Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Are YOU the one? Are YOU? Are YOU?

Tonight as Missy and I were talking about past relationships, we discussed those coming out relationships - when you're first realizing you're gay, then the next ones and the ones where you swear within the first 10 minutes that you'll be together forever and have x many know, typical lesbian style...and as we're talking and she's telling me of these different women that were interested in her, and how scared she was and so forth, so she didn't respond to their pursuits, I asked her if she had regrets? Does she wish she had more experience...was out there living it up, etc...and she said "Babe, all I've ever wanted was a quiet little life with a wife and a family. I didn't even want to go to the bars, but I thought I had to...I thought it was the only place you could meet women. I didn't know...all my friends were coupled and I tried at church and they were all coupled too, or they were "that kind of lesbian" (sorry no offense intended)...but the more older lesbian who would have loved to have a 20 something new seeker to "tend to." And then she told me of this one girl she dated who when they broke up said "we weren't really dating anyway" (she thinks that is because they didn't have sex) but at the same time this girl is telling her "I'm gonna clean up my life for you, I'm gonna cut back on drinking and smoking and partying and you're the one...etc..." oh, but they weren't really dating. Anyhow, so she tells me about this other women who also said things like "You're the one, we're gonna be together and have babies, etc..." and she said to me "Why did all these women tell me that I was the one and they were gonna change their lives and I was all that they ever wanted?" MY reply: "Because YOU ARE....and those women most likely meant it and felt that you were what they really wanted deep inside, the problem was THEY couldn't get THEMSELVES to where THEY needed to be to actually have you!!!!!!!!!! And thank God, cuz I am reaping ALL of the benefits of that one!! ;-)
Anyhow, many of us as gay people, trying to find ourselves do tell each girlfriend we have "Oh, you are the one, it'll be me and you forever" and the reality is that until we're old enough to know what it really takes to "BE" The One for someone else - and what that really means, how the hell can we claim and expect someone else to "BE" The One for us!
Recently, obviously as many of you know, I've been going through a horrible divorce. I really, truly, with all of my fiber and being thought my ex was "the one." She was the closest out of the other women I had dated to "being" the one (or so I thought). I am not going to slander her because she is the mother of my children, but I was lied to, betrayed....from the beginning really, with who she presented herself to be. I was also lied to and betrayed by her in the relationship. I think as gay people, we have enough heart ache and pain to deal with = wouldn't it be nice if we could all present our true selves to one another so that we could actually finally, truly find "the one" - if that is what you are seeking for your life?
I'm glad God actually brought her to me as a gift - I know beyond a shadow of any doubt, that Missy is "my lobster" - looking back, and with everything I've gone through, I could never say that about any of my ex girlfriends with certainty....did I say it....of course I did...and I believed it - at the time...but boy maturity, growth, realizing who YOU really are and what matters to YOU - what you can compromise on and what you can't, realizing that you can be picky and selective in the gay dating world....for so many of us back in the day we dated someone because they liked us.....I've asked so many friends "So why did you start dating her in the first place" and the answer was she liked me, asked me out.....I always respond with "Well, what about her interested you, why did you want to date her" - many times the response is "Oh, I didn't think about that...." and obviously after going out a few times they realized they had nothing in common and weren't even attracted to one another in the first place.
This leads me to think that if it were acceptable, socially for gay kids/teens/ go through ALL of the natural things during puberty and during those years when you're bringing boys home, etc...going to prom, going to the movies, bringing someone home to meet the parents, etc...the stuff our straight siblings did during those years....we would have been able to go through all of that at the appropriate developmental stage in our lives.....vs being in our 20s, finally realizing we're gay, going out with people we don't even find attractive just because they like us, etc...I mean it just sounds junior high....and that's the point: we should have been able to do ALL of that while IN junior high....but for many of us we couldn't, or we hid it, or we felt it was dirty or shameful or wrong, or we led two lives, etc...or we just didn't know what was different about us and we dated boys and had really good "buddies" (as Missy and I fondly call the guys she dated during her high school and college years). It's interesting to think of what the world would be like if being gay was just like having different color hair - to the entire we would have been able to go through the stages of life when they were actually intended to happen. Interesting thought, huh.....
I'm just grateful that God intervened for Missy and I both - and brought us both back together. I am beyond blessed and my heart is forever hers! FOR SURE! No, really....honestly, I KNOW IT! LOL ;-)

1 comment:

  1. I love the way you write...I'm glad you found your "one". :O)Oh and I'm so happy everything turned out good for you, the ex and most importantly the kiddos! Leslie