Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Boy, we as people really do not like rejection. In our core being, I believe that we all want to be invited in, known, accepted...we all want to belong and we want to feel alright within our own skin. For me, rejection can visit me in the form of often times feeling "not good enough." This can come in many forms, but currently, is ever present with the job search journey. Doors are closing all around me, and yet I believe the right one will open up, in the right timing. However, I must get my feelings in line with my faith. My faith whispers feelings scream despair. I must bolster my faith and make a choice to ignore my feelings. I need hope. I need peace in the midst of this journey. I need confidence and self love as I face the continuous messages of "rejection" that seem to shake my inner self a bit.
It is at these times that I focus on the faces of my children. They are my hope. They help me love myself better, as their perfect love seeps in. They teach me so much. They are my true motivation and inspiration.
Speaking of inspiration. My love, my partner T, she is quite amazing. She is really my better half and the compliment to all within me that is weak.
My Family is my life as I am bounced around on the waves of insecurity while searching for the right job, I will remember the love and strength found within, given freely from those that are most precious to me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

So today is a bit blah...everything outside of my home seems to be falling apart, little by little...the job search brought about frustrating results today, the market continues to fall and I don't know when we'll be able to sell and relocate, the holidays are upon us and of course the crazy shoppers and drivers are out; full force this year it does seem.
But inside my home...well that's another story.
Inside my home WONDER lives, JOY abounds, LIFE flows and LAUGHTER reigns! Inside my home live two little people who fill my soul to overflowing with one glance! Inside my home two sweet, fresh, innocent hearts are playing and learning and soaking in everything that is within the world around them. Inside my home, my true heart finds it's shelter...and it is in this place that I take is in THEIR embrace that I find peace and is in THEIR eyes that I see hope. And so I will breathe in their beauty and I will find the strength within to make a better tomorrow...if only they knew how their presence makes a better me!

Friday, December 7, 2007

Christmas is Coming!!!

Ok, time to change the pace a, I AM SO EXCITED for Christmas this year. The twins are really cute and they understand a bit more this year. They love to read books about Christmas, with Rudolph and Frosty, Santa and the Nutcracker...they love them all. If you ask my son what Santa says, he proudly says HO, HO...(for some reason, he only says 2 ho's and I can't get him to add on that third one. But, hey, he is only 18 months old.)
My daughter on the other hand totally gets "presents" and is ready every time a box even enters the house. I am not sure this is going to be a good thing as she gets older, but of course it's so cute right now. She gets so excited to see what's inside. Even the UPS deliveries that may not be anything at all...she will say "presets, presets" and sit down and wait to help you open it up. They also love to look at the Christmas lights around town. The moment we reach a street where the buh-humbugs have not put out lights, they instantly cry out "MORE IGHTS, MORE IGHTS"...and then as we reach a most spectacular display, they ooooo, awwweeee, woooowwww... it's just so neat to experience something with them, as they experience it for the very first time.
Tonight we are getting our tree after the twins are in bed...I can't wait for tomorrow morning when they wake up. Oh, if only we all experienced Christmas through the eyes and delight of a child.
Hi of now, no one else knows this blog exists, except for you and I and the millions of people who peruse these blogs regularly. But not anyone I know personally...there is some comfort in that, as I am free to just let my mind unload and share all that is screaming inside...with you, my Internet companion. My one true confidant, who will always be there, ready to listen, with open space and an invitation that eases my apprehension. So, today is Friday. Today is a good day. Today is the day that I let it ALL go. All of the pain, the discomfort, the struggling, the misunderstandings, the betrayal, the confusion, the sadness, the, I let it ALL go!

The facts are:
I am going to be laid off from my job.
We live in a house that is too small that we have been trying to sell for over a year, and with the looks of the market, it may be another few years before we actually move.
We are struggling to find "us" again, as we feel we are drowning in the constant waves of overwhelming parenting responsibilities
I am starting new medication for my ever present chronic pain
And thus...there is a lot to let go.
But Today is the Day! I am choosing to let it all go. I am surrendering and I am inviting peace. I will float with the waves and I will land on the shore, strong and steady, as I always do. But I must let go, or the heaviness of life will drag me to the bottom and I will not again be able to catch my breath.
I let go...I let go...I let go...and hope that I will find me again!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

New to this process

Well, I have decided to start blogging.

Will this turn out to be a positive endeavor, I sure do hope so. I have happened upon some blogs lately that have been inspiring, funny, touching, moving and just plain ole fascinating.

It's amazing what is out there in cyberspace. Boy have times with just the click of your computer you can connect, find other people in your same demographic that might even be experiencing similar situations in life, write to them, find your own space in cyberland and realize that you are really not as alone as you sometimes feel.

For those of you who are interested, here are a few of the blogs/sites that were of interest to me.

Lesbian (has many blogs and resources for all different journeys including conception, expecting, multiples, adoption, etc...)

The Other Mother (written by a non-bio mom of two)

Are You My Mothers?
(I know, long URL to cut and paste, but it's a blog through written by a lesbian mom that is very funny and touching)

Weebles Wobble (a journey of conception)

I know there are hundreds more and some of you might already be pro bloggers and have found your own set of top 5 blogs/sites and please, feel free to share with this newcomer.

Alright, so this is my first posting...well, I have to warn you all, it's going to be real and raw...because after all, that's me. Why even waste the energy on anything other than the real deal. I don't have time for anything less, especially not these days.

My partner (T) and I have twins (boy/girl) who are approaching 18 months old. I can't believe it. Where has the time gone?

Oh, I has been spent changing a billion diapers, getting up in the middle of the night for the last year and a half, reading goodnight moon 4 times a day because your son is in LOVE with the moon and can't stop saying "mmoooooooooona, moooooooooona" while pointing up to the sky the moment the sun seems to be making it's exit. Oh yea, and don't forget the bottles, the meds, the teething, the playground, the crawling and walking and now exploring and climbing, the chasing around the house, the "no, no, no" and "please sit down on that chair...."

But most of all, the kisses, the hugs, the "Mimi" as my daughter began saying the word Mommy...the "mom-may" as my son shouted out his version, the smiles and giggles and first words, the silly little nicknames they give to a certain stuffed animal (like Mr. Bananas or Raw-Raw for Raffy the Giraffee), the yelling of your name across the room when you walk in from work (Yes, I am the working mom and T stays home full time with the twins), the sweet smell of their skin, the deep sense of fullness in your heart when they cuddle up to you and let it all go, surrendering in your arms and fall off to sleep, held safe in your embrace. And the special treats of having they call one another and enjoy life a little bit more when the other is with them enjoying it along side of them, the names they have developed for each other, how they hug, embrace, and even give each other a kiss, how they cry when the other is hurt or upset and how all they know is being 1 of 2...a twinfant, that is all they know.

All of this and more make the above seem like a cake walk...I would do it all over again and then some!

Life with it multiple the work, and multiple the effort? Yes....but it's multiple, triple, quadruple the delight, fun, joy and most of all love!