Last night, while driving on the 91 freeway, in rush hour traffic, all of a sudden the car breaks down. The temperature gage has quickly moved itself all the way over to the red zone and smoke is coming from under the hood. Right there, in the middle of rush hour traffic, on the 91 freeway. in the fast lane. So I put on my emergency hazards, and try to start the car again to find some little but of umph to just let me get over to the side shoulder and as it starts and stops, and I have my blinker on...no one will let me over. Everyone is angry and going around me and I have so inconvenienced them that NO ONE is willing to stop for a moment to let me get the car over to the shoulder. And then... that was it. The straw...you know the one that finally breaks the camel's back.
Mediation was this week - which did not go well, but yet went as expected. Nothing has changed and everything will be decided by a judge in court on 1/31. I guess there is some tiny bit of comfort in the fact that I can predict that she will continue to lie, deceive and present her own version of reality; which couldn't be further from the truth. I can expect this. I can know that this will not change...I feel like that should give me some ounce of feeling settled knowing what I can expect from her.
But it does not.
Every time I feel betrayed. Again.
Every time I feel deceived. Again.
Every time I feel shocked that she is doing all of the things that she is doing....Again.
As I left the court house this past week I was reminded of the last time we were in court. It was the day I was adopting the twins. February 10, 2007. I remember the judge asking her questions such as you agree that this person is to FOREVER be their parent and you understand that no matter what happens with regard to the relationship between the two of you - you will both forever be their parents. I remember him asking me, you understand you are taking responsibility for these children's lives, no matter what and you will always be there and support them, etc... I took this very seriously. I take being a parent very seriously. I take my role in their life, under God, as the most important "position" in my life.
So, that straw - that finally broke the camel's back....here I lie, crying, weeping, writing, being around friends that love me, being with my love (Missy) and being with my little angel face and my bubby boy - and in my "falling apart" I find my true strength in their free, unconditional love and support. And that....that is all that really matters!!!! PERIOD!
So yes, straw .......camel's broke back...........but we'll just get up again and keep on standing in the truth and filled with the love and comfort that our community provides to us. The fight will go on....just some days are battle days, and others are recovery days. Today is a day of recovery - lots of wounds, lots of scars...but I will rise again, out of the ashes, I will rise again.