Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Random: My Current Reading

I should be asleep....and yet, I am not. I have to get up for work in 5 hours...yes, 5 hours....but here I am...awake. I just posted a quote that touched my heart. I read this quote on the first page of a new book I am going to read. It's titled "ME" - author: Ricky Martin. (Thank you Santa)

I am very proud of Ricky Martin for taking the journey and coming out publicly. On the back of his book he says "Writing this book allowed me to explore the different paths and experiences that have led me to be who I am today. I've had to tie up loose ends that I'd never attempted to tie up before, to work deeply into memories that were already erased from my mind. Allowing myself to do this was not easy, but once I started, an incredible spiritual healing began."

One person praising him for his book states "In the process of revealing the human being behind the artist, Ricky Martin offers us a testimony of exemplary honesty and greatness of soul. While I was reading, I remembered a verse from a Persian poet Hafez - Not even seven thousand years of joy can justify seven years of repression. - Paulo Coelho

I am excited to share in Ricky Martin's journey. I will keep you all posted, as I have a feeling it will be a book I will highly recommend.

I'm also half way through Chely Wright's Book "Like Me" - I am also very proud of her for having the courage to be the very first out Nashville country music star! Her story is amazing and very touching. I DO highly recommend this book.

The next book on the list is Portia DeGeneres' book: Unbearable Lightness (which Santa gave to Missy) We both saw Portia interviewed on Oprah and on Ellen - and it sounds like her honesty within this book is going to touch so many lives. She shares about her journey with anorexia and also about her fear of being found out - regarding the fact that she was (is) gay. She is brutally transparent and shares about the thought process that many don't dare talk about. I am proud of her too...what courage!

It's amazing for me to be able to say that these 3 authors are gay, very famous, public figures - who in sharing their own stories, will touch many lives...but also it seems, that they have all found incredible healing and freedom.

Thank you Ricky, Chely and Portia. I am so glad you found your path and have chosen to step into your truth and are finding freedom and restoration. May we all be as courageous in our daily lives. May we be transparent. May we speak of the difficult things people don't dare discuss - but that will help people to know they are NOT alone. May we reveal our true selves even when the fear of rejection knocks constantly on our door. May we risk it all - as you 3 have done, knowing that even if we lost it all - the journey of finding ourselves and standing in truth will be worth the cost.

May we all share our journey and our stories with others - and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it WILL have an impact. We are all human. We all want to be known and loved and accepted. We can all relate to feeling alone and rejected.

In that - that human experience - we are all connected.
God, help me to tell the truth to the strong and to avoid telling lies to get the weak's applause. If you give me fortune, do not take away my reason. If you give me success, do not take away my humility, do not take away my dignity. God, help me to see the other side of the medal. Don't let me blame others of treason just because they don't think like me. God, teach me to love people as I love myself and to judge me as I judge others. Please, don't let me be proud if I succeed, or fall in despair if I fail. Remind me that failure is the experience that precedes triumph. Teach me that forgiving is the most important in the strong and that revenge is the most primitive sign in the weak. If you take away my success, let me keep my strength to succeed from failure. If I fail people, give me courage to apologize and if people fail me, give me courage to forgive them. God, if I forget you, please do not forget me.

- Mahatma Gandhi

These words touched my heart tonight.

the house is quiet.
i thought i heard them calling for me in the other room
but they are not here
my heart
it's so full - yet void
they get plucked from my arms, from our family, over and over and over again
it leaves me empty and so broken
and the quietness, the absence - it is unsettling, for it is not what is meant to be. my family is meant to be together. my family: Me, Missy, C and T.
If I feel so broken and empty when they leave, how must they feel. Oh, their tender little hearts.
We had a wonderful Christmas - a wonderful time together, time with Missy's family and with my family - it was great....and then, we return and they are gone - this time for 10 days. They are traveling to MN to visit Mama Tracy's family. That is good for them. They love them. They will have fun.
I miss them -

I heard this quote tonight: "In order for the light to shine bright -the darkness must be present." I believe that feeling the deepest pain, is what also allows us to feel the highest joys. But some days, i just cry - weep really, because it hurts to the core. They are a part of me - and every few days a part of me disappears.

