Here we are, April 16, 2013. I haven't blogged in a very long time. I miss writing and also reading all of my favorite blogs...so I've decided it's time to return. So much has transpired in my life since I last blogged. To catch you all up, here are some facts.
* Reconciled with my partner in October 2011
* Started new job in May 2012
* Relocated with new job to Chicago, IL in October 2012
* Now live in the woods, on an acre of land with a creek in the backyard
* Made it through my very first winter (true seasons in IL)
* Spring has arrived and it's amazing
* Continued issues with my "health journey"
* Twins turn 7 in 2 months (CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!)
* Taking it one day at a time - and SO grateful!
Ok, now that we're all caught up. I've always used my blog as a way to write, process my feelings, share, learn, etc...and I will continue this process. It is very life producing for me. Right now I am processing a lot about love. Passionate love, lifetime love, love of family; both blood and chosen. We have so many different types of relationships in our lives. I am reflecting a lot upon love chosen, love built over time and the contrast between complete unconditional love; that no matter what happens, your love never fades for someone. Let me explain...love built over time is an experience that is founded upon history, memories, foundational experiences together, choice, someone who has been through life's ups and downs with you, and you with them. It does not mean the love that has "grown" over time has become conditional...the difference for me is that one is grown and one is immediately present and cannot ever be diminished.
Unconditional love that is immediately present whenever you speak to the person, see them, connect with them, etc...was formed with a bond so deep that it took root immediately. This "garden" does not take years of planting, watering, growing, etc...it produces immediate results. We are a society that enjoys immediate gratification, thus; one is long term (delayed gratification) and one is immediate. We receive such a sense of satisfaction from the immediate response in our emotional beings and we are a society that chooses to act based on how we feel. However, the delayed gratification - love grown over time - is it deeper? Are the roots planted more firmly? Will it last longer?
I recently watched a movie with Meryl Streep (an old one) called "One True Thing." In this movie the husband and wife have this beautiful loving relationship. Later you discover that the husband has always had affairs on the side, and the wife has always known. You see their "CHOICE" to continue to love one another, to be present in what they offer to each other in their every day life. You don't see any aspect of what they mean to one another diminished. You see how much they both truly love and cherish the relationship they have with each other. It caused me to pause. I believe love is a choice...each day we make choices that either bring us closer to our spouse, or further away. I also believe sometimes there is a bond of love that is so strong, that it exists no matter what we may try to do to dissolve it. This love provokes a reaction. It causes us, propels us, to act out of this love....rather than choosing to act (even when we don't feel like it) because we choose to love our spouse. In these times we act out of love, from a place of commitment to our spouse, rather than act because we can't help it...out of this love.
So, question for all of you out there:
Could you stay present in the love and life you have with someone, knowing that they are at times stepping outside of your relationship to get other needs met? Could you truly rest secure in the love and life you share with someone, and remain present in the every day experience that YOU have with that person...regardless of what they may share with another outside of the relationship?
In health and wellness we all understand that one person CANNOT be EVERYTHING to another...we must have resources and practice self care to get ALL of our needs met to be healthy...and this cannot come from just one person. So, for you...can this practice also apply to intimacy? What are your thoughts???????
This is a subject that I feel very strongly about. I think that you have hit on something that not everyone recognize- that "one person cannot be EVERYTHING to another". This doesn't mean that a relationship is flawed, or not good enough. It's similar to needing friends who serve a purpose that our partners do not. We need people in our lives to perform different roles. Sometimes, that role is intimate, aside from our partners. I believe that as long as it is not interfering in our relationships, but instead is adding to our own happiness and well-being, there is no harm in it.
ReplyDeleteI am one who could not stay in a relationship if I knew that she were stepping out on me. Part of it is because knowing my wife...she could not just have a sexual relationship with someone. There would be love and I do believe that after a while she would feel the need to choose one or the other as she could not handle both. Same goes for me.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who believes in "don't ask don't tell" I wonder though if she really did know if that would still hold true.
The swinger community seems to be getting bigger and bigger. I've heard stories of happiness and also broken marriages. Like LSD....I don't think I'd take my chances of it being a great high or me ending up alone selling my body for money to continue my habit. (yes. I'm comparing the 2) ha ha ha ha
Welcome back.