My Handsome Boy!

My beautiful Girl!

I am an American. I am a Christian. I am gay. I deserve equality, just like everyone else. I will stand up for truth and injustice. I will wave my flag of freedom and declare that we are a diverse nation. It's in our diversity of thought, perspective, appearence, freedom to practice any religious faith and freedom not to, that we maintain the very foundation of this country. We are America and when we begin imposing our own beliefs onto others, and making it law, and even changing the constitution to support our beliefs, the nation of America is headed down a very scary road.

What makes a Family?

So, Prop 8 passed and many people voted on what constitutes a marriage and a family within the state of CA. What's interesting though is that we are still committed, we are still a family, we are still taking care of our kids and loving each other every day. So, we obviously know what makes a family, even if others in America do not. We live it every day. I'm so grateful that I know that God cares much more about HOW we love, then WHO we love. What's really sad is that some of my fellow Christian brothers and sisters are not truly representing the heart of God in this matter. They will have to stand before the God of Love and account for their discrimination, their judgement & their self righteous behavior. In the mean time, we are challenged with standing up for justice, talking about equality and being the face of this issue. My kids are the face of this issue...and they KNOW they are loved and cared for and they in turn LOVE their Mommy and Mama, and we all love Jesus and HE loves us! It's like being a Christian and being gay...people say "How can you be gay AND a Christian" It' not a matter of it being a question, it just is. I am a Christian who loves Jesus and I am gay. It's the same for our family...it's not a matter of "How can you be a family without a father, with 2 parents of the same sex, etc...?" It's not a matter of it being a question, it just is. We ARE a family!

So, Happy Holidays! From our Family to Yours!

A Time of Great Change

Well here we are, just 7 days from Election Day. Things are really going to be different this time next week. Not only will I know if my constitutional rights have been taken away, but I will also know who will be leading our country. Will we remain in war? Will we have good solutions offered to help the American people in this economic crisis? Will healthcare improve? Will our taxes go down? What direction will our nation be heading? We do know that great change is upon us...will a woman enter the white house as VP or will a Black man enter the white house as our President? I still believe in the American people and in their ability to do what's best for our nation. I fear I may lose that belief if this election goes a certain way. I pray I won't.

As for my little ones, they are thriving at school and loving it. They are growing so fast. We recently visited the Pumpkin Patch to celebrate Harvest time. We are cheering for our Vikings. GO VIKINGS!!!

Change...it visits again like an unwelcome neighbor. I've just settled in at my new job and now my boss's boss, the VP over our division, is leaving the company. He is part of the reason why I accepted the job and it stinks! In addition, this is bringing about change within the division and there's always that unsettling feeling of lost security that creeps up from being laid off 7 months ago. Change...you can sure count on always dealing with it in some form or fashion.

In addition, I have been drudging up lots of stuff from my past for an autobiographical article I am writing. Lots of emotions running around inside my psyche...so much so that I couldn't even sleep...and I love to sleep!

So, I will do what I always do and step into faith and believe that no matter what comes my way, I will be provided for and my family will be taken care of...that is God's promise to me and God is not a liar! I can rest in that...I just have to remind myself of that daily!!

Our visit to the Farm

Last weekend we went to Tanaka Farms, a little hide away in Irvine. It's an organic farm and we had so much fun! We went on a wagon ride, saw little animals in the petting zoo, picked carrots, green beans and onions right from the farm and picked pumpkins. More pictures to come...

Sitting on the porch on a hot summer day..oh what beautiful children, I must say!!

Growing Up!

Well, the twins start pre-school on Wednesday. I can't believe it. They will be attending on Monday and Wednesday morning. I am sad, honestly. I am excited for them, as I know they will love it. But, I am sad that they are no longer my little babies. I am more sad that I won't be able to share this special time with them. I know T will enjoy her time with them, as it's a parent participation pre-school, but still, I will miss out. I know I'll process this, but for now, I am feeling a bit left out of their lives as the working mommy. All normal par for the course, I'm sure.

Here are a couple of recent pics. They are the sweetest, cutest little 2 year olds ever! I am not biased, I swear!

T with the twins at the Long Beach Performing Arts Center right before seeing their very first theatre production. (Sesame Street Live)! We were in the 6th row and they LOVED it! It was so cute to see them sitting in their little seats watching in awe! I can't wait to take them to see Nutcracker. Fun!

