Sunday, March 27, 2011

Evolution / Transformation / A desire for change (Oh and it's all about Missy, not me, LOL)

This is my love: Missy. She has naturally curly hair - very thick and very curly. She has been wearing it short and also regularly uses a straightening iron. Yesterday, she did her hair all shaggy and curly and talked to me about this desire that has come up within her: to grow out her hair. (OMG, I'm screaming on the inside..wait, sorry, this is NOT about me) So, she says...I was looking at some pictures the other day of when I had long hair (mind you, I've seen some of these pics on her FB from way back when and thought, oh wow...I LOVE her longer, curly hair..........hehehe) anyhow, I, she said "I was looking at this picture and I said I think I want to grow out my hair again." and she asked me - what do you think babe? I said what I would normally say as a very supportive and accepting person "Babe, I think you should do whatever you desire to for me is an's an art, really, (I love hair) and there are times when I feel the desire to have long hair and times when I want it really, really are going through a journey of integration (as we call it) so, bottom line: I think if you want to grow it out - grow it out. Then after she takes all that in and says: But would you like it.....I said "UM....BABE, I've never told you that I've seen those other pics of you with long hair and had moments where my breath was taken let's just say that's a YES! A BIG YES!" LOL..... So as she grows it out, it will become more and more curly - shaggy - etc.....and it is beautiful. The picture above was her - yesterday.....doing her hair naturally - all the curls, just letting them straightening iron, no manipulation - just beautiful, free curls. BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! Below is also a fav. pic of mine....and will show you how she's been wearing it......which is also very cute! But I think as we evolve as people, things about the ways we express ourselves outwardly also evolve and change. So, I'm excited to see the transformation of my beautiful woman as her dark luxurious curls begin to grow out. ;-) Will keep you all posted and chronicle the journey - because I know you are completely and totally on the edge of your seats about this issue...I know, I's ok....I'll keep you informed. lol


Lots of pondering happening today. It is quiet, which finally provides the space wherein I will allow myself to go internal, feel, think & reflect. My love is on a peaceful sabbatical for a few days and it is NOT our weekend with the kiddos. We are both "filling our tanks" in ways that we need - which is to spend a little time alone, time with God, time with our inner selves, time to write, create, sleep, etc...whatever it is that we have need of this day - in each moment, we have the freedom to JUST......and to ONLY.....take care of our own needs. Many couples do not do this for themselves, or for one another....this is our first time and I think something that we've both realized is good for us both and we need to be intentional about building it in as needed. The last few weeks have been HELL to say the least and my love has been carrying about 99.9% of the load. Not only was she dealing with issues within her own family (her sister and some health issues/scares) but then I had an outpatient surgery that was supposed to be 10 minutes, easy-peasy, home and back to work the next day - and then as soon as I got home began having major complications - ended up back at the ER, admitted, had to have another more serious surgery to deal with the complications and was in the hospital for 4 days....then home to recover - AND it's our 5 custodial days with our twin kiddos. Ok - need I say more. She has been taking care of me, of them, of our family and our home, or her family, her sister, ......and the list goes on......and so now, this weekend - her only task is to TAKE CARE OF HER - in whatever way that manifests itself.....she has promised to take care of herself. So, in my time alone (which btw, just started at 8:00pm last night) I have had some very amazing interactions with some people I didn't expect where I believe they were absolutely meant to happen. I'm not ready to blog about it all yet....but I still am SOOOOOO amazed at times that when we feel a desire to "take a walk" and then on that walk we run into someone, strike up a conversation and that conversation turns into a life changing moment for that person.........those types of moments......I had a few of them last night.............and I'm still amazed! So, there's lots of pondering going on for me today. I am going to catch up on my blogs (gosh I miss all of you...and what the heck is going on over there with KJ and the kids, I don't even KNOW what child has wrecked what kind of havoc within what part of the house for gosh sakes!! and that is JUST WRONG) I am going to do some writing. I am going to do some reading. I would bet you I'll do some napping....during the 2 listed above, and prob. not intentional. lol I am going to watch some tv and veggg out. I am going to "Just Be" - and enjoy the silence, knowing my family is all taken care of.....and maybe if I feel up to it, call my dad and ask him out on a date later tonight. ;-) Hey, there's a $3.00 movie theatre up the watch out!! So - back to ponder away - just wanted to "touch base" with all of you in some way. May you all have a great day and may you find space to just be today. (breathe in....and now out....aaawwwwww)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

REAL LOVE - What? What is that? It sounds vaguely familiar...hmmmm

It's amazing to truly know what REAL LOVE is experience it in your day to day life.
Real love brings along with it ALL these OTHER things you didn't necessarily plan for, or sign up for, well honestly...that's cuz you didn't know how badly you needed them. Here are just a few examples: (Don't worry, I'll ease you in slowly)

* Unconditional Love
I mean, who knew that you could actually be loved without expectations on the other side in order to somehow "earn" said love, or to prove that you are somehow "worthy" of said love, right? Who knew? And that it could truly be freely given; without internal resentment harbouring ...just waiting for the right moment to let out all the "conditions" that truly were present when the "presentation" was that it was unconditional...crazy, right?

*Loving Kindness
I mean again...who knew you didn't have to play the "bartering" game and create some sort of deal system in order to receive some sort of love or kindness in a real time of need - You know the take care of the kids while I'm throwing up every 30 minutes for 12 hours straight and then of course once I'm better, you can have a weekend away. I mean didn't you always have to make some sort of trade that really benefited the other person in order to receive any kind of love or kindness... c'mon,'s not just me here....right?

*Truly wanting the other's best interest - I mean truly, like over your own.

WOW! Really? Who knew this was even a remote possibility within a relationship - I mean really??? Where have I been...doesn't everyone put their own needs above everyone else's; especially those they are in a relationship with, even to the emotional detriment of the other? I mean how does this foreign concept even work? I think I need some continued major demonstration on this one...for real! those are just a few...I didn't want to bombard you with all this new conceptual thinking about REAL LOVE and how that manifests's a huge deal dude, and I think I am really trying to take it all in.

To Be Continued........

Enough is Enough - I AM DONE.

The tale you tell, so confidently and just You tell this story as if you even know us You haven't had a conversation with me in almost a year And yet you have all these rules you feel I should adhere to IF I were pure in my motives IF I were repentant in my heart IF I desired to "make things right" and yet your spirit just seems to have this desire to fight. Nothing you say comes from a spirit of reconciliation but actually coated in division and a desire for humiliation Your motives are in question, by way more than just me I pray you put your own agenda aside, for the sake of the ministry.

Monday, March 14, 2011

March 15th - A New Day

so long ago
there was such damage done
the destruction leftover causes such discomfort
it left me wounded
beyond recognizable
and the daily reminders are too much these days
so tomorrow will come
and I'll enter that hospital and allow the wounds to be bound
and I'll forever be different, forever be changed
but the question is, can I leave the damage and destruction there...
on that table...
as I allow them to cut me and slice me...
can I imagine they are cutting the pain right out of my core?
can I leave it there?
I want to...
But I'm not sure that's enough.