...Caleb decided to cut his hair. I first noticed it when I was taking him out of the bath...big chunks missing on top of his head. I asked him if he cut his hair and he absolutely denied doing so. You'll see in the video - also Tessa also absolutely denies knowing anything about it - but then forgets what her position was as she goes on to tell me how she cleaned up the hair and wiped up the floor for Caleb. Oh, the fun of having twins!!!! AND on Christmas Eve of all times....Fun, Fun, Fun!!


video

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Time For Letting It All Out...

I've posted before about there being a "time for everything." Well, right now I cannot sleep and I believe I need to just "let it all out." So, I'm going to give myself permission to do just that...not sure what's going to come out....but I'm opening the door and allowing the demons that are screaming to have a voice - if only for tonight - if only for this time.

I know I am in a season, I know this too shall pass. But, you tell me that you're reflecting on the fond memories of our past holidays....how dare you!

I think of the memories past
and I get angry with you
I think of the traditions built
and I well up with grief
I think of the times I trusted in you
and my heart stings with the pain of betrayal
I think of my family, welcoming you - the first
and I get furious that you've done them wrong
And now...
You break promises
You lie to promote your selfish desires
You say hurtful things to cause pain and harm
and then you try to bond and relate in these unhealthy ways that I'm supposed to respond to?
Well no, I live in reality and I am painfully grieving and walking through all the loss that our family has endured by your destructive choices.
Don't get me wrong - I am SO grateful because I've made it through the wilderness and to the promised land. I now know what good is and what a real, loving, respectful, mutually honoring relationship is all about. But, I still grieve and there is still much pain.
When our daughter speaks of how hard it is to "go back and forth" - I grieve
When our son says he wants to live back at "195" - I grieve (and btw, he says he wants to move Missy there too because he KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS that she IS part of our family)
When our daughter says that she misses me when she's at your house - I grieve
When she doesn't want to go back to your house, and wants to stay with me, and I have to strategize to help her transition and get her into your car and at times she is still yelling for me and calling out my name - I grieve.
The pain is near the surface and the wounds are still fresh.
And your request for a "christmas truce" - for the kids' sake...well, let me tell you that all I do, and everything I do, every day - is for the kids' sake. They know NONE of the above, as it wouldn't be in their best interest. So when our daughter tells me that she went to the Nutcracker with you the weekend before she was scheduled to go with me (like her and I do every single year as our special mommy-daughter tradition) - rather than tell her what I really feel about you doing that - I say "How special, you get to go 2 times, that is so cool!!"
Or when I take them to see the lights on the special street off Bolsa Chica - and they say Mama took us already, I say how awesome...you get to see them again and isn't it cool that Mama and Mommy both know your very favorite street to look at the lights? I will ALWAYS do what's best for our kids, and that includes ALWAYS presenting you and I as a family that loves and supports them, even though we don't live together any longer. So, the truce you speak of - that you say is for the kids' sake - well, that is long overdue and honestly, I've been acting in a manner all along that doesn't require a truce - for the kids' sake....now a truce between you and I - with regard to our interactions, completely separate from our children....the day you stop lying, stop manipulating, stop trying to take my children away from me, stop using anything and everything against me, stop being so consumed with yourself and your own motives that you can actually do what is in the best interest of the kids - that is the kind of truce that is not only long overdue but actually honorable. You say you want to do this "christmas truce" in the spirit of Jesus - being Christmas and all - well, why don't you instead consider all of that when you're making the decisions you are making with your attorney with regard to what is in the best interest of our children. Why don't you consider Jesus and His heart about all of your attempts to beat me down so that I will give into your selfish, ridiculous demands and let you walk away "scott free" from this relationship, from our debt, from the decisions we made together when we were a family. You cheated, you betrayed me, you lied and deceived me, you didn't want to be married, you said you didn't love me and you used me and you want to continue using me now. You know that if you beat me down enough, eventually I will want you OUT of my life as much as possible so I will eventually give in to you. You are one of the best emotional manipulators I've ever known...except this time, I will not play the game. This time, you will be held accountable and I will not cover for you, I will not justify your actions for you, I will not be the one to carry the load like I did for 6 years. This time, it's your turn to take what is rightfully yours. It's your turn to stand up and to take responsibility. You ran from your marriage, you ran from your family, you ran from your state, you ran from yourself, you ran into Pam's destructive arms, you ran from her and pushed her away and you ran from me a long time ago. Well, no more running. This time the law will decide. I will fight for what is rightfully mine and I will not take on your burdens. It's time you learn to carry them yourself.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holidays
They bring about so many emotions...
Joy, Wonder, Excitement, Anticipation, Anxiety, Happiness, Cheer, Hope, Love, Grief, Loss...
and they also bring about opportunity for new traditions, new memories, new family togetherness, new relationships being built and times of fellowship and fun.
Change is difficult - remembering the old and grieving / mixed with the gratitude and grace that exists within the new. I wouldn't change anything...but my heart does still grieve. I never knew the goodness that was ahead, as I was in the storm - I did not have any idea that I truly was going to find my way "home."
I am truly home and I am so grateful.
Holidays
They bring about so many emotions...
However, above all, I will stand in truth - that I am loved and that love freely given to me fills my heart to overflowing so that I may in turn offer love to you.
I am blessed to be a blessing...and I hope to give away as much as I receive. We are much blessed!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Special moments with Missy - Little T and Miss make homemade hot chocolate together and then sit on the kitchen floor and drink it together and chat. What a sweet tradition. I love it!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Wintertime Books - Family Time






