WOW...it's been a VERY long time since I've posted on my blog. Today is a new day. Lots has happened & rather than drudge up the past, I'm just going to stay focused on the present and the future. The kids are 5 and they started Kindergarten. They love it. They are SO big now. I'm so proud of them. They are both doing SO well. I'm in the process of rebuilding...from the ruins...and I am starting with very foundational matters. It's difficult...to rebuild after loss, damage and destruction...but not impossible. With God's help, my life will become all that it is meant to become and it will be better than I could ever imagine. I am learning a lot...about myself, my past behaviors, my patterns and the kind of person I want to be. Change is in order as things did NOT work previously. I am finally realizing the illness is within my mind, so it's time to change my thinking. I am building new support systems and I'm very grateful for my family; both chosen and blood related. My close friends who I can be totally honest and real with...well, they mean more to me than they could ever know. And then there's my amazing fiance Missy. She is the most non judgmental, patient, kind, understanding person I've ever met. Most times I feel unworthy of her love and devotion...but that's about me and my perceptions and I need to stop beating myself up. I've spent way too long trying to prove I'm important...trying to gain acceptance...trying to please others....so that maybe then, just maybe...I'll be good enough. Well, no more of that...it doesn't work. I need to find the place inside that believes I am good enough and that I don't have to prove it to anyone. I'm walking that journey now.

I'm so grateful and I hope I remember each day all the many blessings in my life. What are you grateful for?

Easter
Spring
New Life
This is a day we celebrate...in my family, within my faith, and always with my children. We've built certain traditions. We make Easter Baskets and give them to them Easter morning, we hide eggs and they love to "hunt" for them around the house, and we talk about how Jesus is ALIVE and what that means to us. It's a very big day - second to Christmas for us.
But this year, I won't see my kids on Easter.
Since we're still in the "thick" of it all, and we don't YET have anything stipulated from the judge on how we'll handle holidays - since it's her custodial weekend, she has said NO! - All of my requests - whatever time of day, trying to work out any arrangement that would work for her, etc....NO! if she has the opportunity to exercise some form of control over me; she WILL use it.
It's sad.
Little T and I always went shopping together to pick out her new dress....they look forward to the traditions - many that involved me or were initiated by me.
But this year, there will be silence where there should be laughter.
Absence rather than togetherness.
On the day we celebrate the Resurrection Life - I pray that it somehow spills over to my children.
Lord, keep your hand firmly, gently - but always upon them!
And God...I need some help....I am feeling discouraged....I will pray...but please, help me....help them., my little ones who deserve so much more.....and please if possible Help HER to see the error in her ways and to want to do what's best for the children. ~ Amen

People Disappoint Us...

