Friday, April 1, 2011

People Disappoint Us...

Sometimes people disappoint us. They turn out to respond in ways we don't expect; especially in times of great need or illness. Recently I've heard from my sister in law (to be) about certain friends that just haven't come around...during a time when she's been dealing with some major health concerns that have yet to be fully diagnosed. Over the last 10 months, I've lost a ton of people who I thought were close friends, because they didn't agree with some of the choices I made in my life. Now, Missy is losing one of her closest friends - in one of her greatest times of need and yet also in a time when she is actually doing better than she's been doing in a really long time. You know, I think this friend was used to the previous dynamic - it was familiar & comfortable. Previous dynamic: Missy was not healthy, struggling with lots of issues and abusive relationships, etc.. and really needed her. Current situation: Missy is really healthy, doing really well (the best she's been ever - according to her family, doctors, friends, etc...) and yet her closest friend - who was the one constantly giving her advice on how to "become" this person that she is actually now becoming - within her own perception and through her own filter, has basically ended the friendship with Missy because she feels Missy is not, and has not, been the kind of friend she thinks she should be to her. All of this mind you, within a time when Missy was taking care of her sister, her family members, then me, our kids, etc....all in a time when you expect your closest friends to "rally" around you and hold you up and offer support, no matter what - when you expect the grace to be present when there aren't phone calls, or when any and all free time found is spent sleeping or trying to connect with your partner, or taking care of your kids and being present to them.....all of these things.....this friend totally understands and has gone through herself actually.....almost a year ago - she and her partner isolated big time from people and yet, people kept reaching out and they just "didn't have it" - and even during that time, Missy kept reaching out just saying "I'm here for you. I love you. I miss you".....but I guess I am really disappointed because I expect (as is the case with ALL of our other close friends) that when you are close friends/like family - you understand these times and you have grace and you embrace one another when the time comes and you move forward. Unfortunately, this friend projected all of her dissatisfaction with Missy, the lack of friend she has been (according to her) projected a lot of her own stuff, and also then said she was concerned about me and began saying very hurtful things about Missy and I and our relationship and dynamic (all which were not true and her own reality)....and then, ended the friendship! Sometimes people disappoint us. But it still hurts....and I expected more. This person is a therapist for goodness sakes. I am working on my expectations of people....but in this case, I don't think they were unrealistic. I think that if something happened to Missy tomorrow (God Forbid) I wonder if this friend would think "was it all worth it?" "did those things really matter" "was I really there for her" or possibly she might think, "why did I make it all about myself?" These moments make you realize what really brings you back to the perspective and position that is so very important in life; living a life of gratitude and grace.....and we'll continue living in it....we'll grieve...we'll feel the sadness (especially Missy)...and we'll hope that repair and recovery can happen one day; when the time is right. For now - the way it came about was not ideal, but Missy was feeling a break was needed. So, Break: We will embrace you. Please be gentle.

1 comment:

  1. I totally can identify with that and i wish Missy a speedy recover for her hurting soul. I know all to well about thinking you have friends and finding out when you need them the most to do or say the right thing, they stand by and let your heart be ripped out, your children taken from you, and somehow justify in their minds it was for the best. Even while a guardian for your children tells the court your kids are grieving and hurting not knowing when or if they will ever see their mama again it meant nothing. Oh yea! this isn't abaout I wish you both the grace to walk through it and I sincerely hope things end up for the best for all involved.