The Power of Choice

It has been so long since I’ve opened the door to possibility


Constantly running from the fear and ever present insecurity

Settling into complacency, no need for introspection

The journey of desire has only resolved into rejection

Suffering in silence while barely surviving

Getting by and pressing through, not living…not thriving

Telling myself I’ve accomplished much and should be settled in my truth

While choking every chance for change, killing the dreams of my youth

How did this become the very essence of my being?

To not want, to not desire…it’s safer, but not freeing.

I feel strained, chained; held captive in this cycle I create

Blaming everyone else for the condition of my fate

So this new trajectory before me

Will I allow myself to just be?

In the midst of the yearning

Desire burning

Possibilities churning

Will I finally allow this process to be one of learning?

I will shed the armor I’ve worn, risking and taking the chance

To live my desired life

To stop existing by happenstance

Restless, Irritated and Discontent

So last night I went and saw the movie Hope Springs. For some reason I didn't really want to see it and I think that was my inner self telling me "NO, don't go!" But, my partner wanted to see it and I now live in a manner that compromises and plus, I really do love Meryl Streep.  Well needless to say, I got up and left in the middle for a break. I came back, but something in me was very unsettled. The movie was fine, funny, etc...but when we got home, all of a sudden I was irritated and reactive. My partner did one little thing and boy I tore it apart, asked what she REALLY meant, and the tailspin began. It was long, messy, angry and painful...but I finally got to the core of what was going on so deep inside me. FEAR! I don't ever want to feel the pain of betrayal or hurt within my marriage ever again.  I also don't ever want to live in a "loveless" marriage like some couples I know. Is it so wrong to actually want the REAL DEAL! So many people accept a standard that is so much lower than the love and affection they truly deserve. Possibly this is the journey I am traveling; one of self love, self respect and thus I believe that I deserve to have my needs met and I will fight for it; always. I know there were times in my marriage (years ago) where we drifted apart. This happens in all marriages over time. The key I believe is what you do during that time. What are you willing to do in order to tend to your marriage? Too many times I see couples get caught up in their fear of being rejected, so they won't risk even to tell their partner they miss them or need them. I do not ever want to reach this place again. So, what I've learned for today is to tell on myself.  Tell my partner that it was all my fear, and own it. Tell her that I'm scared and don't ever want to get hurt again so deeply. Tell her that I love her more and more each day and so naturally my fear is surfacing because I am becoming more and more vulnerable. Tell her that I long for these dreams that are becoming realities in our life, but that fear seems to creep up because I'm afraid to lose it...to lose her. 
So, I told her.
She totally understood and was gracious and loving and I am so grateful.
I think that's the choice I will have to continue to make to ensure we do not have a loveless, dead, lonely marriage. The more I reveal myself to her, in honesty and transparency, admitting my faults, limits, struggles, challenges, etc...the more we connect and can love each other through it. Amazing!

The music never stopped

As the night air turned crisp and the sun began it's descent, I was quieted by the memory of you
Sitting across from me in the backyard as the dawn snuck upon us, beckoning our bodies to rest
Our souls full, our hearts pounding
That is the night the music began
Through the years we became deaf to the calling, allowing the music to fade and drift away as the begging, the pleading grew silent
We would no longer allow the soothing tune to overpower our wills as we bathed ourselves in pride, taking comfort in the struggle, suffocating the sweet song that once led us home
And even as we drew our swords, casting our pain and despair upon the other in utter desperation
The music never stopped
It whispered in our hearts, it told of a love that defies all possibility, it spoke of a place where once again our souls would find their resting place
And in the silence, as a soft breath escapes my mouth, I can hear the sweet call..the tender sound
Calming my inner self, I open my heart and intently listen; arming myself against fear's innate penetration
And as I allow the music to envelop my being, I begin to bask in the overwhelming feeling of joy
And as truth washes over me I realize I have once again found my way home

The Deconstruction of Reconciliation

Reconciliation is a process
Of healing and letting go
Of being willing to strip yourself of all superiority
Of realizing that you too are fallible and capable of hurting others in your pain