Inspired by my sister in law (to be) and the books they enjoy reading as a family over the holidays, I thought I'd share a few that we are enjoying. Each night we select 3-4 and read them as a family. Here are a few of our favorites. What books are you enjoying reading as a family during the Holiday Season?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I've seen two movies lately that I highly recommend.
1. For Colored Girls
2. Love and Other Drugs

For Colored Girls: Based on the novel/play "For Colored Girls who have ever considered suicide." It's amazing, painful, harsh, poetic, lovely, raw, beautiful and empowering. Be ready to have tissues, and no matter what "color" we all are -as women, as humans, we've all been through pain and loss and heartache and we can all relate. (Plus every woman involved in this ensemble cast deserves an Oscar!)

Love and other drugs: Anne Hathaway is amazing! If anyone has chronic pain, or chronic illness (like me) then most likely they can relate to Maggie - who pushes away love, and has convinced herself she doesn't need anyone...because it's much easier to push you away then for you to leave me in the midst of my weakest moment, when I need you the most...that abandonment, being left without anyone to care for you - in the midst of pain, the loss of control, the unpredictable nature of chronic pain, etc...being left alone in it - well, the only way you can survive is to press through and learn not to depend on anyone....not to let anyone "in." Then comes along Jamie...and he has never loved anyone more than himself and he hasn't believed in himself and she shows him who he really is, and who he has the potential to be. He needs her just as much as she needs him. He wants to care for her, and she wants to love and care for him.

Both of these movies brought up a lot of "stuff" for me. I've been through major trauma, I've survived major abuse, I've lived through horrid injustices, I've been dealt a bad hand - but truly, haven't we all. The tricky part is letting someone love you "in it" - truly love you.

I am learning.

Monday, November 29, 2010

I borrowed this from finding chaos - a blog I follow. I LOVE this idea. For Christmas you get your kids one gift they want, one gift they need, one gift they can wear and one gift they can read. They also add on GIVE - so the kids pick out a gift to give to someone else in need. I love it!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

4 year olds are FAST when doing something they shouldn't be doing!

Slow to rise this morning...the kids are calling, they're obviously awake - I hear them playing nicely, I thought "oh, I'll just rest in here a bit more and then I'll drag myself out of bed." It's my turn, Missy handled the morning yesterday and let me sleep in. I swear it wasn't but a few minutes later and I heard a huge crash. I jumped out of bed to find that the twins had removed all of the letters that usually sit under their art table in an attempt to take them to the living room and make a "race track."

The big crash was their art table sideways on the floor and their art cart (tall, 4 levels full of art stuff) falling to the floor causing every tiny piece of paper, pen, stamp, sticker, ribbon, scissors, glue sticks, etc...to cover their bedroom floor. The funny part was - they didn't care...they just left the art supplies all over the floor and off they went back to their homemade race track.

