Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A Shift in Reality

So, here I am, trying to get well. I've had mono and enlarged, infected limphnodes...and I am headed back to work tomorrow. (Been out only 3 days, compared to the usual 10-15 that most people miss when trying to recover from mono.) the midst of this recovery, we receive news that will forever change our reality. Little C, my boy, has high functioning Autism. There were signs and we had concerns, but then he would overcome the issue or challenge and we would dismiss it. He is also verbal and he is loving and affectionate, and I had only read about kids with severe (or classic) autism who were not affectionate and who were non-verbal, so again, I didn' think it applied to C.

Now that I read about ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder, I see so much of my little boy in the symptoms described as "high functioning." He is verbal, but doesn't connect with his feelings or the feelings of others. He has some challenges socially and doesn't engage with you always (eye to eye). He doesn't play with other kids, but prefers to play alone. He is obsessed with ferris wheels, cogs, gear wheels and things that go round and round. Apparently this is common with autistic children as well. (being fascinated with some topic/object)
So, we are processing and researching and at the same time, I feel so sad and grieved for my boy and the challenges he may face. I feel alone, in this world; that no one could possibly understand...and yet, I know there are other parents who have gone before me. I am constantly (every waking moment) on line looking for more research, studies, etc...and then when I hit my limit (overwhelmed completely with information), I feel guilty for trying to just relax, sleep, get well, watch a movie, etc...I know that we will love and support him through this journey, but he was just diagnosed yesterday and so it's still raw and fresh and I am sad. I am sad for him, his twin sister, for me and my partner, for the world...and I don't want the sadness to overtake me. I know he is loving, sweet, funny and smart...but then I read about the challenges during the teen years or during adult life that he may face and I am so sad yet again. I am still processing everything of course, and feeling so heavy in my heart...but I do know this, I love him and will protect him and support him all the days of my life! He is my son. He is highly intelligent, has an amazing memory, has an infectous laugh and his spirit is very sweet. I will love him and do whatever it takes to help him through this!!!!

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