Here we are, April 16, 2013. I haven't blogged in a very long time. I miss writing and also reading all of my favorite blogs...so I've decided it's time to return. So much has transpired in my life since I last blogged. To catch you all up, here are some facts.
* Reconciled with my partner in October 2011
* Started new job in May 2012
* Relocated with new job to Chicago, IL in October 2012
* Now live in the woods, on an acre of land with a creek in the backyard
* Made it through my very first winter (true seasons in IL)
* Spring has arrived and it's amazing
* Continued issues with my "health journey"
* Twins turn 7 in 2 months (CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!)
* Taking it one day at a time - and SO grateful!
Ok, now that we're all caught up. I've always used my blog as a way to write, process my feelings, share, learn, etc...and I will continue this process. It is very life producing for me. Right now I am processing a lot about love. Passionate love, lifetime love, love of family; both blood and chosen. We have so many different types of relationships in our lives. I am reflecting a lot upon love chosen, love built over time and the contrast between complete unconditional love; that no matter what happens, your love never fades for someone. Let me explain...love built over time is an experience that is founded upon history, memories, foundational experiences together, choice, someone who has been through life's ups and downs with you, and you with them. It does not mean the love that has "grown" over time has become conditional...the difference for me is that one is grown and one is immediately present and cannot ever be diminished.
Unconditional love that is immediately present whenever you speak to the person, see them, connect with them, etc...was formed with a bond so deep that it took root immediately. This "garden" does not take years of planting, watering, growing, etc...it produces immediate results. We are a society that enjoys immediate gratification, thus; one is long term (delayed gratification) and one is immediate. We receive such a sense of satisfaction from the immediate response in our emotional beings and we are a society that chooses to act based on how we feel. However, the delayed gratification - love grown over time - is it deeper? Are the roots planted more firmly? Will it last longer?
I recently watched a movie with Meryl Streep (an old one) called "One True Thing." In this movie the husband and wife have this beautiful loving relationship. Later you discover that the husband has always had affairs on the side, and the wife has always known. You see their "CHOICE" to continue to love one another, to be present in what they offer to each other in their every day life. You don't see any aspect of what they mean to one another diminished. You see how much they both truly love and cherish the relationship they have with each other. It caused me to pause. I believe love is a choice...each day we make choices that either bring us closer to our spouse, or further away. I also believe sometimes there is a bond of love that is so strong, that it exists no matter what we may try to do to dissolve it. This love provokes a reaction. It causes us, propels us, to act out of this love....rather than choosing to act (even when we don't feel like it) because we choose to love our spouse. In these times we act out of love, from a place of commitment to our spouse, rather than act because we can't help it...out of this love.
So, question for all of you out there:
Could you stay present in the love and life you have with someone, knowing that they are at times stepping outside of your relationship to get other needs met? Could you truly rest secure in the love and life you share with someone, and remain present in the every day experience that YOU have with that person...regardless of what they may share with another outside of the relationship?
In health and wellness we all understand that one person CANNOT be EVERYTHING to another...we must have resources and practice self care to get ALL of our needs met to be healthy...and this cannot come from just one person. So, for you...can this practice also apply to intimacy? What are your thoughts???????
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Monday, August 27, 2012
The Power of Choice
It has been so long since I’ve opened the door to possibility
Constantly running from the fear and ever present insecurity
Settling into complacency, no need for introspection
The journey of desire has only resolved into rejection
Suffering in silence while barely surviving
Getting by and pressing through, not living…not thriving
Telling myself I’ve accomplished much and should be settled in my truth
While choking every chance for change, killing the dreams of my youth
How did this become the very essence of my being?
To not want, to not desire…it’s safer, but not freeing.
I feel strained, chained; held captive in this cycle I create
Blaming everyone else for the condition of my fate
So this new trajectory before me
Will I allow myself to just be?
In the midst of the yearning
Desire burning
Possibilities churning
Will I finally allow this process to be one of learning?
I will shed the armor I’ve worn, risking and taking the chance
To live my desired life
To stop existing by happenstance
Constantly running from the fear and ever present insecurity
Settling into complacency, no need for introspection
The journey of desire has only resolved into rejection
Suffering in silence while barely surviving
Getting by and pressing through, not living…not thriving
Telling myself I’ve accomplished much and should be settled in my truth
While choking every chance for change, killing the dreams of my youth
How did this become the very essence of my being?
To not want, to not desire…it’s safer, but not freeing.
I feel strained, chained; held captive in this cycle I create
Blaming everyone else for the condition of my fate
So this new trajectory before me
Will I allow myself to just be?