Oh the wonder of the 4 year old imagination - and how quickly they are able to get things done! Gotta love it!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I'm so tired
Beyond tired
A bit delirious
Yet, I am awake
The house is quiet..I can hear the kids breathing as they sleep. My love is sound asleep in our bed, and yet, I'm awake.
Sometimes the quiet of the night beckons me, no matter how tired I might be.
I am triggered - watched something that brought up some old feelings.
I am sad - first Thanksgiving tomorrow without my kids (they will be dropped off in the morning back to my ex)
I am so tired - emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally...I just feel spent.
Yet, on this Thanksgiving Day - I am so thankful and so grateful. For all the many blessings and provisions, I am so grateful. May I maintain my attitude of gratitude, even in the midst of feeling so depleted.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Thursday - A day of communal prayer and meditation

Tomorrow - Thursday - please join us in praying and fasting for God to intervene with regard to the current storm. If your practice is not to pray/fast, yet you meditate, light candles, send out good thoughts/intentions, please join us in unity tomorrow as we all reflect to bring about peace, hope, change, and healing.

Please cover the children, myself and Missy in your thoughts and thank you all for your love and support.

There is strength in love, faith and community. Thank you for being present with us as we face this journey together.

Ally

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Lying here
in the dark
feeling forgotten
feeling forsaken
Trying not to worry
about the future
about my family
Calling out to God
to please intervene
to please right this wrong
Praying on my knees
for the sake of my children
for the sake of justice
Lying here
in the dark
feeling hopeless
feeling abandoned
Crying out my fear
asking for mercy
asking for deliverance
I know You oh God are with me
But I've never needed Your presence more than now
Blanket my children with your protection
Give me faith, wisdom and direction
Cause the anxiety to cease
Allow my heart to rest in peace
Lying here
in the dark
feeling so weak...
I cannot speak
You've promised to be my strength
a refuge...a strong tower
I need you now oh God
intervene and show your power
Lying here
in the dark
the silence is comforting
the sound of my children and my love sleeping
I know we will get through this day
You've said you go before me and prepare the way
Deepen my faith and help me to rest
As I lie my head upon your chest
Fill me anew and make me wise
Cause my spirit to rise
the ashes are many
the wounded hurting
But you've promised to never forsake me
So please God, if you must, break me
take me
and give me away
for the sake of my children
Receive my offering

Monday, November 15, 2010

Be near me Lord Jesus
I ask you to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray
Bless all the dear children
in thy tender care
and take us to heaven
to live with you there


This is for my children. They are the loves of my life and I would lay down my own life for them. I will always fight for them - and will never give up fighting for what's right on their behalf. I will protect them, keep them safe, teach them, love them, help them grow and do all that is in my power to provide the best loving home for them. But when it's out of my control...I have to pray and trust that God can and will draw near - and will work on my behalf...on their behalf.

God, we need this now. Please.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