Little Swimmer Girl

This just makes me laugh! Little T insisted on wearing goggles like all her "big" girl cousins. Although she never went under water (and they fogged up so bad I don't even think she could see) she insisted on keeping them on the entire time.

Our Vacation was a success! We had so much fun and the kids LOVED playing with their cousins. Here is a pic of the cousins on the frog hopper ride at the Mall of America. C and T loved this ride and went over and over again. Only little baby P is missing, and then that's all the cousins together!

The twins turned 2 !!

I can't believe it...the twins turned two years old. They are no longer little babies, that's for sure! We had a GREAT birthday celebration that included many friends and family and even Curious George! What a blast! Now, it's time to start planning for our family vacation. We leave 2 weeks from tomorrow for Minnesota. WOW, it will be here before I know it. Pics of the party coming soon.

Update

Well hello cyberspace friends, it's been a long time and I have been a bad, bad blogger. Good news on the job front, now working at an awesome job, so we are back to the regular routine. Although now that the twins will be 2 next month, I'm not sure that any of our regular routine will remain in tact. That's the one thing about parenthood you can count on...it always changes. I used to think infancy was tough having two...oh no, welcome toddlerhood. Fun times!

So, I found some really great sites out there as of late. http://www.proudparenting.com/ and there are some awesome blogs through http://www.lesbianfamily.org/ that keep me feeling connected these days.

We're getting ready for the big birthday party (2 years old x two) and I promised myself I wouldn't go all out, and yet now it feels like I am going all out. I think I just love event planning and should I ever need to take up a new career, that would be it! I love finding things that go with a specific theme. It's such fun!

We're also getting ready for our family vacation over July 4th to see T's family in MN. The kids are excited to go on an airplane too. Oh, we'll see how excited at 1:30am when we leave on our redeye flight out of LA. It will either go really great with them sleepy and knocked out, or really horrible with terrible, cranky, tired toddlers. Let's hope option #1.

Still processing through a lot of loss with our friend who passed away in February of brain cancer. It just creeps up...the anger, the sadness, the pain. But, I am walking through it.

We're looking into preschools, so we'll keep you posted! For now, here's a new picture to enjoy!

What is it about lesbians talking about their donors? It might just be me, but I don't want to share my donor number, or know how many other children are out there, produced by the same sperminator. I am, and forever will be, grateful to our donor. He gave us the greatest gift in the entire world. But, he gave it specifically to us. Our family could not have been created without his help. However, even though I know he has helped other parents create their families...that is just is, it's THEIR family. I realize there is biology here...and I am really grateful for the biology that coupled with T's has created the most beautiful, amazing, intelligent, funny, creative and talented kids. However I am not interested in knowing about other children out there, other parents who have used the same donor, etc...

The other day I was sitting at our play group (families with pride...all lesbian moms and toddlers/babies in our local area) and moms began talking about donors. That is their choice obviously, but I would like a choice in the matter as well. I think we should all be respectful of everyone in the community and be cautious when divulging sensitive information as we all may have different views and comfort levels. I think it's private, and we want it to remain that way. We are happy to share about the donor (his characteristics, height, weight, etc...) but he is our special gift and we don't want to share him. That's our right and I hope that others will respect every person's right to navigate through donor world their own way, with regard to their own personal choices.

While not being employed is stressful, I must say I have shared some amazing moments with my little ones. The past few weeks have been full of new adventures. We visited the Santa Ana Zoo and they LOVED it. It's just their size, not too big, and there is a choo-choo train. Boy did little C love that! They also fed the goats little pellets and after putting aside their initial fear...they jumped right in and laughed and thought it was the neatest thing. We also saw a brand new baby monkey with it's mama. So cute!
We also plan to visit the organic farm and get some strawberries and take a wagon ride. Then we plan to also visit a place called Kid Concepts. It's an indoor play area with mats and balls and toddler gym time. That should be great! We often visit the aquarium and last week a friend of ours took us behind the scenes. What fun that was, and we were able to feed some of the fish. We've had many play dates at the park and outings to the mall to ride in the fire engine double truck and ride the horses on the carousel. We plan to visit Mickey's house again soon and we have begun many art projects at home. I must say, it's rather nice to be a part of my little one's every day experience. When I return to work I think I may grieve and feel great loss, but I know it's for them and our family. So, in the mean time I will continue my avid job searching, but also relish the sweet memories we are making as a family!

