Be near me Lord Jesus
I ask you to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray
Bless all the dear children
in thy tender care
and take us to heaven
to live with you there


This is for my children. They are the loves of my life and I would lay down my own life for them. I will always fight for them - and will never give up fighting for what's right on their behalf. I will protect them, keep them safe, teach them, love them, help them grow and do all that is in my power to provide the best loving home for them. But when it's out of my control...I have to pray and trust that God can and will draw near - and will work on my behalf...on their behalf.

God, we need this now. Please.

My heart condition - or rather, the condition of my heart

There's nothing like a good health scare to cause you to focus on what really matters. We get so caught up in the day to day...all of the distractions that take us away from being really present. I recently thought I was having a heart attack. Pain in my chest, down my left arm, couldn't breathe, etc...after a few ambulance rides, 3 doses of Nitro, a GI cocktail that numbed my upper half, 3 EKGs, a stress test and lab work...turned out to be extreme esophageal spasms; which is not fun and can kind of feel like a heart attack.
But overall great news is that my heart is fine. In fact...more than fine. It is full and so grateful. When you go through something like this, you realize that life is short and at any moment we, or any of our loved ones, could be gone from this life. Every single moment counts. As I've reflected on this I have decided to intentionally have an attitude of gratitude...very timely for the season of Thanksgiving that we have entered, if I must say so myself.
I don't have a heart condition...but the condition of my heart is vital and I have found that an attitude of gratitude helps me to keep myself "positioned" in the face of everything we face in this life. Life is hard. It always has been and always will be. No one has it easy...but it's about what we do in the midst of it that really shapes our character and has the ability to affect those around us for the better. All the heart medicine in the world can't replace what gratitude can do for the "condition" of your heart.
Here is my attitude of gratitude creed:
* I will be thankful, even when I feel like being selfish
* I will be grateful, even when my need far outweighs what I have
* I will be thankful for all of the circumstances that enter my life, as I know they are part of the journey to help me become a better me
* I will be grateful for the little things..that we almost miss each and every day, or that we take for granted as we go about our days: the wind blowing the leaves, the smell of the beach fire pits from down the street at night, the feel of fall - as the crisp air begins to permeate through the day, the sun shining bright - welcoming us to enjoy the outdoors, the rain - watering the earth with "drip drop notes" - the birds chirping, the fact that I can get out of bed today and I have a job, I have a roof over my head, I have a comfortable bed to sleep in every night...
* I am so thankful for love - for God's amazing love - full of grace - and poured out for all. For Missy's love - so pure and raw, bringing healing and restoration to my very being. For the love of my children - always constant, strong and full - filling my tank when I'm running on empty.
* I am thankful for my family. My father - who is finally present to God and to me in a way I've never known. My mother - who as her health fails her, her heart which is SO full of love to give, continues to lavish it upon me and my family.
* I am thankful for my friends. My true friends - who know me, and love me in spite of all that they know. My friends who challenge me, and process life with me, and bring encouragement and hope to me in times when I need it most.
* I am thankful that my basic needs are met and I am able to provide for my family.
* I am thankful for life and I hope to remain present each day - giving back and allowing the amazing wonder and beauty of love to continue to change me, grow me, renew me, restore me, heal me and to fill my cup to runneth over.
So, I do not have a heart condition - but the condition of my heart is something I will focus on each day. I hope you will too.
An attitude of gratitude....it will have an effect on you and all of those around you. I promise!

National Coming Out Day - Monday, Oct. 11th

A service was held tonight to celebrate being who God created us to be. In honor of National Coming Out Day tomorrow, we gathered tonight at our church to reflect on the unique thumb print given to us all by God. We are diverse and colorful and ALL of us loved deeply by our Creator. We are called to be an expression of Him...and yet if we do not enter in to who we really are, our true authentic selves, due to fear/injustice/rejection/etc....we miss out on what it is God really wants to do through us, as gay people.

We gathered tonight and focused on Hope. Kids are dying and it is not ok. The suicides that have taken place have caused a lot of us to step up and stand up to say "NO MORE!" We must tell our stories and share the hope that has helped us all get to where we are on our own journey.

We are bonded by the "likeness" of our paths...we are a community...we are family.

Tomorrow, on National Coming Out Day...I will continue to live as my authentic self hoping that God can shine through me to touch another. If given the opportunity, I will share my story to hopefully help another find hope.

"It Will Get Better" I know this, because I was the victim of a hate crime for being gay. I have been bullied and have lost friends and family members for being gay. I have stood out on the margins and have learned to find my true self worth and value from within and from God. I know it gets better....I am living proof as many of us are...we all have our stories....try sharing yours tomorrow in honor of those who still live in fear about opening that closet door.

Bonding - Finding commonalities and building bridges

Missy and my angel face - drawing with chalk and creating togetherThere are so many lessons we can learn from our children. My little girl loves to create. She loves to draw, to paint, to color, to read stories, to make up stories and to sing. She, like most young girls, enjoys sharing all of her creations and is very proud when she has completed a project. She and Missy have been bonding lately and it's been a beautiful thing to watch unfold. We both respected her journey...and let it happen organically and it's so sweet.