My heart condition - or rather, the condition of my heart

There's nothing like a good health scare to cause you to focus on what really matters. We get so caught up in the day to day...all of the distractions that take us away from being really present. I recently thought I was having a heart attack. Pain in my chest, down my left arm, couldn't breathe, etc...after a few ambulance rides, 3 doses of Nitro, a GI cocktail that numbed my upper half, 3 EKGs, a stress test and lab work...turned out to be extreme esophageal spasms; which is not fun and can kind of feel like a heart attack.
But overall great news is that my heart is fine. In fact...more than fine. It is full and so grateful. When you go through something like this, you realize that life is short and at any moment we, or any of our loved ones, could be gone from this life. Every single moment counts. As I've reflected on this I have decided to intentionally have an attitude of gratitude...very timely for the season of Thanksgiving that we have entered, if I must say so myself.
I don't have a heart condition...but the condition of my heart is vital and I have found that an attitude of gratitude helps me to keep myself "positioned" in the face of everything we face in this life. Life is hard. It always has been and always will be. No one has it easy...but it's about what we do in the midst of it that really shapes our character and has the ability to affect those around us for the better. All the heart medicine in the world can't replace what gratitude can do for the "condition" of your heart.
Here is my attitude of gratitude creed:
* I will be thankful, even when I feel like being selfish
* I will be grateful, even when my need far outweighs what I have
* I will be thankful for all of the circumstances that enter my life, as I know they are part of the journey to help me become a better me
* I will be grateful for the little things..that we almost miss each and every day, or that we take for granted as we go about our days: the wind blowing the leaves, the smell of the beach fire pits from down the street at night, the feel of fall - as the crisp air begins to permeate through the day, the sun shining bright - welcoming us to enjoy the outdoors, the rain - watering the earth with "drip drop notes" - the birds chirping, the fact that I can get out of bed today and I have a job, I have a roof over my head, I have a comfortable bed to sleep in every night...
* I am so thankful for love - for God's amazing love - full of grace - and poured out for all. For Missy's love - so pure and raw, bringing healing and restoration to my very being. For the love of my children - always constant, strong and full - filling my tank when I'm running on empty.
* I am thankful for my family. My father - who is finally present to God and to me in a way I've never known. My mother - who as her health fails her, her heart which is SO full of love to give, continues to lavish it upon me and my family.
* I am thankful for my friends. My true friends - who know me, and love me in spite of all that they know. My friends who challenge me, and process life with me, and bring encouragement and hope to me in times when I need it most.
* I am thankful that my basic needs are met and I am able to provide for my family.
* I am thankful for life and I hope to remain present each day - giving back and allowing the amazing wonder and beauty of love to continue to change me, grow me, renew me, restore me, heal me and to fill my cup to runneth over.
So, I do not have a heart condition - but the condition of my heart is something I will focus on each day. I hope you will too.
An attitude of gratitude....it will have an effect on you and all of those around you. I promise!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

National Coming Out Day - Monday, Oct. 11th

A service was held tonight to celebrate being who God created us to be. In honor of National Coming Out Day tomorrow, we gathered tonight at our church to reflect on the unique thumb print given to us all by God. We are diverse and colorful and ALL of us loved deeply by our Creator. We are called to be an expression of Him...and yet if we do not enter in to who we really are, our true authentic selves, due to fear/injustice/rejection/etc....we miss out on what it is God really wants to do through us, as gay people.

We gathered tonight and focused on Hope. Kids are dying and it is not ok. The suicides that have taken place have caused a lot of us to step up and stand up to say "NO MORE!" We must tell our stories and share the hope that has helped us all get to where we are on our own journey.

We are bonded by the "likeness" of our paths...we are a community...we are family.

Tomorrow, on National Coming Out Day...I will continue to live as my authentic self hoping that God can shine through me to touch another. If given the opportunity, I will share my story to hopefully help another find hope.

"It Will Get Better" I know this, because I was the victim of a hate crime for being gay. I have been bullied and have lost friends and family members for being gay. I have stood out on the margins and have learned to find my true self worth and value from within and from God. I know it gets better....I am living proof as many of us are...we all have our stories....try sharing yours tomorrow in honor of those who still live in fear about opening that closet door.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Bonding - Finding commonalities and building bridges

Missy and my angel face - drawing with chalk and creating togetherThere are so many lessons we can learn from our children. My little girl loves to create. She loves to draw, to paint, to color, to read stories, to make up stories and to sing. She, like most young girls, enjoys sharing all of her creations and is very proud when she has completed a project. She and Missy have been bonding lately and it's been a beautiful thing to watch unfold. We both respected her journey...and let it happen organically and it's so sweet.
What I love about Missy is her innate ability to find the common ground and to build from there. This is such a lesson for all of us. How often do we shut each other out, or deny another any grace or understanding because we approach each other from a place of fear and insecurity, rather than find the thing we have in common and approach one another from a place were we can relate and actually find that we can share in each other's experiences. I am convinced that changing our perspective and approach will build bridges where you didn't think possible.
We as humans are so good at division and isolation. We are so good at finding reasons why you won't understand me and I certainly don't "get" you. We judge, we make assumptions, we find "difference" and we selfishly use it to help justify our own positions.
Today is the International Day of Peace. Today, I challenge you as I challenge myself...Reach forth and make an effort today, in peace, to find a commonality with someone that you really don't like very much. Maybe you have very different views on family, on ethics or politics, or maybe you really differ on how you parent, or the way you show love to your partner/spouse, or maybe you have been really hurt or rejected by someone, or possibly you feel that you are not good enough because you don't meet the expectations or standards of someone else who has projected that upon you.
Today, in peace, find a place of commonality...there is something, I promise you, that you share with that person in your human experience. Find a common ground and try to approach them from a place of peace and understanding. Bonds will form and a foundation will be built. I am watching it happen with my daughter and the love of my life. It's a wonder...how we all want the same thing underneath it all anyhow...to be loved, to feel safe, to be known, to be heard and validated for who we are and what we can bring to our world.
Let's reach out and bring that to one another today on this International Day of Peace. It's my challenge today as well....let me know how it goes for you, ok? I will do the same.
- Peace Out