Reconciliation is a journey
Of acceptance and willingness
Of making peace with all that you cannot change
Of learning new tools so you do not repeat the same patterns of destructive behavior

Reconciliation is a choice
Of speaking truth to your inner most self
Of mindfulness of your wounds, yet resilience to press on
Of daily surrender to changing and evolving as to be your best self

Reconciliation is courageous
Of being reunited with your true core self
Of embracing the humanity in yourself and others
Of letting go of expectations and allowing yourself to live in truth

Reconciliation brings freedom!

My truth: Reconciliation is a risk...Risking is vulnerable...Vulnerability brings us into contact with our deepest yearnings...our deepest yearnings bring us to a place where we tap into all that we desire to be; all that God created us to be...God is the source as He is a God of reconciliation...a God of relationship...a God of healing.  We have life so that we might live. Reconciliation is just part of the adventure we take as we continue down the path of recovery. It's worth the risk!

Unearthed

Shadows cover my soul
Reminding me of the betrayal
Rage rises up and swallows whole any promise of freedom
I still stand in awe
Of the wounding you once inflicted
I'm torn in two,
obliterated by you,
yet I am the one who can't seem to break from these chains

Will I ever heal?
What does this pain reveal?
I must release the angst that still resides within
I know it's not my cross to bare, it's not my sin
Yet something restrains me from breaking free
It's like a never ending well of agony

As I glance in the mirror, my pride shatters
I'm faced with the question...What really matters?
The blame?
The internal shame?
Your wrongs, mine?
This alter, this shrine?
It's time to destroy this desolate land
I'm longing to give rather than demand
I want to feel the cool breeze once again sweetly kiss me on the cheek
This is true courage
This journey is not for the weak
I want to thrive, to survive, to finally live
I have found the motivation - ME
I will choose to forgive

A Whole New You - A WHOLE YOU

Beautiful
The lines on your face
The falling from grace
The crushing of your pride
The learning to abide

Alluring
The opening of your heart
The becoming a part
The denying of distractions
The embracing of your actions

Sexy
The ease in your gate
The way in which you relate
The life illuminating from your eyes
The discarding of your disguise

Lovely
Your openness to those around you
Your willingness to continually undue
Your love pouring forth - given to me
Your letting go - You, True and Free!

You never know
when you toil
What will come
Of the sifted soil
You pull the weeds
and discard that which is not producing life
You plant new seeds
And wonder if you'll ever see the fruits of your strife
Then one day when you're not paying attention
Beauty blooms and it's exquisite perfection
The wonder that follows, such a simple grace
The love of God shining on your face

my bones cry out
a gut wrenching scream
everything in my entire body aches
the pain keeps dripping down my face
as my heart cries itself into a depleted state
my soul seeks solace
oh but comfort once again eludes me

the well is dry
return no more

suffocating, i gasp for life
as i choke on the sadness that permeates the air
fear taunts me, howling in the distance
but a song calls softly on the wind
a gentle voice invites me to come...
i know i must spread these ashes once and for all
clothed in my deepest agony...
i take but one step