The weirdest thought...in the midst of this journey (you know, the was laid off have no income or health benefits journey) we have been looking at pics of the little ones when they were born. I can't wait to have another baby. Isn't that horribly crazy? We are talking about actually doing it...maybe the beginning of 2009. Wow! So many people say, "Oh, one of each, a boy and a girl, now you are done!" Why do they assume that because we have 1 boy and 1 girl that we are finished building our family. Don't straight couples at times have more than 2 children...and even have more of the same sex? Anyway...I always just reply...nope, we may have more.

My little boy is going through a "scared" phase...it seems he is right in line with a phase that some toddlers go through around his age (22 months). He says he is scared and then he says ok, like, I'm ok. But he seems to be having these scared moments more often. Not sure how to respond, except of course to cuddle and comfort him. Now, it's even the tubby (bath time) which is a new one....so, anyone with any tips, please let me know. Thnks!

Long Time No Blog

Wow, it's been a long time. Too long...too much to write about, but I am sure I will find a way since right now I should be sleeping as my twins will be up in about 5 hours, if not before. Yea, it's been 3 nights now that we've been up in the night with both twins. Molars are making their way through and it's really been tough on them. At least it's mostly sleeplessness and not too much pain...yet.

Speaking of pain, I seem to have a lot of it inside right now. Not sure why...but there's a hole in my soul. I feel a tremendous amount of loss and the empty burn deep inside keeps me up at night. Jeannie is gone and I miss her. As of today, my job is gone. Our income is gone. Our health benefits are gone. My every day routine is gone. My solace, a place that was only mine, where I could breathe and find time to be me...that's gone too. My friendships with my colleagues, gone...or at least our every day comradery and deposits into each others lives. My self worth, gone. My belief in myself, gone. My fear...NOT GONE!

I am terrified and yet I know that one greater than myself will make a way for me and for my family. But truth be told, I am very uncertain and that feeling does not sit well within me. I think we've visited this before. The unknown, the uncertain, the feeling of being unsettled, the lack of security...I am sure no one enjoys these emotions, but for me, they really shake my core self...I really get knocked down a few. It's a true inner battle. I am determined to not succumb to the temptation to wave my white flag...you know, to surrender...not in a good "I let go and find peace sort of way", but the sort of surrender that beckons me to just give up, check out via some vice or two, ignore the red flags that tell me to figure out what I am feeling, write, reach out to a friend, get connected, find inner strength...yes, the temptation to run and hide and bury myself so deep within my own shelter that I am no longer connected to the outside world.

We all have our limits & we all have our vices...and I know that some sort of compartmentalism is healthy, as our beings have a way of saying that's all I can handle for now...but I am taking about just checking out and numbing the pain, failure, feelings, fear, etc...

You see that, for me...well it's no longer an option. I have kids....two beautiful, amazing, wonderful, talented, smart, engaging, charismatic toddlers. I love them and they deserve my totally undivided, engaged, fully present heart, soul, mind and spirit. They deserve nothing less. When I decided to become a mommy, for me, at that moment, I decided to no longer check out when things get really bad, hard, difficult, stressful, pressured, etc...as they deserve more...and truly, I want them to know that you can deal, process, press in, hunker down, take inventory, fight the good fight and make it through when the storm hits. I was never really taught that lesson. I owe it to them to model this and provide them with tools for life....aha, so this is my opportunity. Ok, well...let me not lose sight of this valuable life lesson.

I am making a decision...right now...to take one day at a time. I will take life on life's terms (the good and the not so good) and I will stay present. For my children, I will learn this very hard lesson...in hopes that they will not have to!

For T and C: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!

Life has thrown me a punch!