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Eat
Pray
Love

Try to find pleasure in "the art of doing nothing"

Seek God, the divine Creator, and remember that if you want to live in the castle, you must swim the moat

Don't run away from all of the possibilities of your life, out of fear - remember, losing balance for love is living balance for life

Eat
Pray
Love

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Here is a picture of Missy and her twin sister Mary - per request ;-) ;-)
To also share a bit more about the parenting style Mary and Eric are committed to - it's what I would call natural, organic, attachment parenting; which is something very familiar to us in Southern California. However, Mary and Eric live in one of the most conservative parts of the entire US and have been called "hippies" or "beatniks" because they are free thinkers, they welcome diversity, they believe in community & they have many people as part of their "extended family." For example...there's a house down the street with 7 bedrooms and about 10 people live there, in community, and share everything and are "a family." We have learned a lot about "living in community" and it's been so good for our souls. We might have called it "commune living" back in the day...but it's amazing to sit around a huge table with over 15 people, including couples, babies, kids, single guys, etc...who all love and care for one another, who all contribute to the "family" and who are all like minded with regard to their living space and their relationships with one another. It's quite inspiring. All of these things aren't the "norm" in a small, dutch, christian reformed, college town....and all of these people in "the blue house" accept one another and where they're at on their journey - with regard to life, purpose, spirituality, relationships, the world, etc...This amazing community of wonderful people exists in the middle of a town where we were pulled over and harassed with regard to the "nature of our relationship" and where if we lived here as out lesbians, we would not be able to get a job. CRAZY! But...this trip has been so good for our souls and we are full of gratitude!!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Iowa....who'd a thunk it?

Who knew Iowa would include an amazing group of people who choose to live in community, serving and helping one another, caring about the social injustices currently taking place in the world...people who intentionally position themselves on the outskirts and dare to stand out...especially in one of the most conservative places in the US?

I sure didn't!!

It's also an amazing thing to meet the twin sister of the woman you love. Having twins, I am of course very tuned in to their special, unique bond...but I never knew I would fall in love with a twin. Meeting Mary (Missy's twin sister) and getting to know her, being in her home, being welcomed into her family and observing the love and care that exists between her and Miss, has caused me to fall even deeper in love with Missy. It's like it all makes sense now...like something was missing...a piece of the puzzle that I just couldn't put my finger on that caused things to not feel quite complete...but now, knowing Mary...I feel that I know Missy in a way I didn't before coming here. It's quite sweet and I feel very blessed.

I also am very inspired by Mary and Eric's desire and commitment to be who they are, to raise their kids in the way they feel is best, to live and create their home and community in the manner that feels right to them...even when neighbors, family, or other locals don't agree with their particular style. I know that for me, as a parent, I easily get trapped into putting on all the expectations of others as if it's my daily uniform and then I begin to shape my life based on what they feel is right for me and my children. I hate this and I want to be strong enough to stand apart and do what I feel is best for my kids, even when it seems to be "against the grain."

I spent 4 years trying to fit into the mold created by the mother of my children. I felt that in order for her to love me, I needed to be all that SHE thought I should be...as a person, a parent, a partner...and I always, always failed! In her eyes, I am sure I am still a failure....but truly, it's only because I am different. I do things differently and I believe it's important that my children experience me...the authentic me. I believe that it's important that I teach my children to be strong and courageous and to stand up against injustice and to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves and to love fervently no matter what, even if it means that others judge you because they cannot fit you into their box of comfort and familiarity.

So many opportunities for reflection have emerged in Iowa.