Sometimes people disappoint us. They turn out to respond in ways we don't expect; especially in times of great need or illness. Recently I've heard from my sister in law (to be) about certain friends that just haven't come around...during a time when she's been dealing with some major health concerns that have yet to be fully diagnosed. Over the last 10 months, I've lost a ton of people who I thought were close friends, because they didn't agree with some of the choices I made in my life. Now, Missy is losing one of her closest friends - in one of her greatest times of need and yet also in a time when she is actually doing better than she's been doing in a really long time. You know, I think this friend was used to the previous dynamic - it was familiar & comfortable. Previous dynamic: Missy was not healthy, struggling with lots of issues and abusive relationships, etc.. and really needed her. Current situation: Missy is really healthy, doing really well (the best she's been ever - according to her family, doctors, friends, etc...) and yet her closest friend - who was the one constantly giving her advice on how to "become" this person that she is actually now becoming - within her own perception and through her own filter, has basically ended the friendship with Missy because she feels Missy is not, and has not, been the kind of friend she thinks she should be to her. All of this mind you, within a time when Missy was taking care of her sister, her family members, then me, our kids, etc....all in a time when you expect your closest friends to "rally" around you and hold you up and offer support, no matter what - when you expect the grace to be present when there aren't phone calls, or when any and all free time found is spent sleeping or trying to connect with your partner, or taking care of your kids and being present to them.....all of these things.....this friend totally understands and has gone through herself actually.....almost a year ago - she and her partner isolated big time from people and yet, people kept reaching out and they just "didn't have it" - and even during that time, Missy kept reaching out just saying "I'm here for you. I love you. I miss you".....but I guess I am really disappointed because I expect (as is the case with ALL of our other close friends) that when you are close friends/like family - you understand these times and you have grace and you embrace one another when the time comes and you move forward. Unfortunately, this friend projected all of her dissatisfaction with Missy, the lack of friend she has been (according to her) projected a lot of her own stuff, and also then said she was concerned about me and began saying very hurtful things about Missy and I and our relationship and dynamic (all which were not true and her own reality)....and then, ended the friendship! Sometimes people disappoint us. But it still hurts....and I expected more. This person is a therapist for goodness sakes. I am working on my expectations of people....but in this case, I don't think they were unrealistic. I think that if something happened to Missy tomorrow (God Forbid) I wonder if this friend would think "was it all worth it?" "did those things really matter" "was I really there for her" or possibly she might think, "why did I make it all about myself?" These moments make you realize what really matters.......it brings you back to the perspective and position that is so very important in life; living a life of gratitude and grace.....and we'll continue living in it....we'll grieve...we'll feel the sadness (especially Missy)...and we'll hope that repair and recovery can happen one day; when the time is right. For now - the way it came about was not ideal, but Missy was feeling a break was needed. So, Break: We will embrace you. Please be gentle.

Evolution / Transformation / A desire for change (Oh and it's all about Missy, not me, LOL)

This is my love: Missy. She has naturally curly hair - very thick and very curly. She has been wearing it short and also regularly uses a straightening iron. Yesterday, she did her hair all shaggy and curly and talked to me about this desire that has come up within her: to grow out her hair. (OMG, I'm screaming on the inside..wait, sorry, this is NOT about me) So, she says...I was looking at some pictures the other day of when I had long hair (mind you, I've seen some of these pics on her FB from way back when and thought, oh wow...I LOVE her longer, curly hair..........hehehe) anyhow, I digress......so, she said "I was looking at this picture and I said I think I want to grow out my hair again." and she asked me - what do you think babe? I said what I would normally say as a very supportive and accepting person "Babe, I think you should do whatever you desire to do....hair for me is an expression...it's an art, really, (I love hair) and there are times when I feel the desire to have long hair and times when I want it really, really short....you are going through a journey of integration (as we call it) so, bottom line: I think if you want to grow it out - grow it out. Then after she takes all that in and says: But would you like it.....I said "UM....BABE, I've never told you that I've seen those other pics of you with long hair and had moments where my breath was taken away...so let's just say that's a YES! A BIG YES!" LOL..... So as she grows it out, it will become more and more curly - shaggy - etc.....and it is beautiful. The picture above was her - yesterday.....doing her hair naturally - all the curls, just letting them be......no straightening iron, no manipulation - just beautiful, free curls. BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! Below is also a fav. pic of mine....and will show you how she's been wearing it......which is also very cute! But I think as we evolve as people, things about the ways we express ourselves outwardly also evolve and change. So, I'm excited to see the transformation of my beautiful woman as her dark luxurious curls begin to grow out. ;-) Will keep you all posted and chronicle the journey - because I know you are completely and totally on the edge of your seats about this issue...I know, I know....it's ok....I'll keep you informed. lol

