Saturday, February 7, 2009
Tonight, I lost my patience. Tonight, I felt like spanking. I was angry and frustrated. I will apologize to my little T tomorrow, as I feel grieved. She will not even know, but I feel that I resented her for the first time. I am sick (relapse of pnemonia), T was at school, she was asleep in my arms and as I went to put her in her crib, she woke up and cried and wanted me to hold her. I think she was just having a really hard time staying asleep and she's getting over an ear infection. C was asleep already and I didn't want her to wake him up (the joy of multiples)...I raised my voice a bit and told her I was really mad. I love her so much, and I know she isn't aware of it, but for the first time I felt resentful that I could not meet my own needs (nose running down my face, sneezing, coughing, headache, and really wanted to go to bed). I feel so guilty and grieved. It's not her fault that she couldn't sleep and needed some extra mommy cuddling. It's not her fault I am sick again (and really tired of being sick btw). It's not her fault either that she is a twin and sometimes I just wish I could make a decision that is based only on one child's needs and not based on both. I was really frustrated because C coughed himself awake today during nap time and needed sleep and I didn't want her to wake him up. That's not ever anything a mom of one baby has to think about when parenting. But, again, that's not her fault. I don't want to be resentful, ever! I made the decision to be a parent and I am so blessed by my children. Even when things are tough, I love and adore them. Sometimes though, deep inside, I wish I could meet my own needs once in a while...I am still trying to find that balance. Before kids, I was really good at taking care of myself, setting boundaries, nurturing myself, taking time for me, etc...not selfishly, but actually in a healthy way. I need to find a bit more of a healthy way, as a MoM, to still take care of me. Is this even a reality? I should ask some of the moms of multiples I know who have older kids. It's amazing, we appear to have it all together...people have always remarked on how amazing we are as parents, our routine, schedule, activities, full time mom at home, etc....people say we make it look so easy. Let me just say, it's not easy at all! We do everything we can for our children, to provide for them and care for them and teach them and love them, but it's a journey people...and we are constantly learning. And here, let me just go on the record regarding some of the things we are really working on 1) we can't bear to take the pacifier away at night 2) we still rock the babies to sleep at night 3) sometimes we give in to preserve the peace and not have a struggle and we should really stand firm against our decision...oh, and 4) what happened to our sex life? does anyone know?