Well...life has thrown some major curve balls and I just need to vent. Call it a pity-party if you need to, but I just need someone to hear how insane my days have been as of late. It all begun with the partner needing to have surgery. Ok, we can do this. I arranged to work from home (things are a bit slow right now with the pending lay off approaching) and we also put Grama on stand by. No big deal...I can step into full time mom mode when needed as the babies have a pretty set schedule. Even before the surgery we were extra careful not to expose ourselves to the nasty flu/cough/crap that is going around.
First, T's surgery was cancelled and had to be rescheduled. We were all prepared (mentally, physically and emotionally) and then her surgeon got called to jury duty. Can you believe that? Jury Friggin Duty! She could not get out of it and thus needed to reschedule surgery for 6 days later..Valentines Day. Oh joy!
Then, on Tuesday, C begins coughing. By Wednesday afternoon, we are in the waiting room at his pediatrician. Every child, baby and teenager in that waiting room had the croupy cough that C had...another joy!
The surgery took place on Thursday morning and much to my dismay took most of the day. I was at the hospital from 6am - 5:30pm. What fun that was. But thankfully the surgery went well. We came home to 2 sick kids with horrid coughs. Let's fastforward, as I am getting worn out just writing about it. So, by the weekend we have 2 kids with croup, on steriods, and little T also has a double ear infection. T is recovering but also highly medicated and acting quite strange, as she hardly takes anything stronger than a tylenol. She is also having a hard time being so out of control (regarding the care of the kids and the house and also hearing her poor babies cough and be so sick and she cannot get up and tend to them.) As a result, this out of control deal has made her a horrible patient. I mean HORRIBLE!
Ok, then Grama, who is staying with us to help...accidently turns on our old antique stove and forgets to light the flame (which you MUST do immediately)...I didn't realize it had been 5 mintues, smelled gas, and went to light the flame. The stove exploded in my face and I caught on fire. The fire reminded me of backdraft, the movie, as it came up my arms and over my head and then back off again. It was SCARY! Thank God my face was protected by my hair hanging down....but needless to say the smell of burning hair is the worst smell ever! It took me a few minutes to get over the shock and to realize that my right hand was blistering and burning and hurt REALLY, REALLY bad...I immediately put it in cold water...but turned out my right hand was burned pretty badly. Right now in fact, my skin has just peeled and I have these raw fingers with creme all over them wrapped up in a glove. At least it doesn't hurt like the huge boiled blisters did yesterday before they popped.
Ok, so now I am one handed and the primary care taker for 2 sick kids and 1 recovering partner. Not to mention that all the stress is getting to us and my mom and I have been fighting and T and my mom and we're all just sick of each other. My mother snores too....really loud....it's so annoying.
Ok...so here I am.
It's pathetic, isn't it?
I don't know what else could land on my plate this week...but let's just hope that somehow I muster the strength to carry the load.

Mick-me's House

Well, we have visited Mick-me's house and boy, little T is in love. It's so cute how she will wake up and say "Mick-me Houuussse" with this cute little "Can we go" look. I have a feeling we will visit regularly.

Potty Chairs

They arrived today. The ever anticipated potty chairs. One pink and one blue. T has been telling the twins for weeks now that they will have their very own potties to sit on and use. Big Girl potty, Big Boy Potty. So of course, when they arrived, they instantly wanted to sit on them. I can't believe they are this big already. They are so cute, sitting on their potty chair. C (nickname Bub) gets up and doesn't want to sit and so little T says "Bub...potty!" I have a feeling it's going to be hard for little T to understand that her and Bub may not go potty at exactly the same time, together. They do everything else together...she may be sad to venture out and do this new potty thing by herself. Hmmm.....we may have to think about how to twist this one around...the new Big Girl can lead the way and show Bub how to potty on the big potty chair. Hmmm...she just wants to be with him all the time and wants him to be doing what she is doing. So sweet...my little girl.

Loss
So hard to bear
It affects us so deeply

I think we were created to be known and to be in relationship
With God, our Creator, and with each other

God is a God of community
He restores relationships that are broken
Loss, that sadness, is not part of Him
For God IS Love

Loss
Loss is devistating
Especially when the person you lost is yourself!

Recently a friend passed away. She had brain cancer. The cancer affected her true self. She had many surgeries and eventually became someone different. The cancer affected her moods, feelings, attitudes, decisions, etc...and eventually, she was lost. The original, true core of my friend was no longer. She lost herself. In the final months of her life, she did things she would have never done. She hurt people and left people behind and made choices that many do not understand. However, it was her life to live. Grieving began long ago...for many of us, as my friend was lost and not returning.