In the midst of the yearning
Desire burning
Possibilities churning
Will I finally allow this process to be one of learning?
I will shed the armor I’ve worn, risking and taking the chance
To live my desired life
To stop existing by happenstance
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Restless, Irritated and Discontent
So last night I went and saw the movie Hope Springs. For some reason I didn't really want to see it and I think that was my inner self telling me "NO, don't go!" But, my partner wanted to see it and I now live in a manner that compromises and plus, I really do love Meryl Streep. Well needless to say, I got up and left in the middle for a break. I came back, but something in me was very unsettled. The movie was fine, funny, etc...but when we got home, all of a sudden I was irritated and reactive. My partner did one little thing and boy I tore it apart, asked what she REALLY meant, and the tailspin began. It was long, messy, angry and painful...but I finally got to the core of what was going on so deep inside me. FEAR! I don't ever want to feel the pain of betrayal or hurt within my marriage ever again. I also don't ever want to live in a "loveless" marriage like some couples I know. Is it so wrong to actually want the REAL DEAL! So many people accept a standard that is so much lower than the love and affection they truly deserve. Possibly this is the journey I am traveling; one of self love, self respect and thus I believe that I deserve to have my needs met and I will fight for it; always. I know there were times in my marriage (years ago) where we drifted apart. This happens in all marriages over time. The key I believe is what you do during that time. What are you willing to do in order to tend to your marriage? Too many times I see couples get caught up in their fear of being rejected, so they won't risk even to tell their partner they miss them or need them. I do not ever want to reach this place again. So, what I've learned for today is to tell on myself. Tell my partner that it was all my fear, and own it. Tell her that I'm scared and don't ever want to get hurt again so deeply. Tell her that I love her more and more each day and so naturally my fear is surfacing because I am becoming more and more vulnerable. Tell her that I long for these dreams that are becoming realities in our life, but that fear seems to creep up because I'm afraid to lose it...to lose her.
So, I told her.
She totally understood and was gracious and loving and I am so grateful.
I think that's the choice I will have to continue to make to ensure we do not have a loveless, dead, lonely marriage. The more I reveal myself to her, in honesty and transparency, admitting my faults, limits, struggles, challenges, etc...the more we connect and can love each other through it. Amazing!
So, I told her.
She totally understood and was gracious and loving and I am so grateful.
I think that's the choice I will have to continue to make to ensure we do not have a loveless, dead, lonely marriage. The more I reveal myself to her, in honesty and transparency, admitting my faults, limits, struggles, challenges, etc...the more we connect and can love each other through it. Amazing!
Monday, August 13, 2012
The music never stopped
As the night air turned crisp and the sun began it's descent, I was quieted by the memory of you
Sitting across from me in the backyard as the dawn snuck upon us, beckoning our bodies to rest
Our souls full, our hearts pounding
That is the night the music began
Through the years we became deaf to the calling, allowing the music to fade and drift away as the begging, the pleading grew silent
We would no longer allow the soothing tune to overpower our wills as we bathed ourselves in pride, taking comfort in the struggle, suffocating the sweet song that once led us home
And even as we drew our swords, casting our pain and despair upon the other in utter desperation
The music never stopped
It whispered in our hearts, it told of a love that defies all possibility, it spoke of a place where once again our souls would find their resting place
And in the silence, as a soft breath escapes my mouth, I can hear the sweet call..the tender sound
Calming my inner self, I open my heart and intently listen; arming myself against fear's innate penetration
And as I allow the music to envelop my being, I begin to bask in the overwhelming feeling of joy
And as truth washes over me I realize I have once again found my way home
Sitting across from me in the backyard as the dawn snuck upon us, beckoning our bodies to rest
Our souls full, our hearts pounding
That is the night the music began
Through the years we became deaf to the calling, allowing the music to fade and drift away as the begging, the pleading grew silent
We would no longer allow the soothing tune to overpower our wills as we bathed ourselves in pride, taking comfort in the struggle, suffocating the sweet song that once led us home
And even as we drew our swords, casting our pain and despair upon the other in utter desperation
The music never stopped
It whispered in our hearts, it told of a love that defies all possibility, it spoke of a place where once again our souls would find their resting place
And in the silence, as a soft breath escapes my mouth, I can hear the sweet call..the tender sound
Calming my inner self, I open my heart and intently listen; arming myself against fear's innate penetration
And as I allow the music to envelop my being, I begin to bask in the overwhelming feeling of joy
And as truth washes over me I realize I have once again found my way home
The Deconstruction of Reconciliation
Reconciliation is a process
Of healing and letting go
Of being willing to strip yourself of all superiority
Of realizing that you too are fallible and capable of hurting others in your pain
Reconciliation is a journey
Of acceptance and willingness
Of making peace with all that you cannot change
Of learning new tools so you do not repeat the same patterns of destructive behavior
Reconciliation is a choice
Of speaking truth to your inner most self
Of mindfulness of your wounds, yet resilience to press on
Of daily surrender to changing and evolving as to be your best self
Reconciliation is courageous
Of being reunited with your true core self
Of embracing the humanity in yourself and others
Of letting go of expectations and allowing yourself to live in truth
Reconciliation brings freedom!
