Wednesday, January 20, 2010

WOW 2010! CRAZY!
As I sit here in the quiet I can hear little T coughing - sick again, thank you pre-school germs..and C keeps talking in his sleep. The winds and rains that are blowing out there are creepin me out. It's sunny Cali, we're not supposed to have tornados and 75 mile p/hr winds and 25 ft waves - geesh! And, let me add...we totally don't know how to deal with this weather...oh my, the commute home was so HORRIBLE! At least I am home now though - yea! C is doing so good in school and his overall engagement and interaction has been totally improving. The other day I heard him say "excuse me mama, can I get by you" which is something I've never heard from his mouth before...and we're working on potty training. He initiated it - wanted to wear big boy underwear...and he's doing really well so far. One day at a time! Today he brought home a super star award because he kept his underwear dry (oh it's the little things that make mommy so proud)! He has also been staying on topics for longer periods of times. Even our friends noticed that he was pretend playing on the same subject for a long time and interacting with the other kids! I am so grateful for school and for his teachers! My T is back in school - only one class per week/evening (tonight) so that is not as bad as last semester. We're waiting to see if she can apply to the Nursing program in the fall...we're hoping and praying so! Well that's all for now...just enjoying the quiet - minus the little coughs and sleep talking and howling wind and rain pouring outside...but that's nothin these days - simply blissful!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Absent Man

You were supposed to be
my everything
You were supposed to be
my prince charming
When I looked up into your eyes
I was supposed to realize
That I was a princess and no matter what enemy came my way
You'd fight the bad guy, win the battle and save the day!

You were supposed to be - so much more than you were to me - so much more than you became.

I tell my daughter of happily ever after...When she asks if she can be a police officer, an artist AND a mermaid when she grows up, I tell her yes she can. When she looks at me and says "it's all going to be ok mommy" in the midst of the silence as I am processing the loss of not having the father I deserved....when she says "Tell me the story of when you were born mommy" and as I begin I say well there was Ga-Ga and Grampa Glenn...oh wait, you don't really know him do you....somewhat talking to myself and not expecting a response, she interrupts me and says, I know him mommy...we saw him at Auntie Amber's house (which was once like 6 months ago)... this absent man who has not given me anything that a father was meant to provide to a daughter, and yet my daughter remembers him and knows that he, that man who she hardly knows, was my daddy... and to her - because of how important family is to her and to us, she knows that if he was my daddy, he's important and that means something!

I don't look forward to the day when she is disappointed by the reality of who people really are compared to the idea of who people should be based on their roles. She knows that a family is made up of people we love and who love us. She will know that I love him. She will know someday that the people we love don't always know how to return the love they deeply feel for us.

He's not a bad man...he's just a hurting man who at one point in his life decided not to deal authentically anymore which led to a life of selfishness, addiction, isolation, arrogance and cruelty causing him to have 2 failed marriages and 5 children who all struggle to have any kind of a real relationship with him.

As I became a parent, I elected to take on the responsibility of modeling for my children. I know that part of the responsibility of being a parent is to be an example; to constantly teach and mentor them, while constantly being present, engaged and available to them and loving them no matter what - helping them learn that their behavior doesn't define who they are, but helping them to make good choices and to become their very best - their full potential - and that they are capable of giving back all of their gifts to God, the world and those around them. As I do this, more and more, and have these moments with my children where I am depositing (intentionally) these seeds and watering them, I am faced with how very much of this was not done for me and it makes me sad....sad for the little girl who didn't receive what she deserved, sad for the young teen who lost all sense of safety and security and no longer had any foundation on which to stand, sad for the older teenager who had no direction, guidance or someone to talk to who was invested in her and thus gave up on everything she once valued, sad for the 20something girl who was still searching anywhere and everywhere for love, affection, validation and to feel of value, sad for the 3osomething woman who has now grown and matured more than her own parents and who as a parent is committed to breaking the cycle - but still, does not have anyone to model how to accomplish this. But mostly now, I am sad for him. He is alone, troubled by his demons, hiding from anything real and life changing, unwilling to grow or seek out anything that might produce life and bring about health in his life. How sad - as I am quite sure that as a young child he didn't have someone who was invested in him and I suppose then, that he didn't receive what he deserved - and actually I know it was quite the contrary...his childhood was full of fear and pain.

I believe in God. I believe that He created us. In knowing Him, I believe that it was his heart - his intention - that our parents be a reflection of Him; of His never ending, totally perfect love for us. I believe that as we receive this from our parents, we are truly receiving the heart of God and that in all a parent does, he/she is reflecting a passionate, never going to forsake you or give up on you, be there for you no matter what, self-sacrificing, lay down my life for you God!

Above all the lessons we teach our children - I believe the most important is that they learn to love God and know that God loves them - because they know, from the actions and deeds of their parents that they can TRUST in love and therefore - can trust in God! I believe this is part of what I give to my children - and as they learn to trust me, to depend on me, that my word is true, that I keep my promises, that I will not leave them, that I will always be there for them, that I will protect them, that I have their best at heart, that I constantly think of them and their needs, that I love them more than anything else in life - that all of this is a representation of how God feels about us and I, as a parent - am truly meant to teach them, in all of that - about Him.

You were supposed to be
an example
You were supposed to be
an expression of Him
When I listened to your heart
the journey to Him was supposed to start
Leading me to a love that would defy all others
As my dad, you were supposed to lead me to the Father

I forgive you and love you - but still face the sadness and disappointment. What saddens me more is the man you've become - and the life and love that you've shut out of your life. I believe that we will have to answer for the things we've done and also for the things we have NOT done that we were meant to do...there's so much that you have not done as a father, as a a man, and I am sorry and sad for you.

My daughter, who remembers you me-this absent man, yet she who believes in happily ever after, believes in you and believes that you are special and important...she is right, and she teaches her mommy all the time of the real lessons in life - to love others, no matter what and to call out the very best in them by seeing all they could become...she apparently hasn't given up on you, in fact, I think she's just getting started. Maybe someday you'll get the opportunity to see yourself through her eyes and realize that you still can become your best.