What is it about lesbians talking about their donors? It might just be me, but I don't want to share my donor number, or know how many other children are out there, produced by the same sperminator. I am, and forever will be, grateful to our donor. He gave us the greatest gift in the entire world. But, he gave it specifically to us. Our family could not have been created without his help. However, even though I know he has helped other parents create their families...that is just is, it's THEIR family. I realize there is biology here...and I am really grateful for the biology that coupled with T's has created the most beautiful, amazing, intelligent, funny, creative and talented kids. However I am not interested in knowing about other children out there, other parents who have used the same donor, etc...

The other day I was sitting at our play group (families with pride...all lesbian moms and toddlers/babies in our local area) and moms began talking about donors. That is their choice obviously, but I would like a choice in the matter as well. I think we should all be respectful of everyone in the community and be cautious when divulging sensitive information as we all may have different views and comfort levels. I think it's private, and we want it to remain that way. We are happy to share about the donor (his characteristics, height, weight, etc...) but he is our special gift and we don't want to share him. That's our right and I hope that others will respect every person's right to navigate through donor world their own way, with regard to their own personal choices.

While not being employed is stressful, I must say I have shared some amazing moments with my little ones. The past few weeks have been full of new adventures. We visited the Santa Ana Zoo and they LOVED it. It's just their size, not too big, and there is a choo-choo train. Boy did little C love that! They also fed the goats little pellets and after putting aside their initial fear...they jumped right in and laughed and thought it was the neatest thing. We also saw a brand new baby monkey with it's mama. So cute!
We also plan to visit the organic farm and get some strawberries and take a wagon ride. Then we plan to also visit a place called Kid Concepts. It's an indoor play area with mats and balls and toddler gym time. That should be great! We often visit the aquarium and last week a friend of ours took us behind the scenes. What fun that was, and we were able to feed some of the fish. We've had many play dates at the park and outings to the mall to ride in the fire engine double truck and ride the horses on the carousel. We plan to visit Mickey's house again soon and we have begun many art projects at home. I must say, it's rather nice to be a part of my little one's every day experience. When I return to work I think I may grieve and feel great loss, but I know it's for them and our family. So, in the mean time I will continue my avid job searching, but also relish the sweet memories we are making as a family!

The weirdest thought...in the midst of this journey (you know, the was laid off have no income or health benefits journey) we have been looking at pics of the little ones when they were born. I can't wait to have another baby. Isn't that horribly crazy? We are talking about actually doing it...maybe the beginning of 2009. Wow! So many people say, "Oh, one of each, a boy and a girl, now you are done!" Why do they assume that because we have 1 boy and 1 girl that we are finished building our family. Don't straight couples at times have more than 2 children...and even have more of the same sex? Anyway...I always just reply...nope, we may have more.

My little boy is going through a "scared" phase...it seems he is right in line with a phase that some toddlers go through around his age (22 months). He says he is scared and then he says ok, like, I'm ok. But he seems to be having these scared moments more often. Not sure how to respond, except of course to cuddle and comfort him. Now, it's even the tubby (bath time) which is a new one....so, anyone with any tips, please let me know. Thnks!

Long Time No Blog

Wow, it's been a long time. Too long...too much to write about, but I am sure I will find a way since right now I should be sleeping as my twins will be up in about 5 hours, if not before. Yea, it's been 3 nights now that we've been up in the night with both twins. Molars are making their way through and it's really been tough on them. At least it's mostly sleeplessness and not too much pain...yet.

Speaking of pain, I seem to have a lot of it inside right now. Not sure why...but there's a hole in my soul. I feel a tremendous amount of loss and the empty burn deep inside keeps me up at night. Jeannie is gone and I miss her. As of today, my job is gone. Our income is gone. Our health benefits are gone. My every day routine is gone. My solace, a place that was only mine, where I could breathe and find time to be me...that's gone too. My friendships with my colleagues, gone...or at least our every day comradery and deposits into each others lives. My self worth, gone. My belief in myself, gone. My fear...NOT GONE!

I am terrified and yet I know that one greater than myself will make a way for me and for my family. But truth be told, I am very uncertain and that feeling does not sit well within me. I think we've visited this before. The unknown, the uncertain, the feeling of being unsettled, the lack of security...I am sure no one enjoys these emotions, but for me, they really shake my core self...I really get knocked down a few. It's a true inner battle. I am determined to not succumb to the temptation to wave my white flag...you know, to surrender...not in a good "I let go and find peace sort of way", but the sort of surrender that beckons me to just give up, check out via some vice or two, ignore the red flags that tell me to figure out what I am feeling, write, reach out to a friend, get connected, find inner strength...yes, the temptation to run and hide and bury myself so deep within my own shelter that I am no longer connected to the outside world.

We all have our limits & we all have our vices...and I know that some sort of compartmentalism is healthy, as our beings have a way of saying that's all I can handle for now...but I am taking about just checking out and numbing the pain, failure, feelings, fear, etc...

You see that, for me...well it's no longer an option. I have kids....two beautiful, amazing, wonderful, talented, smart, engaging, charismatic toddlers. I love them and they deserve my totally undivided, engaged, fully present heart, soul, mind and spirit. They deserve nothing less. When I decided to become a mommy, for me, at that moment, I decided to no longer check out when things get really bad, hard, difficult, stressful, pressured, etc...as they deserve more...and truly, I want them to know that you can deal, process, press in, hunker down, take inventory, fight the good fight and make it through when the storm hits. I was never really taught that lesson. I owe it to them to model this and provide them with tools for life....aha, so this is my opportunity. Ok, well...let me not lose sight of this valuable life lesson.

I am making a decision...right now...to take one day at a time. I will take life on life's terms (the good and the not so good) and I will stay present. For my children, I will learn this very hard lesson...in hopes that they will not have to!

For T and C: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!