My truth: Reconciliation is a risk...Risking is vulnerable...Vulnerability brings us into contact with our deepest yearnings...our deepest yearnings bring us to a place where we tap into all that we desire to be; all that God created us to be...God is the source as He is a God of reconciliation...a God of relationship...a God of healing. We have life so that we might live. Reconciliation is just part of the adventure we take as we continue down the path of recovery. It's worth the risk!
Of healing and letting go
Of being willing to strip yourself of all superiority
Of realizing that you too are fallible and capable of hurting others in your pain
Reconciliation is a journey
Of acceptance and willingness
Of making peace with all that you cannot change
Of learning new tools so you do not repeat the same patterns of destructive behavior
Reconciliation is a choice
Of speaking truth to your inner most self
Of mindfulness of your wounds, yet resilience to press on
Of daily surrender to changing and evolving as to be your best self
Reconciliation is courageous
Of being reunited with your true core self
Of embracing the humanity in yourself and others
Of letting go of expectations and allowing yourself to live in truth
Reconciliation brings freedom!
My truth: Reconciliation is a risk...Risking is vulnerable...Vulnerability brings us into contact with our deepest yearnings...our deepest yearnings bring us to a place where we tap into all that we desire to be; all that God created us to be...God is the source as He is a God of reconciliation...a God of relationship...a God of healing. We have life so that we might live. Reconciliation is just part of the adventure we take as we continue down the path of recovery. It's worth the risk!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Unearthed
Shadows cover my soul
Reminding me of the betrayal
Rage rises up and swallows whole any promise of freedom
I still stand in awe
Of the wounding you once inflicted
I'm torn in two,
obliterated by you,
yet I am the one who can't seem to break from these chains
Will I ever heal?
What does this pain reveal?
I must release the angst that still resides within
I know it's not my cross to bare, it's not my sin
Yet something restrains me from breaking free
It's like a never ending well of agony
As I glance in the mirror, my pride shatters
I'm faced with the question...What really matters?
The blame?
The internal shame?
Your wrongs, mine?
This alter, this shrine?
It's time to destroy this desolate land
I'm longing to give rather than demand
I want to feel the cool breeze once again sweetly kiss me on the cheek
This is true courage
This journey is not for the weak
I want to thrive, to survive, to finally live
I have found the motivation - ME
I will choose to forgive
Reminding me of the betrayal
Rage rises up and swallows whole any promise of freedom
I still stand in awe
Of the wounding you once inflicted
I'm torn in two,
obliterated by you,
yet I am the one who can't seem to break from these chains
Will I ever heal?
What does this pain reveal?
I must release the angst that still resides within
I know it's not my cross to bare, it's not my sin
Yet something restrains me from breaking free
It's like a never ending well of agony
As I glance in the mirror, my pride shatters
I'm faced with the question...What really matters?
The blame?
The internal shame?
Your wrongs, mine?
This alter, this shrine?
It's time to destroy this desolate land
I'm longing to give rather than demand
I want to feel the cool breeze once again sweetly kiss me on the cheek
This is true courage
This journey is not for the weak
I want to thrive, to survive, to finally live
I have found the motivation - ME
I will choose to forgive
Saturday, July 14, 2012
A Whole New You - A WHOLE YOU
Beautiful
The lines on your face
The falling from grace
The crushing of your pride
The learning to abide
Alluring
The opening of your heart
The becoming a part
The denying of distractions
The embracing of your actions
Sexy
The ease in your gate
The way in which you relate
The life illuminating from your eyes
The discarding of your disguise
Lovely
Your openness to those around you
Your willingness to continually undue
Your love pouring forth - given to me
Your letting go - You, True and Free!
The lines on your face
The falling from grace
The crushing of your pride
The learning to abide
Alluring
The opening of your heart
The becoming a part
The denying of distractions
The embracing of your actions
Sexy
The ease in your gate
The way in which you relate
The life illuminating from your eyes
The discarding of your disguise
Lovely
Your openness to those around you
Your willingness to continually undue
Your love pouring forth - given to me
Your letting go - You, True and Free!
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