When I heard of her passing last week, I became very sad. She did not end this life in the way she desired for so long. She was not with her daughter, she was not with her partner of 9 years, she was not with any of her friends, she was not even in Cali., which had become her home. I became very sad for her.

May we all make choices that reflect our hearts for one another. May we not take one day for granted. May we live in constant grattitude over the blessings we have in this life. For we are healthy (most of us), alive, capable, intelligent, talented, and most of all...we are here. We aren't wandering about aimlessley...we are not lost, we are present and engaged. That in itself is the true blessing!

She lost the battle
In the end
She fought so hard
Her love to send
Out to the world
So all would feel
The love she shared
With all was real
She's gone now
But all will see
Her shining heart
...her Legacy

A smile
Inviting you in
Captivating
That sweet grin
A laugh
So contageous
A spirit
Beautiful...Courageous
A Warrior
Fighting with Valor
Until the end
Always
Forever
My Friend

Grattitude
It can change your attitude
It can bring you out of solitude
and fill you with fortitude
Grattitude

The Act of Redemption...
Being Saved, Delivered, Redeemed from evil, wrong doing, abuse & pain.
I believe in Redemption.
I need to.
Redemption was the nourishment my soul craved over the years when faced with torture, suffering, anguish, extreme loss...all of the hardship that we face in this life. The only thing I could grasp onto in certain moments of despair & sadness was that I would eventually be "delivered" from the pain. I would eventually be redeemed from the evil that was done against me. I had a core belief that knew I would eventually come through it all.
There are those cliche' sayings, you know the ones...we have all heard our mothers or friends or teachers say them: "There is a light at the end of the tunnel" "This too shall pass" "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
As true as those sayings are...it doesn't change the right now, right here, moment of pain and heartache. It only speaks of a time where it won't hurt as much. It does give us hope and perspective, if we allow it to. We can hold onto the knowing that one day our hearts will beat steadily again and not groan in agony over the wrong doing in this life. But in order to do that, we must believe. We must believe that is actually true...we WILL make it through and we WILL be OK.
We must have faith in our ability to heal.
The challenge is that a lot of us don't allow ourselves to truly heal. We don't want to go "through" the journey of pain and come out on the other side. We don't want to feel that discomfort, sadness, loss, anger, etc...it's too much to bear and we don't believe it's worth it. So we escape and deflect, we sit in denial or we wear masks to hide and keep those parts of us safe in hopes that we won't be hurt too deeply. Now I am not suggesting that we wallow and make our final home in the darkness that can consume us. That's not healthy. I don't think you MUST go through pain in order to receive extreme healing...redemption. However, why can some of us go through extreme pain and come out refined and strong and others of us too broken to go on? Why do some give up their faith and belief in redemption along the way? Why do some put up walls and guard themselves from ever feeling, in fear of being in that kind of pain?
This past weekend I saw the color purple (on stage) with a friend. The main character goes through extreme abuse, pain, torture, adversity, loss, etc...and yet she holds on and presses through and cries out and challenges herself to continue believing. In the end, there is great redemption. Those that abused her see the error of their ways. Those she lost are restored to her. Those she loved most, return to her. She is delivered from the pain and sorrow that once saturated her heart.
And there is much rejoicing at the end for she came out of her life's journey stronger, wiser, prouder, bolder, and truly confident in herself...her ability to live, love, give and heal.
Yesterday, when I shared with someone that I saw this play they responded "Oh, gee, that's too heavy, isn't it...the story, too heavy...too heavy, how could that be enjoyable?"
I responded.."Oh, but there is redemption at the end."
That didn't change their view of it being too heavy and not enjoyable.
For me, I thought...I can view, witness, experience any hard and heavy pain as long as I KNOW there is redemption. It must be redeeming at the end. I don't want to stay in the pain and have the story end...I want to see redemption.
This person is close to me and I know that they have never dealt with some of the pain that has been present in their life. They avoid it, deny it, escape it, and don't feel it's worth it. I am very sad for him, as he cannot truly experience the joy and life that you can only experience when you have come through the hardships, faced them, survived them, and grown stronger because of them.
In The Color Purple, Celie (the main character) arrived at a place in her life where she knew herself. She knew her worth. She knew what she was "made of."
How do we really know what we are "made of" if we don't allow life to sharpen us, refine us, strip us and re-build us?
Why do some of us say yes to this journey, and others of us say no?

