Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Time For Letting It All Out...

I've posted before about there being a "time for everything." Well, right now I cannot sleep and I believe I need to just "let it all out." So, I'm going to give myself permission to do just that...not sure what's going to come out....but I'm opening the door and allowing the demons that are screaming to have a voice - if only for tonight - if only for this time.

I know I am in a season, I know this too shall pass. But, you tell me that you're reflecting on the fond memories of our past dare you!

I think of the memories past
and I get angry with you
I think of the traditions built
and I well up with grief
I think of the times I trusted in you
and my heart stings with the pain of betrayal
I think of my family, welcoming you - the first
and I get furious that you've done them wrong
And now...
You break promises
You lie to promote your selfish desires
You say hurtful things to cause pain and harm
and then you try to bond and relate in these unhealthy ways that I'm supposed to respond to?
Well no, I live in reality and I am painfully grieving and walking through all the loss that our family has endured by your destructive choices.
Don't get me wrong - I am SO grateful because I've made it through the wilderness and to the promised land. I now know what good is and what a real, loving, respectful, mutually honoring relationship is all about. But, I still grieve and there is still much pain.
When our daughter speaks of how hard it is to "go back and forth" - I grieve
When our son says he wants to live back at "195" - I grieve (and btw, he says he wants to move Missy there too because he KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS that she IS part of our family)
When our daughter says that she misses me when she's at your house - I grieve
When she doesn't want to go back to your house, and wants to stay with me, and I have to strategize to help her transition and get her into your car and at times she is still yelling for me and calling out my name - I grieve.
The pain is near the surface and the wounds are still fresh.
And your request for a "christmas truce" - for the kids' sake...well, let me tell you that all I do, and everything I do, every day - is for the kids' sake. They know NONE of the above, as it wouldn't be in their best interest. So when our daughter tells me that she went to the Nutcracker with you the weekend before she was scheduled to go with me (like her and I do every single year as our special mommy-daughter tradition) - rather than tell her what I really feel about you doing that - I say "How special, you get to go 2 times, that is so cool!!"
Or when I take them to see the lights on the special street off Bolsa Chica - and they say Mama took us already, I say how get to see them again and isn't it cool that Mama and Mommy both know your very favorite street to look at the lights? I will ALWAYS do what's best for our kids, and that includes ALWAYS presenting you and I as a family that loves and supports them, even though we don't live together any longer. So, the truce you speak of - that you say is for the kids' sake - well, that is long overdue and honestly, I've been acting in a manner all along that doesn't require a truce - for the kids' a truce between you and I - with regard to our interactions, completely separate from our children....the day you stop lying, stop manipulating, stop trying to take my children away from me, stop using anything and everything against me, stop being so consumed with yourself and your own motives that you can actually do what is in the best interest of the kids - that is the kind of truce that is not only long overdue but actually honorable. You say you want to do this "christmas truce" in the spirit of Jesus - being Christmas and all - well, why don't you instead consider all of that when you're making the decisions you are making with your attorney with regard to what is in the best interest of our children. Why don't you consider Jesus and His heart about all of your attempts to beat me down so that I will give into your selfish, ridiculous demands and let you walk away "scott free" from this relationship, from our debt, from the decisions we made together when we were a family. You cheated, you betrayed me, you lied and deceived me, you didn't want to be married, you said you didn't love me and you used me and you want to continue using me now. You know that if you beat me down enough, eventually I will want you OUT of my life as much as possible so I will eventually give in to you. You are one of the best emotional manipulators I've ever known...except this time, I will not play the game. This time, you will be held accountable and I will not cover for you, I will not justify your actions for you, I will not be the one to carry the load like I did for 6 years. This time, it's your turn to take what is rightfully yours. It's your turn to stand up and to take responsibility. You ran from your marriage, you ran from your family, you ran from your state, you ran from yourself, you ran into Pam's destructive arms, you ran from her and pushed her away and you ran from me a long time ago. Well, no more running. This time the law will decide. I will fight for what is rightfully mine and I will not take on your burdens. It's time you learn to carry them yourself.


  1. My name is Vicki Lee. You do not know me personally but you do through your words. You have spoken the exact words I have been feeling for a couple of years now but could not put on paper as eloquently as you.I too am going through this same season and beleive this too shall pass but there are a few differences between us:
    1. you are both fortunate enough to have your babies in your lives as I don't even get that.
    2.your daughter speaks of how hard it is to go to the other parents house while mine are saying they wish they came out of my belly so they can be with me. My oldest says when she is old enough she will come see me all the time.
    3. you two are trying to devise a truce while mine is contemplating going back to court here anyday to finish what she started and revoke my guardianship.
    I can only wish and hope that she will honestly do what is right by our girls but that would of course take integrity and character(2 traits I always thought she had but now I even question that).
    Thank you for putting both of our feelings down on paper and I sincerely hope you will continue to be blessed and that all works out.

  2. Wow. What a Strong emotionally charged post.
    I'm glad you are putting your feelings into words and getting them out of your head.
    I hope that this resolves quickly and I'm sorry that you are going through it.

  3. Vicki - I am so sorry for what you're going through. I hope all works out for you and your children.

    "KJ" thank you!! I find such joy in reading the stories of your family. Thank you!!