I want an intentional group of people to be "OUR" community
I want to teach my children to help others, to serve and to "see" others who need their love and support and to not be afraid to offer it - in kindness
I want to do guided meditation adventures with my children
I want to create time and space to explore and experience life and relationships - with Miss and my children - as part of our community - and to NOT get stuck in the day to day
I want to give back and teach my children why it's important

Mary, Eric, Izzo, Truby...I am so blessed and grateful to have spent this time with you, in your home, in your town, with your community. You are all going home with me, in my heart, and I can't wait to see you all again soon!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

"Feels like home to me...feels like home to me...feels like I'm all the way back where I belong."
My Heart.
My Love.
My Home.



lots of sunshine

lots of water

lots of love...

and a new family is blooming!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Homophobia: Per the dictionary...

1. Fear or contempt for lesbian and/or gay men
2. Behaviors based on such a feeling
3. Unreasoning fear or antipathy towards homosexuals or homosexuality

People reject what they don't understand
They judge, condemn and reprimand
They stay safe and comfortable in their high position
Looking at me with disdain and opposition
Underneath it all, we're really all the same
Yet they will always need someone to blame
I'm different yes, but WHO I love is not key
It's HOW I love that actually makes you different from me
I love unconditionally, with acceptance and grace
You love with restrictions, worried about saving face
I guess we're not the same, thanks for making that clear
I love freely and you live in fear

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Preschool Photos...they took them individually and then the school allowed all twins & triplets to also take a photo together. I can't believe how grown up my two little ones look...and T must be standing on something cuz they are the same height. Oh boy...this coming year is Pre-K and then Kindergarten. WOW!! I remember when they were little babies and I would snuggle them, one in each arm, and they would nuzzle and fall asleep and we'd all 3 take a nap! Wow - time flies!!

Friday, June 25, 2010

a day without plans
where everything is free
to naturally be
and as beauty and love reveal itself
the most amazing day unfolds

the shower, the love, the bed, inside you, inside me
the books, the worship, you worked as I read
the fun, the laughter, the love permeating the room
the pharmacy, the bank, the babies...oh the babies

a day without plans
boy, we should not make plans more often!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

your beauty, in raw honesty, is inspiring
your smile, from across the room, melts my heart
your eyes, full of intense color, look over me and I feel known
in the core of my being
i know i am not alone
let my love guide you
it's time to come home
no more damage
being slung your direction
no more wounding
no more self rejection
it's time to rise out of the ashes
& take off the grave clothes
for your beauty, in raw honesty, is inspiring

Thursday, June 17, 2010

the longing in her heart is piercing
it reminds her that she is 'not yet'
becoming is a process that requires waiting
she's being carved and chipped away
the constant grasping for air is tiring
if only the sun could shine upon her it's warmth
but each day brings a new beginning
and her desire is greater than her fear
peace is present, if only for moments
and love is slowly penetrating her soul
grace abounds in great measure
as she embraces her true self
as she embraces me
as she embraces free
becoming is a process that requires waiting
but joy cometh in the morning

Monday, June 14, 2010


Mommy, C and Little T on their 4th birthday!!! You are amazing, wonderful little people and I am so blessed that God gave you to me!! I love you both immensely and I promise to show you that love truly can conquer all...true, authentic, God inspired love.
Thank you for letting me be your mommy!
Beauty
Through you, I am in awe
You give unconditionally without requiring anything in return
Rawness
Through weakness and vulnerability
You allow the magnificent to rise up from the struggle
Spirit
Through surrender and humility
You allow the essence of God to be revealed
Heart
Through settling into your truth
You expose others to a higher standard
Joy
Through laughter and play
You remain grounded in the moment
Kindness
Through empathy and compassion
You SEE others and care deeply about their condition
Love
In you
All around you
Flowing through you

You are anything BUT the average girl!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

you surprised me
i didn't expect you
i'm taken off guard
feeling a bit off kilter
but it feels amazing

you fascinate me
i'm captivated and intrigued
i'm sure it's a journey;
discovering you...
but one i hope to take

Friday, June 4, 2010

Well, it's been a long time since I have posted on my blog. I haven't been ready. I was not sure I would ever be ready. However, I am now ready to reclaim this blog as MINE. I started this blog to write, to process, to discover, to memorialize, to journal, to network, to connect and to create. I have taken a few months off due to major life changes. Transformation and change is a part of my every day existence. I am walking a journey that is painful & difficult, but promises to purify and renew.

