Building Self Esteem - In myself and my kids

Why do so many of us look to another to validate our worth? 
Why do we seek approval externally?
Well as a parent I can tell you that in my experience, we breed this type of behavior. 
I sit and observe us tell our kids "good job" as we create rewards and validate behavior that we deem acceptable.  We praise and affirm our children when they do well and give our "approval" to them...then, they learn that if they do more of "that good stuff," they will get more approval, more praise, more validation.
So, the question is...how do we stop this cycle and attempt to validate the child always...affirm and praise the individual person always...and address choices and behavior separately? 
I believe it's all about self esteem and believe it or not, it is possible to help a child to grow a strong sense of self esteem within themselves...but it takes a lot of intentional effort and awareness, that's for sure. 
As I am working on my own self esteem issues, I am acutely aware of my daughter's experience. Already at age 5, she is aware that her physical appearance is different. She is tall. What a great thing, right?  But she is now very aware that she is tall. You see, people say to her all the time "Wow, you are so tall" or "You are so big" so much so that it has become something that she is very aware of.  See, people don't point it out much when you are short....they don't say "WOW, you are so short" to little 5 year olds who are petite....but when you are 5 and you are so tall that you look 8, people think it's ok to make those comments. So, lately little T has been saying to me out of the blue..."Look Mommy, there's another tall girl" when she sees a tall girl at the library or something. So, she's already aware that something about her is different, and she is seeking her likeness in others around her.  She is hoping to not be the only one.
One of my core objectives as a parent is to help my children learn to love themselves for exactly who they are, respect themselves, believe in themselves and feel comfortable in their own skin - even in the areas where they are different. This will serve them ALL OF THEIR LIFE.
There are many areas in day to day life where I already see both of my kiddos displaying a strong sense of self.  Little C is proud to be who he is and doesn't really care what you think most of the time. Little T is much more worried about others liking her and we've been having some really good talks lately about what really matters...that she likes herself, that she is happy with her choices, that she feels good about who she is, the way she treats herself, the way she treats her friends, the way she helps others, and that she knows she is important and that she has a valuable, unique contribution to make to this world that no one else can make.
As I was saying all of this to her the other day...it stung a little...it's a good reminder for all of us.  We all have a contribution to make - no one else can take our place. Not yours! Not mine!

Important Daily Themes

I like to write. I am a word person. I like mantras, symbols, metaphors, cliche sayings, "bumper sticker" talk...all of it. I enjoy writing and I also use writing as a tool for self discovery, self expression and to process all the stuff going on inside my mind and heart.

These days, I am on a journey of self discovery. I've read a few blogs lately that have inspired me. A few days ago I decided to reflect on a few words as to remind myself of their importance within my daily experience.

Togethernesss
Community
Tribe
Fellowship

In addition to all of these words representing a common theme, I've realized that they are FOUR CONCEPTS that represent a way way of living - a way of being.

Togetherness:
For me, togetherness is a word that represents a very present way of being with others. It's one thing to be together physically - in the same room, hanging out, etc...but "togetherness" connotates a very aware presence that I am being with you and you are being with me. This applies a lot with family time. I am trying to be very mindful during the time I spend with the family that I am present, aware, in the moment, taking in the experience and also giving of myself in that time. It's a mutual exchange that leaves all feeling "full."

Community:
I love this word. It's application in my life is more about a way of living...so a verb rather than a noun. I want to be a person of community. A person who is mindful of others and their experiences. I want to invite others in - not exclude them. I desire to learn from other people's experiences and to share in our life's journey. I believe that we were created to be people of community. I believe we all have so much to share with one another...if we could just get beyond all of the barriers we have built out of self protection that prevents us from doing so. I want to teach my children to be people of community. I also desire to give back to our community; again, it's a mutual exchange. I also love the idea of sharing ideas, thoughts, perspectives, etc...and believe that within a community, diversity is crucial - diversity in ALL realms.

Tribe:
This word is special to me at this point in my life. It identifies a group of people to which I finally feel comfortable and "at home" with - hence "my tribe." It is simple, yet has such a profound affect when you actually feel you have found your tribe. I believe we all have this longing deep within us to belong, to be wanted, to be accepted, to be known in our core and to be loved. Finding my tribe has allowed me to exhale and begin to let people in again...I am learning to trust again, to let people love me (the real me) and to be vulnerable. It's hard...and it's a process.

Fellowship:
This is an interesting word. Growing up in a fundamental Christian home, this word was always associated with some church event. "Potluck held in the fellowship hall after service." or "Come and fellowship with our new Pastor." I always associated it with religion. I have learned to create new word associations and now I have embraced this word. At this time in my life fellowship is again, about an exchange. Don't forsake the fellowship. It's the relating, the knowing, the understanding, the listening, the laughing, the caring, the fun, the crying, the crazy, the helping, the serving, the mending, the holding, the praying, the encouraging, the "seeing" of another fellow.