the well is dry

i will return no more

Building Self Esteem - In myself and my kids

Why do so many of us look to another to validate our worth? 
Why do we seek approval externally?
Well as a parent I can tell you that in my experience, we breed this type of behavior. 
I sit and observe us tell our kids "good job" as we create rewards and validate behavior that we deem acceptable.  We praise and affirm our children when they do well and give our "approval" to them...then, they learn that if they do more of "that good stuff," they will get more approval, more praise, more validation.
So, the question is...how do we stop this cycle and attempt to validate the child always...affirm and praise the individual person always...and address choices and behavior separately? 
I believe it's all about self esteem and believe it or not, it is possible to help a child to grow a strong sense of self esteem within themselves...but it takes a lot of intentional effort and awareness, that's for sure. 
As I am working on my own self esteem issues, I am acutely aware of my daughter's experience. Already at age 5, she is aware that her physical appearance is different. She is tall. What a great thing, right?  But she is now very aware that she is tall. You see, people say to her all the time "Wow, you are so tall" or "You are so big" so much so that it has become something that she is very aware of.  See, people don't point it out much when you are short....they don't say "WOW, you are so short" to little 5 year olds who are petite....but when you are 5 and you are so tall that you look 8, people think it's ok to make those comments. So, lately little T has been saying to me out of the blue..."Look Mommy, there's another tall girl" when she sees a tall girl at the library or something. So, she's already aware that something about her is different, and she is seeking her likeness in others around her.  She is hoping to not be the only one.
One of my core objectives as a parent is to help my children learn to love themselves for exactly who they are, respect themselves, believe in themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin - even in the areas where they are different. This will serve them ALL OF THEIR LIFE.
There are many areas in day to day life where I already see both of my kiddos displaying a strong sense of self.  Little C is proud to be who he is and doesn't really care what you think most of the time. Little T is much more worried about others liking her and we've been having some really good talks lately about what really matters...that she likes herself, that she is happy with her choices, that she feels good about who she is, the way she treats herself, the way she treats her friends, the way she helps others, and that she knows she is important and that she has a valuable, unique contribution to make to this world that no one else can make.
As I was saying all of this to her the other day...it stung a little...it's a good reminder for all of us.  We all have a contribution to make - no one else can take our place. Not yours! Not mine!

Important Daily Themes

I like to write. I am a word person. I like mantras, symbols, metaphors, cliche sayings, "bumper sticker" talk...all of it. I enjoy writing and I also use writing as a tool for self discovery, self expression and to process all the stuff going on inside my mind and heart.

These days, I am on a journey of self discovery. I've read a few blogs lately that have inspired me. A few days ago I decided to reflect on a few words as to remind myself of their importance within my daily experience.

Togethernesss
Community
Tribe
Fellowship

In addition to all of these words representing a common theme, I've realized that they are FOUR CONCEPTS that represent a way way of living - a way of being.

Togetherness:
For me, togetherness is a word that represents a very present way of being with others. It's one thing to be together physically - in the same room, hanging out, etc...but "togetherness" connotates a very aware presence that I am being with you and you are being with me. This applies a lot with family time. I am trying to be very mindful during the time I spend with the family that I am present, aware, in the moment, taking in the experience and also giving of myself in that time. It's a mutual exchange that leaves all feeling "full."

Community:
I love this word. It's application in my life is more about a way of living...so a verb rather than a noun. I want to be a person of community. A person who is mindful of others and their experiences. I want to invite others in - not exclude them. I desire to learn from other people's experiences and to share in our life's journey. I believe that we were created to be people of community. I believe we all have so much to share with one another...if we could just get beyond all of the barriers we have built out of self protection that prevents us from doing so. I want to teach my children to be people of community. I also desire to give back to our community; again, it's a mutual exchange. I also love the idea of sharing ideas, thoughts, perspectives, etc...and believe that within a community, diversity is crucial - diversity in ALL realms.

Tribe:
This word is special to me at this point in my life. It identifies a group of people to which I finally feel comfortable and "at home" with - hence "my tribe." It is simple, yet has such a profound affect when you actually feel you have found your tribe. I believe we all have this longing deep within us to belong, to be wanted, to be accepted, to be known in our core and to be loved. Finding my tribe has allowed me to exhale and begin to let people in again...I am learning to trust again, to let people love me (the real me) and to be vulnerable. It's hard...and it's a process.

Fellowship:
This is an interesting word. Growing up in a fundamental Christian home, this word was always associated with some church event. "Potluck held in the fellowship hall after service." or "Come and fellowship with our new Pastor." I always associated it with religion. I have learned to create new word associations and now I have embraced this word. At this time in my life fellowship is again, about an exchange. Don't forsake the fellowship. It's the relating, the knowing, the understanding, the listening, the laughing, the caring, the fun, the crying, the crazy, the helping, the serving, the mending, the holding, the praying, the encouraging, the "seeing" of another fellow.