But again...we will get through this day. One day at a time. One moment at a time if need be. I am so grateful for my love Missy - and for my sweet boy and beautiful girl.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Surprise Mommy - we played Hair Salon

It was only a matter of time. We have been cutting and using tape and wrapping presents, and using scissors and so, I shouldn't really be surprised, and I guess it's kind of a right of passage...yes, you guessed it...Caleb decided to cut his hair. I first noticed it when I was taking him out of the bath...big chunks missing on top of his head. I asked him if he cut his hair and he absolutely denied doing so. You'll see in the video - also Tessa also absolutely denies knowing anything about it - but then forgets what her position was as she goes on to tell me how she cleaned up the hair and wiped up the floor for Caleb. Oh, the fun of having twins!!!! AND on Christmas Eve of all times....Fun, Fun, Fun!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Time For Letting It All Out...

I've posted before about there being a "time for everything." Well, right now I cannot sleep and I believe I need to just "let it all out." So, I'm going to give myself permission to do just that...not sure what's going to come out....but I'm opening the door and allowing the demons that are screaming to have a voice - if only for tonight - if only for this time.

I know I am in a season, I know this too shall pass. But, you tell me that you're reflecting on the fond memories of our past holidays....how dare you!

I think of the memories past
and I get angry with you
I think of the traditions built
and I well up with grief
I think of the times I trusted in you
and my heart stings with the pain of betrayal
I think of my family, welcoming you - the first
and I get furious that you've done them wrong
And now...
You break promises
You lie to promote your selfish desires
You say hurtful things to cause pain and harm
and then you try to bond and relate in these unhealthy ways that I'm supposed to respond to?
Well no, I live in reality and I am painfully grieving and walking through all the loss that our family has endured by your destructive choices.
Don't get me wrong - I am SO grateful because I've made it through the wilderness and to the promised land. I now know what good is and what a real, loving, respectful, mutually honoring relationship is all about. But, I still grieve and there is still much pain.
When our daughter speaks of how hard it is to "go back and forth" - I grieve
When our son says he wants to live back at "195" - I grieve (and btw, he says he wants to move Missy there too because he KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS that she IS part of our family)
When our daughter says that she misses me when she's at your house - I grieve
When she doesn't want to go back to your house, and wants to stay with me, and I have to strategize to help her transition and get her into your car and at times she is still yelling for me and calling out my name - I grieve.
The pain is near the surface and the wounds are still fresh.
And your request for a "christmas truce" - for the kids' sake...well, let me tell you that all I do, and everything I do, every day - is for the kids' sake. They know NONE of the above, as it wouldn't be in their best interest. So when our daughter tells me that she went to the Nutcracker with you the weekend before she was scheduled to go with me (like her and I do every single year as our special mommy-daughter tradition) - rather than tell her what I really feel about you doing that - I say "How special, you get to go 2 times, that is so cool!!"
Or when I take them to see the lights on the special street off Bolsa Chica - and they say Mama took us already, I say how awesome...you get to see them again and isn't it cool that Mama and Mommy both know your very favorite street to look at the lights? I will ALWAYS do what's best for our kids, and that includes ALWAYS presenting you and I as a family that loves and supports them, even though we don't live together any longer. So, the truce you speak of - that you say is for the kids' sake - well, that is long overdue and honestly, I've been acting in a manner all along that doesn't require a truce - for the kids' sake....now a truce between you and I - with regard to our interactions, completely separate from our children....the day you stop lying, stop manipulating, stop trying to take my children away from me, stop using anything and everything against me, stop being so consumed with yourself and your own motives that you can actually do what is in the best interest of the kids - that is the kind of truce that is not only long overdue but actually honorable. You say you want to do this "christmas truce" in the spirit of Jesus - being Christmas and all - well, why don't you instead consider all of that when you're making the decisions you are making with your attorney with regard to what is in the best interest of our children. Why don't you consider Jesus and His heart about all of your attempts to beat me down so that I will give into your selfish, ridiculous demands and let you walk away "scott free" from this relationship, from our debt, from the decisions we made together when we were a family. You cheated, you betrayed me, you lied and deceived me, you didn't want to be married, you said you didn't love me and you used me and you want to continue using me now. You know that if you beat me down enough, eventually I will want you OUT of my life as much as possible so I will eventually give in to you. You are one of the best emotional manipulators I've ever known...except this time, I will not play the game. This time, you will be held accountable and I will not cover for you, I will not justify your actions for you, I will not be the one to carry the load like I did for 6 years. This time, it's your turn to take what is rightfully yours. It's your turn to stand up and to take responsibility. You ran from your marriage, you ran from your family, you ran from your state, you ran from yourself, you ran into Pam's destructive arms, you ran from her and pushed her away and you ran from me a long time ago. Well, no more running. This time the law will decide. I will fight for what is rightfully mine and I will not take on your burdens. It's time you learn to carry them yourself.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

