My body, it's still trying to work it all out...the months leading up to the hearing were full of anxiety, worry, fear of the unknown...the fact that there was even a remote possibility that my children could be taken right from my arms...it was the most unsettled I've felt in a very long time. Sleep was inconsistent & cherished when it was hours without interruption, stress was a constant companion as the truth was constantly being distorted time after time, from the other side. And my body...I've been on this journey of health now for over a year but my poor body has been trying to work all of this out and it's not really sure how to transition...
So here I am, post hearing...awake and it's 2:30am.....I slept earlier when I finally sat down after the kids went to bed...couldn't keep my eyes open actually and fell asleep while watching a movie for an hour or so. There is something quiet and still about the middle of the night - when most of the people around us have all stopped to rest and replenish themselves.
I don't sit and ponder all the what if's that used to captivate me in my head. I do have great peace and comfort knowing that God is in control, always has been, and still is...He showed me that BIG TIME this past Monday. I know the truth and I will continue to stand firmly within it, knowing that in always making the choice to honor the lessons and the journey, I will come through this a better person than before I began.
However, my body....my little body....is still trying to work things out...so I leave the following message for you Body....take this in, and receive.
Body: It's ok to rest now....it's ok to let go....you are safe....and your beautiful children are sleeping just beyond the other side of the wall. It's ok to recover...it's ok to repair...it's time to allow yourself (dear body) the opportunity...or rather, give yourself permission to not stand guard over this threat you felt so deeply coming against you and your family...you can stand down now. It's ok to let it all out...it's ok to feel it all. It's ok to NOT be ok. So go....rest.....allow yourself to be wrapped up in all the love and support that so many people are surrounding you with each and every day. You are safe. You are loved and you are protected.
This has been one of the hardest journeys of my life...yet I am present. I will continue to take it one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time...and receive that which God has for me and also learn and grow as I face each new challenge.
Body: You can lie down now and be renewed.
Now is the time.
It is ok.