What is it about lesbians talking about their donors? It might just be me, but I don't want to share my donor number, or know how many other children are out there, produced by the same sperminator. I am, and forever will be, grateful to our donor. He gave us the greatest gift in the entire world. But, he gave it specifically to us. Our family could not have been created without his help. However, even though I know he has helped other parents create their families...that is just is, it's THEIR family. I realize there is biology here...and I am really grateful for the biology that coupled with T's has created the most beautiful, amazing, intelligent, funny, creative and talented kids. However I am not interested in knowing about other children out there, other parents who have used the same donor, etc...

The other day I was sitting at our play group (families with pride...all lesbian moms and toddlers/babies in our local area) and moms began talking about donors. That is their choice obviously, but I would like a choice in the matter as well. I think we should all be respectful of everyone in the community and be cautious when divulging sensitive information as we all may have different views and comfort levels. I think it's private, and we want it to remain that way. We are happy to share about the donor (his characteristics, height, weight, etc...) but he is our special gift and we don't want to share him. That's our right and I hope that others will respect every person's right to navigate through donor world their own way, with regard to their own personal choices.

While not being employed is stressful, I must say I have shared some amazing moments with my little ones. The past few weeks have been full of new adventures. We visited the Santa Ana Zoo and they LOVED it. It's just their size, not too big, and there is a choo-choo train. Boy did little C love that! They also fed the goats little pellets and after putting aside their initial fear...they jumped right in and laughed and thought it was the neatest thing. We also saw a brand new baby monkey with it's mama. So cute!
We also plan to visit the organic farm and get some strawberries and take a wagon ride. Then we plan to also visit a place called Kid Concepts. It's an indoor play area with mats and balls and toddler gym time. That should be great! We often visit the aquarium and last week a friend of ours took us behind the scenes. What fun that was, and we were able to feed some of the fish. We've had many play dates at the park and outings to the mall to ride in the fire engine double truck and ride the horses on the carousel. We plan to visit Mickey's house again soon and we have begun many art projects at home. I must say, it's rather nice to be a part of my little one's every day experience. When I return to work I think I may grieve and feel great loss, but I know it's for them and our family. So, in the mean time I will continue my avid job searching, but also relish the sweet memories we are making as a family!

The weirdest thought...in the midst of this journey (you know, the was laid off have no income or health benefits journey) we have been looking at pics of the little ones when they were born. I can't wait to have another baby. Isn't that horribly crazy? We are talking about actually doing it...maybe the beginning of 2009. Wow! So many people say, "Oh, one of each, a boy and a girl, now you are done!" Why do they assume that because we have 1 boy and 1 girl that we are finished building our family. Don't straight couples at times have more than 2 children...and even have more of the same sex? Anyway...I always just reply...nope, we may have more.

My little boy is going through a "scared" phase...it seems he is right in line with a phase that some toddlers go through around his age (22 months). He says he is scared and then he says ok, like, I'm ok. But he seems to be having these scared moments more often. Not sure how to respond, except of course to cuddle and comfort him. Now, it's even the tubby (bath time) which is a new one....so, anyone with any tips, please let me know. Thnks!

Long Time No Blog

Wow, it's been a long time. Too long...too much to write about, but I am sure I will find a way since right now I should be sleeping as my twins will be up in about 5 hours, if not before. Yea, it's been 3 nights now that we've been up in the night with both twins. Molars are making their way through and it's really been tough on them. At least it's mostly sleeplessness and not too much pain...yet.

Speaking of pain, I seem to have a lot of it inside right now. Not sure why...but there's a hole in my soul. I feel a tremendous amount of loss and the empty burn deep inside keeps me up at night. Jeannie is gone and I miss her. As of today, my job is gone. Our income is gone. Our health benefits are gone. My every day routine is gone. My solace, a place that was only mine, where I could breathe and find time to be me...that's gone too. My friendships with my colleagues, gone...or at least our every day comradery and deposits into each others lives. My self worth, gone. My belief in myself, gone. My fear...NOT GONE!

I am terrified and yet I know that one greater than myself will make a way for me and for my family. But truth be told, I am very uncertain and that feeling does not sit well within me. I think we've visited this before. The unknown, the uncertain, the feeling of being unsettled, the lack of security...I am sure no one enjoys these emotions, but for me, they really shake my core self...I really get knocked down a few. It's a true inner battle. I am determined to not succumb to the temptation to wave my white flag...you know, to surrender...not in a good "I let go and find peace sort of way", but the sort of surrender that beckons me to just give up, check out via some vice or two, ignore the red flags that tell me to figure out what I am feeling, write, reach out to a friend, get connected, find inner strength...yes, the temptation to run and hide and bury myself so deep within my own shelter that I am no longer connected to the outside world.

We all have our limits & we all have our vices...and I know that some sort of compartmentalism is healthy, as our beings have a way of saying that's all I can handle for now...but I am taking about just checking out and numbing the pain, failure, feelings, fear, etc...

