So last night I went and saw the movie Hope Springs. For some reason I didn't really want to see it and I think that was my inner self telling me "NO, don't go!" But, my partner wanted to see it and I now live in a manner that compromises and plus, I really do love Meryl Streep. Well needless to say, I got up and left in the middle for a break. I came back, but something in me was very unsettled. The movie was fine, funny, etc...but when we got home, all of a sudden I was irritated and reactive. My partner did one little thing and boy I tore it apart, asked what she REALLY meant, and the tailspin began. It was long, messy, angry and painful...but I finally got to the core of what was going on so deep inside me. FEAR! I don't ever want to feel the pain of betrayal or hurt within my marriage ever again. I also don't ever want to live in a "loveless" marriage like some couples I know. Is it so wrong to actually want the REAL DEAL! So many people accept a standard that is so much lower than the love and affection they truly deserve. Possibly this is the journey I am traveling; one of self love, self respect and thus I believe that I deserve to have my needs met and I will fight for it; always. I know there were times in my marriage (years ago) where we drifted apart. This happens in all marriages over time. The key I believe is what you do during that time. What are you willing to do in order to tend to your marriage? Too many times I see couples get caught up in their fear of being rejected, so they won't risk even to tell their partner they miss them or need them. I do not ever want to reach this place again. So, what I've learned for today is to tell on myself. Tell my partner that it was all my fear, and own it. Tell her that I'm scared and don't ever want to get hurt again so deeply. Tell her that I love her more and more each day and so naturally my fear is surfacing because I am becoming more and more vulnerable. Tell her that I long for these dreams that are becoming realities in our life, but that fear seems to creep up because I'm afraid to lose it...to lose her.
So, I told her.
She totally understood and was gracious and loving and I am so grateful.
I think that's the choice I will have to continue to make to ensure we do not have a loveless, dead, lonely marriage. The more I reveal myself to her, in honesty and transparency, admitting my faults, limits, struggles, challenges, etc...the more we connect and can love each other through it. Amazing!