Of course, to be fair, I also need to include a picture of my girl. Here she is at the park, laughing and smiling. She is my angel face!

This is my boy. Is he not adorable? He loves going down the slide at the park. It's so cute...he gets to the bottom, jumps off and claps yelling "yeeeaaa!!" I just had to share this photo of my handsome boy. (OR as he says it "Handhum")

Ever Present "Change"

Change...it's ever present. Once you get "it" down, "it" changes.
Once I realized what worked for the twins (that one toy, thing, technique, style, etc) well of course, then the next time, that one toy, thing, technique, style, etc...doesn't work anymore. It's so frustrating sometimes.

But in the midst of change, I draw upon the one thing that never changes; the love of my children. Their love is consistent, deep, life altering and freely given. It's very amazing to take it all in. In the midst of major change, I will remain rooted in them...in their smiles, their hugs, their kisses...they are my gifts and I treasure them.

Invitation to Jeannie

Open up your heart
If you can manage one more time
Let my love be the instrument
to help you rewind
Try to look back on the times we shared
Just you and I
I still don't understand why
we had to say goodbye

But I know...

Love can penetrate all our misconceptions
If we let it in
Let the Healing Begin
Love can wash away the pain and deception
If we let it seep
deep, deep within
Love will Win

Open up your eyes
Can you see me, I'm right here
I know the future
Remains so unclear
Try to focus on your
family and your friends
Know that your legacy of Love
Will never end

Cuz' I know...

Love can penetrate all our wrong perceptions
If we let it in
Let the healing begin
Love can wash away the pain and rejection
If we let it seep
deep, deep within
We can let Love Win

And even in times of utter despair
If we open our hearts...Love will be there

Copyright: ALS /1-11-08


A friend of mine is dying of brain cancer.
She is on my mind and heart today.
I wrote this song for her.
I love her and know that she is hurting.
I pray she will invite love in and allow her heart to heal.

The "AWS" of Parenthood

There are so many "AWWW" moments as parents. You know what I am talking about...those moments when you sit back, gaze at your child and watch something amazing take place. Those moments where you say "AWWWW" in wonder, in fondness, in pride and amazement of this little person who is learning how to navigate through life.
It's in these moments, these tiny little moments of awareness, that true life, true beauty, pure joy and wonder dwell. If you allow it, the most amazing and fulfilling emotion will inhabit your heart and soul in these moments.
We are meant to be present in these moments and to "be" and receive life's blessings. We are meant to be engaged at this level and to allow this type of delight to overtake our beings. Yet many of us miss them. We have responsibilities, pressures, goals, deadlines, schedules, routines, others' expectations, fears, wounds, resentments...we allow all of these things to steal from us these moments...this glimpse into the heart of God. Time has passed and our own heart has grown weary. We feel so disconnected from God and have learned how to survive, rather than how to really live.
The heart of God is FOR YOU! The heart of God is about discovery, adventure, life, joy, love, peace, amazement, beauty, creativity, desire and passion. .....is it me, or doesn't that also describe our little ones. I know my little toddlers certainly display and crave adventure, discovery, beauty, creativity, passion, joy, etc...on a daily basis. And you know, they truly show me that all the little "AWWWW" moments make up a life well lived and cherished.
May you have a moment today where you are still...captivated...amazed and utterly delighted by the true heart of God for you! May your circumstances, your situations present to you a glimpse into the love that exists within the heart of God, only for you! And in spite of our schedules, our deadlines, the pressures and responsibilities of life...may we all stop and truly engage in the presence of wonder.

