Wow, it's been a long time. Too long...too much to write about, but I am sure I will find a way since right now I should be sleeping as my twins will be up in about 5 hours, if not before. Yea, it's been 3 nights now that we've been up in the night with both twins. Molars are making their way through and it's really been tough on them. At least it's mostly sleeplessness and not too much pain...yet.
Speaking of pain, I seem to have a lot of it inside right now. Not sure why...but there's a hole in my soul. I feel a tremendous amount of loss and the empty burn deep inside keeps me up at night. Jeannie is gone and I miss her. As of today, my job is gone. Our income is gone. Our health benefits are gone. My every day routine is gone. My solace, a place that was only mine, where I could breathe and find time to be me...that's gone too. My friendships with my colleagues, gone...or at least our every day comradery and deposits into each others lives. My self worth, gone. My belief in myself, gone. My fear...NOT GONE!
I am terrified and yet I know that one greater than myself will make a way for me and for my family. But truth be told, I am very uncertain and that feeling does not sit well within me. I think we've visited this before. The unknown, the uncertain, the feeling of being unsettled, the lack of security...I am sure no one enjoys these emotions, but for me, they really shake my core self...I really get knocked down a few. It's a true inner battle. I am determined to not succumb to the temptation to wave my white flag...you know, to surrender...not in a good "I let go and find peace sort of way", but the sort of surrender that beckons me to just give up, check out via some vice or two, ignore the red flags that tell me to figure out what I am feeling, write, reach out to a friend, get connected, find inner strength...yes, the temptation to run and hide and bury myself so deep within my own shelter that I am no longer connected to the outside world.
We all have our limits & we all have our vices...and I know that some sort of compartmentalism is healthy, as our beings have a way of saying that's all I can handle for now...but I am taking about just checking out and numbing the pain, failure, feelings, fear, etc...
You see that, for me...well it's no longer an option. I have kids....two beautiful, amazing, wonderful, talented, smart, engaging, charismatic toddlers. I love them and they deserve my totally undivided, engaged, fully present heart, soul, mind and spirit. They deserve nothing less. When I decided to become a mommy, for me, at that moment, I decided to no longer check out when things get really bad, hard, difficult, stressful, pressured, etc...as they deserve more...and truly, I want them to know that you can deal, process, press in, hunker down, take inventory, fight the good fight and make it through when the storm hits. I was never really taught that lesson. I owe it to them to model this and provide them with tools for life....aha, so this is my opportunity. Ok, well...let me not lose sight of this valuable life lesson.
I am making a decision...right now...to take one day at a time. I will take life on life's terms (the good and the not so good) and I will stay present. For my children, I will learn this very hard lesson...in hopes that they will not have to!
For T and C: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!