I am single.
I am a single mom.
I am sharing custody of my children.
I have moved.
I have my own home; for me and my children.
I have amazing friends and family that have supported me and continue to do so.
I am loved by God and He is taking care of me.
I am going to be ok.
I am changing.
I am healing.
I am recovering.

I will reclaim this blog as my space - I must. I have made some changes to it, in order to make it feel like my space. I am a writer and I will continue to write.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The bible says there is a time for everything. I believe this to be true (as did Kevin Bacon in Footloose when it was "a time to dance!") I have entered a new journey. A time for mourning...a time to be changed....a time to reflect and consider all that God has provided...a time to choose life, in the midst of pain that feels an awful lot like death. There is a time for everything.

The bible also says that joy comes in the morning and each new day, God has new mercies for us...and He provides for us each day - give us THIS day, our daily bread (provision).

I am grateful for all that I have, but I have taken a lot for granted. I don't know why or how that happened, but I am realizing that at some point I stopped investing at a certain level, knowing that the other would always love me.

Well, there is a time for revelation and that time is now.

I receive the "aha" moments, as Oprah calls them and I will take a fearless inventory and I pray for the strength to take each step, one at a time until "times" change.

And hopefully my next journey will bring a time of rejoicing, of dancing (Yes, KEVIN BACON!) and of pure joy!

Until then, I will soldier on!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

it rained today, cleansing the earth...and the cool breeze on my face felt heavenly as i walked thru the puddles, pondering the land's thirst; which is hardly ever quenched.............and as the tears began to flow, so the cleansing began within me...and as i gazed toward the beautiful sky, watching the birds soar overhead, i wondered...will the thirst in the deepest part of my soul ever be fully satisfied?

the land soaked up the rain, drinking it in as the parched cry for more continued, searching for the next drop...and the next...and the next. and as i closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, i felt you...in the deepest part of my being...and i was sweetly surprised that your presence had not been purged from my core self....and even tho you may not know it, you are the perfect mate to my soul's longing......the desire for more of you instantly envealoped my heart and turned into craving....and as the parched cry of my inner man still searches for the next drop....and the next...and the next....i will journey forward.

oh my sweet song, your love is my battle cry...
oh wounded warrior....may the healing within my wings enable us both to rise up out of the ashes...
lay down your sword and surrender this fight
and may we both find our soul's perfect peace

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

WOW 2010! CRAZY!
As I sit here in the quiet I can hear little T coughing - sick again, thank you pre-school germs..and C keeps talking in his sleep. The winds and rains that are blowing out there are creepin me out. It's sunny Cali, we're not supposed to have tornados and 75 mile p/hr winds and 25 ft waves - geesh! And, let me add...we totally don't know how to deal with this weather...oh my, the commute home was so HORRIBLE! At least I am home now though - yea! C is doing so good in school and his overall engagement and interaction has been totally improving. The other day I heard him say "excuse me mama, can I get by you" which is something I've never heard from his mouth before...and we're working on potty training. He initiated it - wanted to wear big boy underwear...and he's doing really well so far. One day at a time! Today he brought home a super star award because he kept his underwear dry (oh it's the little things that make mommy so proud)! He has also been staying on topics for longer periods of times. Even our friends noticed that he was pretend playing on the same subject for a long time and interacting with the other kids! I am so grateful for school and for his teachers! My T is back in school - only one class per week/evening (tonight) so that is not as bad as last semester. We're waiting to see if she can apply to the Nursing program in the fall...we're hoping and praying so! Well that's all for now...just enjoying the quiet - minus the little coughs and sleep talking and howling wind and rain pouring outside...but that's nothin these days - simply blissful!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Absent Man

You were supposed to be
my everything
You were supposed to be
my prince charming
When I looked up into your eyes
I was supposed to realize
That I was a princess and no matter what enemy came my way
You'd fight the bad guy, win the battle and save the day!

You were supposed to be - so much more than you were to me - so much more than you became.