So, for today, I am going to allow these themes to marinate. They represent who I truly am and what is important to me. I want to be mindful of these each day as to not get distracted by all of the "stuff." May we all find ways to seek out togetherness, to be people of community, to find our tribe (or if found, to truly allow ourselves to be known - and to know others, and to NOT forsake the fellowship.)

More to come on this journey of self discovery...

To Thine Self Be True

Little T and her Cheer leading Coach, after her very first exhibition performance, where they won 3 awards and she also received a trophy. She was very, very excited.
Little T and C, all ready to go to their very 1st school dance.

I cannot believe it. The kids had their first school dance. It was a Family Formal, so we all went together; even Grandma and Grampa came along. It was still just mind blowing to watch. The social aspect starts SO early. I sat and observed as the girls, in their little groups, fluttered around the room while the boys tried periodically to join in as an opening presented itself. Our little guy was of course just dashing. He became the coveted dance partner of the evening. In the end, it was the principle who won out and danced the night away with him as he continued to attempt to kiss her on the cheek. She was totally smitten!

Sometimes I am amazed as I sit back and watch the unspoken rules of our society begin to play out at such a young age. I actually LOVE that our boy has a different perspective with his amazing autistic brain. He asks great questions...like why aren't there any boys on his sister's cheer squad. I thought that was a great question, so we asked the coach...who in turn said there hasn't been any interest, but there aren't any rules that say boys CANNOT join..(mind you, our boy is one of the best in the back of the room as he copies his sister, memorizes the moves instantly and is already a great gymnast). If it weren't for our desire to give them the opportunity to have their very own experience (as twins - this was intentional because there has recently been some overshadowing issues)...I would totally let him join. He would not mind one bit that he was the only boy. Others however, in our society where there are all these unwritten rules of how things SHOULD be....well, it might ruffle their feathers a bit. You know, I have been a trailblazer all my life...forging ahead into uncharted territory, paving a way for change without even knowing it...we all have...all of us who are different, marginalized in some way or another...TO THINE SELF BE TRUE...that is what I am working on currently in my recovery. Boy what a lesson to allow your children to live in their OWN truth...even when that means that you, as a feminist, have to allow your daughter to be a cheerleader because that is what SHE really wants to do, or you support your son to be the only boy in an all girl sport because it makes HIM happy.

Isn't that what we all want anyhow...to be accepted and loved and to be able to be known in our truth and loved anyhow? I know I do and I still struggle with giving that and receiving that...so here's to hoping I can be of service in trying to raise a new generation; full of acceptance and love.

It's amazing how our children can teach us so much about life. I am grateful to be present and I pray that I continue to pay attention.

CHANGE...it's constant

Change...one thing that you can always count on. I guess it's time to update this blog so that I can once again reclaim it as the space where I walk out my truth. A LOT has happened since I posted and so let's just say NOTHING is the same, and I am now living a life of recovery. Recovery of myself, my heart, my desires...Recovery of my relationship with my ex, the mother of my twins...Recovery also as in Sobriety...Recovery of all the loss and damage that has occurred over the last year and a half.
I am living now as I never have before, and yet I am just beginning this journey. Missy has moved on to recover herself and I know she is finding the real true Missy. I will always be grateful for our journey together.
Tracy, my ex wife, and I have begun to reconcile and join one another yet again along this journey of life. We are forever changed by the last year and a half and although it took hell to get us to where we are; I am grateful for our current ability to value one another, one day at a time.
Change...it is never ending. I am changing, the kids are constantly changing, my perspective is changing and as a result...my behavior, choices and desires are changing.
I am grateful, even for this difficult season, as I know it will bring about a different way of living and it's about time!
So...I reclaim this blog so that I might still have the freedom to process, share and connect. I am learning so much every day about myself and the person I want to become. I am committed to this journey of self discovery. I know it is the pathway to freedom!

WOW...it's been a VERY long time since I've posted on my blog. Today is a new day. Lots has happened & rather than drudge up the past, I'm just going to stay focused on the present and the future. The kids are 5 and they started Kindergarten. They love it. They are SO big now. I'm so proud of them. They are both doing SO well. I'm in the process of rebuilding...from the ruins...and I am starting with very foundational matters. It's difficult...to rebuild after loss, damage and destruction...but not impossible. With God's help, my life will become all that it is meant to become and it will be better than I could ever imagine. I am learning a lot...about myself, my past behaviors, my patterns and the kind of person I want to be. Change is in order as things did NOT work previously. I am finally realizing the illness is within my mind, so it's time to change my thinking. I am building new support systems and I'm very grateful for my family; both chosen and blood related. My close friends who I can be totally honest and real with...well, they mean more to me than they could ever know. And then there's my amazing fiance Missy. She is the most non judgmental, patient, kind, understanding person I've ever met. Most times I feel unworthy of her love and devotion...but that's about me and my perceptions and I need to stop beating myself up. I've spent way too long trying to prove I'm important...trying to gain acceptance...trying to please others....so that maybe then, just maybe...I'll be good enough. Well, no more of that...it doesn't work. I need to find the place inside that believes I am good enough and that I don't have to prove it to anyone. I'm walking that journey now.

