I am trying to focus on the elements of this journey that can teach me something new, stretch me, refine me and reveal parts of myself that I haven't yet seen, or wanted to (or been willing to) look at.
So, thus far I am learning that I crave stability. Stability, to me, in it's truest form, represents commitment, loyalty, dependence, always being there (thus, will never leave...the absence of abandonment.) Deep inside somewhere I still have this core abandonment issue. It rears it's ugly head at times in all sorts of odd situations. I have worked through this in many areas of my life, and then when I am not expecting it, out of the blue, a circumstance or situation unlocks the dungeon of darkness within that still believes, deep down, that if something or someone goes away...it's because of me...I am not "enough" or they/it wouldn't have left or gone away. There was something I should have done, or should have "been" and thus...IT'S MY FAULT.
There it is, ugly, isn't it? Why do I still have this core belief? There are things outside of my control, completely, and yet deep down, somewhere...I believe I could have/should have done something.
I despise this part of myself...and then the internalized self hatred (let's just call it what it is) begins to rear it's head and spews out at those closest to me (my partner of course). I become critical of everything about HER, I point out all of her deficiencies...I "go off" about all of the needs not being met and all of the frustrations (that are true, but most likely are a 1 or 2 on the scale and I convey them to her as a 10) At least I can recognize that I am acting this way and I can make peace and share with her and apologize. And I did. And I will, always. I am human. I am flawed. I am broken.
But, it is in the acceptance of my brokenness that my true beauty shines.