I tell my daughter of happily ever after...When she asks if she can be a police officer, an artist AND a mermaid when she grows up, I tell her yes she can. When she looks at me and says "it's all going to be ok mommy" in the midst of the silence as I am processing the loss of not having the father I deserved....when she says "Tell me the story of when you were born mommy" and as I begin I say well there was Ga-Ga and Grampa Glenn...oh wait, you don't really know him do you....somewhat talking to myself and not expecting a response, she interrupts me and says, I know him mommy...we saw him at Auntie Amber's house (which was once like 6 months ago)... this absent man who has not given me anything that a father was meant to provide to a daughter, and yet my daughter remembers him and knows that he, that man who she hardly knows, was my daddy... and to her - because of how important family is to her and to us, she knows that if he was my daddy, he's important and that means something!

I don't look forward to the day when she is disappointed by the reality of who people really are compared to the idea of who people should be based on their roles. She knows that a family is made up of people we love and who love us. She will know that I love him. She will know someday that the people we love don't always know how to return the love they deeply feel for us.

He's not a bad man...he's just a hurting man who at one point in his life decided not to deal authentically anymore which led to a life of selfishness, addiction, isolation, arrogance and cruelty causing him to have 2 failed marriages and 5 children who all struggle to have any kind of a real relationship with him.

As I became a parent, I elected to take on the responsibility of modeling for my children. I know that part of the responsibility of being a parent is to be an example; to constantly teach and mentor them, while constantly being present, engaged and available to them and loving them no matter what - helping them learn that their behavior doesn't define who they are, but helping them to make good choices and to become their very best - their full potential - and that they are capable of giving back all of their gifts to God, the world and those around them. As I do this, more and more, and have these moments with my children where I am depositing (intentionally) these seeds and watering them, I am faced with how very much of this was not done for me and it makes me sad....sad for the little girl who didn't receive what she deserved, sad for the young teen who lost all sense of safety and security and no longer had any foundation on which to stand, sad for the older teenager who had no direction, guidance or someone to talk to who was invested in her and thus gave up on everything she once valued, sad for the 20something girl who was still searching anywhere and everywhere for love, affection, validation and to feel of value, sad for the 3osomething woman who has now grown and matured more than her own parents and who as a parent is committed to breaking the cycle - but still, does not have anyone to model how to accomplish this. But mostly now, I am sad for him. He is alone, troubled by his demons, hiding from anything real and life changing, unwilling to grow or seek out anything that might produce life and bring about health in his life. How sad - as I am quite sure that as a young child he didn't have someone who was invested in him and I suppose then, that he didn't receive what he deserved - and actually I know it was quite the contrary...his childhood was full of fear and pain.

I believe in God. I believe that He created us. In knowing Him, I believe that it was his heart - his intention - that our parents be a reflection of Him; of His never ending, totally perfect love for us. I believe that as we receive this from our parents, we are truly receiving the heart of God and that in all a parent does, he/she is reflecting a passionate, never going to forsake you or give up on you, be there for you no matter what, self-sacrificing, lay down my life for you God!

Above all the lessons we teach our children - I believe the most important is that they learn to love God and know that God loves them - because they know, from the actions and deeds of their parents that they can TRUST in love and therefore - can trust in God! I believe this is part of what I give to my children - and as they learn to trust me, to depend on me, that my word is true, that I keep my promises, that I will not leave them, that I will always be there for them, that I will protect them, that I have their best at heart, that I constantly think of them and their needs, that I love them more than anything else in life - that all of this is a representation of how God feels about us and I, as a parent - am truly meant to teach them, in all of that - about Him.


You were supposed to be
an example
You were supposed to be
an expression of Him
When I listened to your heart
the journey to Him was supposed to start
Leading me to a love that would defy all others
As my dad, you were supposed to lead me to the Father


I forgive you and love you - but still face the sadness and disappointment. What saddens me more is the man you've become - and the life and love that you've shut out of your life. I believe that we will have to answer for the things we've done and also for the things we have NOT done that we were meant to do...there's so much that you have not done as a father, as a husband...as a man, and I am sorry and sad for you.

My daughter, who remembers you ...to me-this absent man, yet she who believes in happily ever after, believes in you and believes that you are special and important...she is right, and she teaches her mommy all the time of the real lessons in life - to love others, no matter what and to call out the very best in them by seeing all they could become...she apparently hasn't given up on you, in fact, I think she's just getting started. Maybe someday you'll get the opportunity to see yourself through her eyes and realize that you still can become your best.