You see that, for me...well it's no longer an option. I have kids....two beautiful, amazing, wonderful, talented, smart, engaging, charismatic toddlers. I love them and they deserve my totally undivided, engaged, fully present heart, soul, mind and spirit. They deserve nothing less. When I decided to become a mommy, for me, at that moment, I decided to no longer check out when things get really bad, hard, difficult, stressful, pressured, etc...as they deserve more...and truly, I want them to know that you can deal, process, press in, hunker down, take inventory, fight the good fight and make it through when the storm hits. I was never really taught that lesson. I owe it to them to model this and provide them with tools for life....aha, so this is my opportunity. Ok, well...let me not lose sight of this valuable life lesson.

I am making a decision...right now...to take one day at a time. I will take life on life's terms (the good and the not so good) and I will stay present. For my children, I will learn this very hard lesson...in hopes that they will not have to!

For T and C: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!

Life has thrown me a punch!

Well...life has thrown some major curve balls and I just need to vent. Call it a pity-party if you need to, but I just need someone to hear how insane my days have been as of late. It all begun with the partner needing to have surgery. Ok, we can do this. I arranged to work from home (things are a bit slow right now with the pending lay off approaching) and we also put Grama on stand by. No big deal...I can step into full time mom mode when needed as the babies have a pretty set schedule. Even before the surgery we were extra careful not to expose ourselves to the nasty flu/cough/crap that is going around.
First, T's surgery was cancelled and had to be rescheduled. We were all prepared (mentally, physically and emotionally) and then her surgeon got called to jury duty. Can you believe that? Jury Friggin Duty! She could not get out of it and thus needed to reschedule surgery for 6 days later..Valentines Day. Oh joy!
Then, on Tuesday, C begins coughing. By Wednesday afternoon, we are in the waiting room at his pediatrician. Every child, baby and teenager in that waiting room had the croupy cough that C had...another joy!
The surgery took place on Thursday morning and much to my dismay took most of the day. I was at the hospital from 6am - 5:30pm. What fun that was. But thankfully the surgery went well. We came home to 2 sick kids with horrid coughs. Let's fastforward, as I am getting worn out just writing about it. So, by the weekend we have 2 kids with croup, on steriods, and little T also has a double ear infection. T is recovering but also highly medicated and acting quite strange, as she hardly takes anything stronger than a tylenol. She is also having a hard time being so out of control (regarding the care of the kids and the house and also hearing her poor babies cough and be so sick and she cannot get up and tend to them.) As a result, this out of control deal has made her a horrible patient. I mean HORRIBLE!
Ok, then Grama, who is staying with us to help...accidently turns on our old antique stove and forgets to light the flame (which you MUST do immediately)...I didn't realize it had been 5 mintues, smelled gas, and went to light the flame. The stove exploded in my face and I caught on fire. The fire reminded me of backdraft, the movie, as it came up my arms and over my head and then back off again. It was SCARY! Thank God my face was protected by my hair hanging down....but needless to say the smell of burning hair is the worst smell ever! It took me a few minutes to get over the shock and to realize that my right hand was blistering and burning and hurt REALLY, REALLY bad...I immediately put it in cold water...but turned out my right hand was burned pretty badly. Right now in fact, my skin has just peeled and I have these raw fingers with creme all over them wrapped up in a glove. At least it doesn't hurt like the huge boiled blisters did yesterday before they popped.
Ok, so now I am one handed and the primary care taker for 2 sick kids and 1 recovering partner. Not to mention that all the stress is getting to us and my mom and I have been fighting and T and my mom and we're all just sick of each other. My mother snores too....really loud....it's so annoying.
Ok...so here I am.
It's pathetic, isn't it?
I don't know what else could land on my plate this week...but let's just hope that somehow I muster the strength to carry the load.

Mick-me's House

Well, we have visited Mick-me's house and boy, little T is in love. It's so cute how she will wake up and say "Mick-me Houuussse" with this cute little "Can we go" look. I have a feeling we will visit regularly.

Potty Chairs

They arrived today. The ever anticipated potty chairs. One pink and one blue. T has been telling the twins for weeks now that they will have their very own potties to sit on and use. Big Girl potty, Big Boy Potty. So of course, when they arrived, they instantly wanted to sit on them. I can't believe they are this big already. They are so cute, sitting on their potty chair. C (nickname Bub) gets up and doesn't want to sit and so little T says "Bub...potty!" I have a feeling it's going to be hard for little T to understand that her and Bub may not go potty at exactly the same time, together. They do everything else together...she may be sad to venture out and do this new potty thing by herself. Hmmm.....we may have to think about how to twist this one around...the new Big Girl can lead the way and show Bub how to potty on the big potty chair. Hmmm...she just wants to be with him all the time and wants him to be doing what she is doing. So sweet...my little girl.