So, for today, I am going to allow these themes to marinate. They represent who I truly am and what is important to me. I want to be mindful of these each day as to not get distracted by all of the "stuff." May we all find ways to seek out togetherness, to be people of community, to find our tribe (or if found, to truly allow ourselves to be known - and to know others, and to NOT forsake the fellowship.)

More to come on this journey of self discovery...

To Thine Self Be True

Little T and her Cheer leading Coach, after her very first exhibition performance, where they won 3 awards and she also received a trophy. She was very, very excited.
Little T and C, all ready to go to their very 1st school dance.

I cannot believe it. The kids had their first school dance. It was a Family Formal, so we all went together; even Grandma and Grampa came along. It was still just mind blowing to watch. The social aspect starts SO early. I sat and observed as the girls, in their little groups, fluttered around the room while the boys tried periodically to join in as an opening presented itself. Our little guy was of course just dashing. He became the coveted dance partner of the evening. In the end, it was the principle who won out and danced the night away with him as he continued to attempt to kiss her on the cheek. She was totally smitten!

Sometimes I am amazed as I sit back and watch the unspoken rules of our society begin to play out at such a young age. I actually LOVE that our boy has a different perspective with his amazing autistic brain. He asks great questions...like why aren't there any boys on his sister's cheer squad. I thought that was a great question, so we asked the coach...who in turn said there hasn't been any interest, but there aren't any rules that say boys CANNOT join..(mind you, our boy is one of the best in the back of the room as he copies his sister, memorizes the moves instantly and is already a great gymnast). If it weren't for our desire to give them the opportunity to have their very own experience (as twins - this was intentional because there has recently been some overshadowing issues)...I would totally let him join. He would not mind one bit that he was the only boy. Others however, in our society where there are all these unwritten rules of how things SHOULD be....well, it might ruffle their feathers a bit. You know, I have been a trailblazer all my life...forging ahead into uncharted territory, paving a way for change without even knowing it...we all have...all of us who are different, marginalized in some way or another...TO THINE SELF BE TRUE...that is what I am working on currently in my recovery. Boy what a lesson to allow your children to live in their OWN truth...even when that means that you, as a feminist, have to allow your daughter to be a cheerleader because that is what SHE really wants to do, or you support your son to be the only boy in an all girl sport because it makes HIM happy.

Isn't that what we all want anyhow...to be accepted and loved and to be able to be known in our truth and loved anyhow? I know I do and I still struggle with giving that and receiving that...so here's to hoping I can be of service in trying to raise a new generation; full of acceptance and love.

It's amazing how our children can teach us so much about life. I am grateful to be present and I pray that I continue to pay attention.

CHANGE...it's constant

Change...one thing that you can always count on. I guess it's time to update this blog so that I can once again reclaim it as the space where I walk out my truth. A LOT has happened since I posted and so let's just say NOTHING is the same, and I am now living a life of recovery. Recovery of myself, my heart, my desires...Recovery of my relationship with my ex, the mother of my twins...Recovery also as in Sobriety...Recovery of all the loss and damage that has occurred over the last year and a half.
I am living now as I never have before, and yet I am just beginning this journey. Missy has moved on to recover herself and I know she is finding the real true Missy. I will always be grateful for our journey together.
Tracy, my ex wife, and I have begun to reconcile and join one another yet again along this journey of life. We are forever changed by the last year and a half and although it took hell to get us to where we are; I am grateful for our current ability to value one another, one day at a time.
Change...it is never ending. I am changing, the kids are constantly changing, my perspective is changing and as a result...my behavior, choices and desires are changing.
I am grateful, even for this difficult season, as I know it will bring about a different way of living and it's about time!
So...I reclaim this blog so that I might still have the freedom to process, share and connect. I am learning so much every day about myself and the person I want to become. I am committed to this journey of self discovery. I know it is the pathway to freedom!