They bring about so many emotions...
Joy, Wonder, Excitement, Anticipation, Anxiety, Happiness, Cheer, Hope, Love, Grief, Loss...
and they also bring about opportunity for new traditions, new memories, new family togetherness, new relationships being built and times of fellowship and fun.
Change is difficult - remembering the old and grieving / mixed with the gratitude and grace that exists within the new. I wouldn't change anything...but my heart does still grieve. I never knew the goodness that was ahead, as I was in the storm - I did not have any idea that I truly was going to find my way "home."
I am truly home and I am so grateful.
They bring about so many emotions...
However, above all, I will stand in truth - that I am loved and that love freely given to me fills my heart to overflowing so that I may in turn offer love to you.
I am blessed to be a blessing...and I hope to give away as much as I receive. We are much blessed!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Special moments with Missy - Little T and Miss make homemade hot chocolate together and then sit on the kitchen floor and drink it together and chat. What a sweet tradition. I love it!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Wintertime Books - Family Time

Inspired by my sister in law (to be) and the books they enjoy reading as a family over the holidays, I thought I'd share a few that we are enjoying. Each night we select 3-4 and read them as a family. Here are a few of our favorites. What books are you enjoying reading as a family during the Holiday Season?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I've seen two movies lately that I highly recommend.
1. For Colored Girls
2. Love and Other Drugs

For Colored Girls: Based on the novel/play "For Colored Girls who have ever considered suicide." It's amazing, painful, harsh, poetic, lovely, raw, beautiful and empowering. Be ready to have tissues, and no matter what "color" we all are -as women, as humans, we've all been through pain and loss and heartache and we can all relate. (Plus every woman involved in this ensemble cast deserves an Oscar!)

Love and other drugs: Anne Hathaway is amazing! If anyone has chronic pain, or chronic illness (like me) then most likely they can relate to Maggie - who pushes away love, and has convinced herself she doesn't need anyone...because it's much easier to push you away then for you to leave me in the midst of my weakest moment, when I need you the most...that abandonment, being left without anyone to care for you - in the midst of pain, the loss of control, the unpredictable nature of chronic pain, etc...being left alone in it - well, the only way you can survive is to press through and learn not to depend on anyone....not to let anyone "in." Then comes along Jamie...and he has never loved anyone more than himself and he hasn't believed in himself and she shows him who he really is, and who he has the potential to be. He needs her just as much as she needs him. He wants to care for her, and she wants to love and care for him.

Both of these movies brought up a lot of "stuff" for me. I've been through major trauma, I've survived major abuse, I've lived through horrid injustices, I've been dealt a bad hand - but truly, haven't we all. The tricky part is letting someone love you "in it" - truly love you.

I am learning.