I'm so grateful and I hope I remember each day all the many blessings in my life. What are you grateful for?

Easter
Spring
New Life
This is a day we celebrate...in my family, within my faith, and always with my children. We've built certain traditions. We make Easter Baskets and give them to them Easter morning, we hide eggs and they love to "hunt" for them around the house, and we talk about how Jesus is ALIVE and what that means to us. It's a very big day - second to Christmas for us.
But this year, I won't see my kids on Easter.
Since we're still in the "thick" of it all, and we don't YET have anything stipulated from the judge on how we'll handle holidays - since it's her custodial weekend, she has said NO! - All of my requests - whatever time of day, trying to work out any arrangement that would work for her, etc....NO! if she has the opportunity to exercise some form of control over me; she WILL use it.
It's sad.
Little T and I always went shopping together to pick out her new dress....they look forward to the traditions - many that involved me or were initiated by me.
But this year, there will be silence where there should be laughter.
Absence rather than togetherness.
On the day we celebrate the Resurrection Life - I pray that it somehow spills over to my children.
Lord, keep your hand firmly, gently - but always upon them!
And God...I need some help....I am feeling discouraged....I will pray...but please, help me....help them., my little ones who deserve so much more.....and please if possible Help HER to see the error in her ways and to want to do what's best for the children. ~ Amen

People Disappoint Us...

Sometimes people disappoint us. They turn out to respond in ways we don't expect; especially in times of great need or illness. Recently I've heard from my sister in law (to be) about certain friends that just haven't come around...during a time when she's been dealing with some major health concerns that have yet to be fully diagnosed. Over the last 10 months, I've lost a ton of people who I thought were close friends, because they didn't agree with some of the choices I made in my life. Now, Missy is losing one of her closest friends - in one of her greatest times of need and yet also in a time when she is actually doing better than she's been doing in a really long time. You know, I think this friend was used to the previous dynamic - it was familiar & comfortable. Previous dynamic: Missy was not healthy, struggling with lots of issues and abusive relationships, etc.. and really needed her. Current situation: Missy is really healthy, doing really well (the best she's been ever - according to her family, doctors, friends, etc...) and yet her closest friend - who was the one constantly giving her advice on how to "become" this person that she is actually now becoming - within her own perception and through her own filter, has basically ended the friendship with Missy because she feels Missy is not, and has not, been the kind of friend she thinks she should be to her. All of this mind you, within a time when Missy was taking care of her sister, her family members, then me, our kids, etc....all in a time when you expect your closest friends to "rally" around you and hold you up and offer support, no matter what - when you expect the grace to be present when there aren't phone calls, or when any and all free time found is spent sleeping or trying to connect with your partner, or taking care of your kids and being present to them.....all of these things.....this friend totally understands and has gone through herself actually.....almost a year ago - she and her partner isolated big time from people and yet, people kept reaching out and they just "didn't have it" - and even during that time, Missy kept reaching out just saying "I'm here for you. I love you. I miss you".....but I guess I am really disappointed because I expect (as is the case with ALL of our other close friends) that when you are close friends/like family - you understand these times and you have grace and you embrace one another when the time comes and you move forward. Unfortunately, this friend projected all of her dissatisfaction with Missy, the lack of friend she has been (according to her) projected a lot of her own stuff, and also then said she was concerned about me and began saying very hurtful things about Missy and I and our relationship and dynamic (all which were not true and her own reality)....and then, ended the friendship! Sometimes people disappoint us. But it still hurts....and I expected more. This person is a therapist for goodness sakes. I am working on my expectations of people....but in this case, I don't think they were unrealistic. I think that if something happened to Missy tomorrow (God Forbid) I wonder if this friend would think "was it all worth it?" "did those things really matter" "was I really there for her" or possibly she might think, "why did I make it all about myself?" These moments make you realize what really matters.......it brings you back to the perspective and position that is so very important in life; living a life of gratitude and grace.....and we'll continue living in it....we'll grieve...we'll feel the sadness (especially Missy)...and we'll hope that repair and recovery can happen one day; when the time is right. For now - the way it came about was not ideal, but Missy was feeling a break was needed. So, Break: We will embrace you. Please be gentle.