The Journey of Becoming...it never ends. We are all constantly growing, developing and expanding our perspectives as Human Beings as we invite and embrace the new experiences presented to us. Currently, I feel really unsettled. This job search journey, the pending lay off, being the sole financial provider for my family, etc...all of these things are beginning to take my breath away.
I am trying to focus on the elements of this journey that can teach me something new, stretch me, refine me and reveal parts of myself that I haven't yet seen, or wanted to (or been willing to) look at.
So, thus far I am learning that I crave stability. Stability, to me, in it's truest form, represents commitment, loyalty, dependence, always being there (thus, will never leave...the absence of abandonment.) Deep inside somewhere I still have this core abandonment issue. It rears it's ugly head at times in all sorts of odd situations. I have worked through this in many areas of my life, and then when I am not expecting it, out of the blue, a circumstance or situation unlocks the dungeon of darkness within that still believes, deep down, that if something or someone goes away...it's because of me...I am not "enough" or they/it wouldn't have left or gone away. There was something I should have done, or should have "been" and thus...IT'S MY FAULT.
There it is, ugly, isn't it? Why do I still have this core belief? There are things outside of my control, completely, and yet deep down, somewhere...I believe I could have/should have done something.
I despise this part of myself...and then the internalized self hatred (let's just call it what it is) begins to rear it's head and spews out at those closest to me (my partner of course). I become critical of everything about HER, I point out all of her deficiencies...I "go off" about all of the needs not being met and all of the frustrations (that are true, but most likely are a 1 or 2 on the scale and I convey them to her as a 10) At least I can recognize that I am acting this way and I can make peace and share with her and apologize. And I did. And I will, always. I am human. I am flawed. I am broken.
But, it is in the acceptance of my brokenness that my true beauty shines.

It's a New Day...and a New Year!!

Wow...2008! I can't believe it...As most of us turn inward and reflect upon the previous year, we are often times reminded of the areas within ourselves we would like to improve, the things we will once again strive to accomplish, and the many things that happened in our lives over the past year that changed us...we are different, we have evolved...mostly for the better, we all hope, but often times we focus on the negative. Why do we do this? What always pulls our introspection to the negative? The failures? All of the things NOT accomplished...all of the goals not reached. I know there is wisdom to being honest about these things and being able to make new objectives for the new year, however, we HAVE accomplished much...and we don't give ourselves enough credit for the things we DID, the goals we REACHED, the changes we embraced, the lessons we learned, the new experiences we invited, the risks we took, the loss we grieved, the joy we experienced.
So, today, of course...I shall do this. On all of our behalf, of course, I take inventory of what wonderful, positive, life changing things occurred in 2007 that will forever make me a better person!
* The adoption was finalized in Feb. 07 and I became a LEGAL parent of the twins, although I was their mommy from the day I inseminated their Mama T.
* My twins turned 1 year old
* We had a wonderful 1st birthday party (barnyard bash) for the twins and did not kill ourselves before the day arrived from all the planning, details, etc...(all though it was a close one)
* Through the March of Dimes, T began volunteering at the local hospital in the NICU as a support to parents with premature babies
* I moved into a new job closer to home, allowing me lots more time with the family
* We received better health insurance benefits through the new job; and more affordable too!
* I sold my Jetta (loved that car!)
* We bought a new family vehicle (gotta love the Caddie SRX)
* We took my house off the market, changed real estate agents, put the house back on the market, and then took it off the market yet again for an undetermined amount of time
* Little T began walking after her 1st bday
* We took an amazing vacation to MN to visit T's family
* The twins went on an airplane for the 1st time and did quite well
* I had my very first glass of milk from the dairy at the MN state fair
* Little C began walking for the first time in MN
* I went to my very 1st NFL game - GO VIKINGS!
* We had an amazing Christmas with the twins and family/friends.
* AND I KNOW THERE IS SOOOO MUCH MORE I CANNOT RECALL AT THE MOMENT.

Now, there are many things I am going to focus efforts toward accomplishing in 08, but wow, what a year 2007 turned out to be!! May 2008 be 1/2 as great!

We are hopeful for the following in 08:
* New Job
* New House
* Twins will turn 2 & possibly start part time pre-school
* T return to school
* Vacation back to MN around holidays, if possible
* New Car when lease for Caddie is up - towards end of year

Personal reflections and vows for improvement:
* I will be a better listener
* I will treat others as I want to be treated
* I will be more patient
* I will get healthier
* I will love more deeply and let go of fear
* I will be honest, even when it hurts, and let go of codependency, but be loving and caring with my honest words
* I will let go of anger and resentment
* I will lose weight
* I will stop biting my nails for good (ALREADY ACCOMPLISHED...WOO-HOO!)
* I will be a better me, with God's help and continued dedication, I will be a better person, partner and parent!

Here's to ALL that we accomplished in 2007! Well Done!

May 2008 bring us all peace and joy in abundance!