The Power of Choice

It has been so long since I’ve opened the door to possibility


Constantly running from the fear and ever present insecurity

Settling into complacency, no need for introspection

The journey of desire has only resolved into rejection

Suffering in silence while barely surviving

Getting by and pressing through, not living…not thriving

Telling myself I’ve accomplished much and should be settled in my truth

While choking every chance for change, killing the dreams of my youth

How did this become the very essence of my being?

To not want, to not desire…it’s safer, but not freeing.

I feel strained, chained; held captive in this cycle I create

Blaming everyone else for the condition of my fate

So this new trajectory before me

Will I allow myself to just be?

In the midst of the yearning

Desire burning

Possibilities churning

Will I finally allow this process to be one of learning?

I will shed the armor I’ve worn, risking and taking the chance

To live my desired life

To stop existing by happenstance

Restless, Irritated and Discontent

So last night I went and saw the movie Hope Springs. For some reason I didn't really want to see it and I think that was my inner self telling me "NO, don't go!" But, my partner wanted to see it and I now live in a manner that compromises and plus, I really do love Meryl Streep.  Well needless to say, I got up and left in the middle for a break. I came back, but something in me was very unsettled. The movie was fine, funny, etc...but when we got home, all of a sudden I was irritated and reactive. My partner did one little thing and boy I tore it apart, asked what she REALLY meant, and the tailspin began. It was long, messy, angry and painful...but I finally got to the core of what was going on so deep inside me. FEAR! I don't ever want to feel the pain of betrayal or hurt within my marriage ever again.  I also don't ever want to live in a "loveless" marriage like some couples I know. Is it so wrong to actually want the REAL DEAL! So many people accept a standard that is so much lower than the love and affection they truly deserve. Possibly this is the journey I am traveling; one of self love, self respect and thus I believe that I deserve to have my needs met and I will fight for it; always. I know there were times in my marriage (years ago) where we drifted apart. This happens in all marriages over time. The key I believe is what you do during that time. What are you willing to do in order to tend to your marriage? Too many times I see couples get caught up in their fear of being rejected, so they won't risk even to tell their partner they miss them or need them. I do not ever want to reach this place again. So, what I've learned for today is to tell on myself.  Tell my partner that it was all my fear, and own it. Tell her that I'm scared and don't ever want to get hurt again so deeply. Tell her that I love her more and more each day and so naturally my fear is surfacing because I am becoming more and more vulnerable. Tell her that I long for these dreams that are becoming realities in our life, but that fear seems to creep up because I'm afraid to lose it...to lose her. 
So, I told her.
She totally understood and was gracious and loving and I am so grateful.
I think that's the choice I will have to continue to make to ensure we do not have a loveless, dead, lonely marriage. The more I reveal myself to her, in honesty and transparency, admitting my faults, limits, struggles, challenges, etc...the more we connect and can love each other through it. Amazing!

The music never stopped

As the night air turned crisp and the sun began it's descent, I was quieted by the memory of you
Sitting across from me in the backyard as the dawn snuck upon us, beckoning our bodies to rest
Our souls full, our hearts pounding
That is the night the music began
Through the years we became deaf to the calling, allowing the music to fade and drift away as the begging, the pleading grew silent
We would no longer allow the soothing tune to overpower our wills as we bathed ourselves in pride, taking comfort in the struggle, suffocating the sweet song that once led us home
And even as we drew our swords, casting our pain and despair upon the other in utter desperation
The music never stopped
It whispered in our hearts, it told of a love that defies all possibility, it spoke of a place where once again our souls would find their resting place
And in the silence, as a soft breath escapes my mouth, I can hear the sweet call..the tender sound
Calming my inner self, I open my heart and intently listen; arming myself against fear's innate penetration
And as I allow the music to envelop my being, I begin to bask in the overwhelming feeling of joy
And as truth washes over me I realize I have once again found my way home

The Deconstruction of Reconciliation

Reconciliation is a process
Of healing and letting go
Of being willing to strip yourself of all superiority
Of realizing that you too are fallible and capable of hurting others in your pain

Reconciliation is a journey
Of acceptance and willingness
Of making peace with all that you cannot change
Of learning new tools so you do not repeat the same patterns of destructive behavior

Reconciliation is a choice
Of speaking truth to your inner most self
Of mindfulness of your wounds, yet resilience to press on
Of daily surrender to changing and evolving as to be your best self

Reconciliation is courageous
Of being reunited with your true core self
Of embracing the humanity in yourself and others
Of letting go of expectations and allowing yourself to live in truth

Reconciliation brings freedom!

My truth: Reconciliation is a risk...Risking is vulnerable...Vulnerability brings us into contact with our deepest yearnings...our deepest yearnings bring us to a place where we tap into all that we desire to be; all that God created us to be...God is the source as He is a God of reconciliation...a God of relationship...a God of healing.  We have life so that we might live. Reconciliation is just part of the adventure we take as we continue down the path of recovery. It's worth the risk!