Pondering

Lots of pondering happening today. It is quiet, which finally provides the space wherein I will allow myself to go internal, feel, think & reflect. My love is on a peaceful sabbatical for a few days and it is NOT our weekend with the kiddos. We are both "filling our tanks" in ways that we need - which is to spend a little time alone, time with God, time with our inner selves, time to write, create, sleep, etc...whatever it is that we have need of this day - in each moment, we have the freedom to JUST......and to ONLY.....take care of our own needs. Many couples do not do this for themselves, or for one another....this is our first time and I think something that we've both realized is good for us both and we need to be intentional about building it in as needed. The last few weeks have been HELL to say the least and my love has been carrying about 99.9% of the load. Not only was she dealing with issues within her own family (her sister and some health issues/scares) but then I had an outpatient surgery that was supposed to be 10 minutes, easy-peasy, home and back to work the next day - and then as soon as I got home began having major complications - ended up back at the ER, admitted, had to have another more serious surgery to deal with the complications and was in the hospital for 4 days....then home to recover - AND it's our 5 custodial days with our twin kiddos. Ok - need I say more. She has been taking care of me, of them, of our family and our home, or her family, her sister, ......and the list goes on......and so now, this weekend - her only task is to TAKE CARE OF HER - in whatever way that manifests itself.....she has promised to take care of herself. So, in my time alone (which btw, just started at 8:00pm last night) I have had some very amazing interactions with some people I didn't expect where I believe they were absolutely meant to happen. I'm not ready to blog about it all yet....but I still am SOOOOOO amazed at times that when we feel a desire to "take a walk" and then on that walk we run into someone, strike up a conversation and that conversation turns into a life changing moment for that person.........those types of moments......I had a few of them last night.............and I'm still amazed! So, there's lots of pondering going on for me today. I am going to catch up on my blogs (gosh I miss all of you...and what the heck is going on over there with KJ and the kids, I don't even KNOW what child has wrecked what kind of havoc within what part of the house for gosh sakes!! and that is JUST WRONG) I am going to do some writing. I am going to do some reading. I would bet you I'll do some napping....during the 2 listed above, and prob. not intentional. lol I am going to watch some tv and veggg out. I am going to "Just Be" - and enjoy the silence, knowing my family is all taken care of.....and maybe if I feel up to it, call my dad and ask him out on a date later tonight. ;-) Hey, there's a $3.00 movie theatre up the street...so watch out!! So - back to ponder away - just wanted to "touch base" with all of you in some way. May you all have a great day and may you find space to just be today. (breathe in....and now out....aaawwwwww)

REAL LOVE - What? What is that? It sounds vaguely familiar...hmmmm

It's amazing to truly know what REAL LOVE is like....to experience it in your day to day life.
Real love brings along with it ALL these OTHER things you didn't necessarily plan for, or sign up for, well honestly...that's cuz you didn't know how badly you needed them. Here are just a few examples: (Don't worry, I'll ease you in slowly)

* Unconditional Love
I mean, who knew that you could actually be loved without expectations on the other side in order to somehow "earn" said love, or to prove that you are somehow "worthy" of said love, right? Who knew? And that it could truly be freely given; without internal resentment harbouring ...just waiting for the right moment to let out all the "conditions" that truly were present when the "presentation" was that it was unconditional...crazy, right?

*Loving Kindness
I mean again...who knew you didn't have to play the "bartering" game and create some sort of deal system in order to receive some sort of love or kindness in a real time of need - You know the kind....you take care of the kids while I'm throwing up every 30 minutes for 12 hours straight and then of course once I'm better, you can have a weekend away. I mean didn't you always have to make some sort of trade that really benefited the other person in order to receive any kind of love or kindness... c'mon,.....it's not just me here....right?

*Truly wanting the other's best interest - I mean truly, like over your own.

WOW! Really? Who knew this was even a remote possibility within a relationship - I mean really??? Where have I been...doesn't everyone put their own needs above everyone else's; especially those they are in a relationship with, even to the emotional detriment of the other? I mean how does this foreign concept even work? I think I need some continued major demonstration on this one...for real!

Ok...so those are just a few...I didn't want to bombard you with all this new conceptual thinking about REAL LOVE and how that manifests itself...it's a huge deal dude, and I think I am really trying to take it all in.

To Be Continued........

Enough is Enough - I AM DONE.

The tale you tell, so confidently and just You tell this story as if you even know us You haven't had a conversation with me in almost a year And yet you have all these rules you feel I should adhere to IF I were pure in my motives IF I were repentant in my heart IF I desired to "make things right" and yet your spirit just seems to have this desire to fight. Nothing you say comes from a spirit of reconciliation but actually coated in division and a desire for humiliation Your motives are in question, by way more than just me I pray you put your own agenda aside, for the sake of the ministry.