What I love about Missy is her innate ability to find the common ground and to build from there. This is such a lesson for all of us. How often do we shut each other out, or deny another any grace or understanding because we approach each other from a place of fear and insecurity, rather than find the thing we have in common and approach one another from a place were we can relate and actually find that we can share in each other's experiences. I am convinced that changing our perspective and approach will build bridges where you didn't think possible.

We as humans are so good at division and isolation. We are so good at finding reasons why you won't understand me and I certainly don't "get" you. We judge, we make assumptions, we find "difference" and we selfishly use it to help justify our own positions.

Today is the International Day of Peace. Today, I challenge you as I challenge myself...Reach forth and make an effort today, in peace, to find a commonality with someone that you really don't like very much. Maybe you have very different views on family, on ethics or politics, or maybe you really differ on how you parent, or the way you show love to your partner/spouse, or maybe you have been really hurt or rejected by someone, or possibly you feel that you are not good enough because you don't meet the expectations or standards of someone else who has projected that upon you.

Today, in peace, find a place of commonality...there is something, I promise you, that you share with that person in your human experience. Find a common ground and try to approach them from a place of peace and understanding. Bonds will form and a foundation will be built. I am watching it happen with my daughter and the love of my life. It's a wonder...how we all want the same thing underneath it all anyhow...to be loved, to feel safe, to be known, to be heard and validated for who we are and what we can bring to our world.

Let's reach out and bring that to one another today on this International Day of Peace. It's my challenge today as well....let me know how it goes for you, ok? I will do the same.

- Peace Out

Eat
Pray
Love

Try to find pleasure in "the art of doing nothing"

Seek God, the divine Creator, and remember that if you want to live in the castle, you must swim the moat

Don't run away from all of the possibilities of your life, out of fear - remember, losing balance for love is living balance for life

Eat
Pray
Love

Here is a picture of Missy and her twin sister Mary - per request ;-) ;-)

To also share a bit more about the parenting style Mary and Eric are committed to - it's what I would call natural, organic, attachment parenting; which is something very familiar to us in Southern California. However, Mary and Eric live in one of the most conservative parts of the entire US and have been called "hippies" or "beatniks" because they are free thinkers, they welcome diversity, they believe in community & they have many people as part of their "extended family." For example...there's a house down the street with 7 bedrooms and about 10 people live there, in community, and share everything and are "a family." We have learned a lot about "living in community" and it's been so good for our souls. We might have called it "commune living" back in the day...but it's amazing to sit around a huge table with over 15 people, including couples, babies, kids, single guys, etc...who all love and care for one another, who all contribute to the "family" and who are all like minded with regard to their living space and their relationships with one another. It's quite inspiring. All of these things aren't the "norm" in a small, dutch, christian reformed, college town....and all of these people in "the blue house" accept one another and where they're at on their journey - with regard to life, purpose, spirituality, relationships, the world, etc...This amazing community of wonderful people exists in the middle of a town where we were pulled over and harassed with regard to the "nature of our relationship" and where if we lived here as out lesbians, we would not be able to get a job. CRAZY! But...this trip has been so good for our souls and we are full of gratitude!!

Iowa....who'd a thunk it?

Who knew Iowa would include an amazing group of people who choose to live in community, serving and helping one another, caring about the social injustices currently taking place in the world...people who intentionally position themselves on the outskirts and dare to stand out...especially in one of the most conservative places in the US?

I sure didn't!!

It's also an amazing thing to meet the twin sister of the woman you love. Having twins, I am of course very tuned in to their special, unique bond...but I never knew I would fall in love with a twin. Meeting Mary (Missy's twin sister) and getting to know her, being in her home, being welcomed into her family and observing the love and care that exists between her and Miss, has caused me to fall even deeper in love with Missy. It's like it all makes sense now...like something was missing...a piece of the puzzle that I just couldn't put my finger on that caused things to not feel quite complete...but now, knowing Mary...I feel that I know Missy in a way I didn't before coming here. It's quite sweet and I feel very blessed.

I also am very inspired by Mary and Eric's desire and commitment to be who they are, to raise their kids in the way they feel is best, to live and create their home and community in the manner that feels right to them...even when neighbors, family, or other locals don't agree with their particular style. I know that for me, as a parent, I easily get trapped into putting on all the expectations of others as if it's my daily uniform and then I begin to shape my life based on what they feel is right for me and my children. I hate this and I want to be strong enough to stand apart and do what I feel is best for my kids, even when it seems to be "against the grain."

I spent 4 years trying to fit into the mold created by the mother of my children. I felt that in order for her to love me, I needed to be all that SHE thought I should be...as a person, a parent, a partner...and I always, always failed! In her eyes, I am sure I am still a failure....but truly, it's only because I am different. I do things differently and I believe it's important that my children experience me...the authentic me. I believe that it's important that I teach my children to be strong and courageous and to stand up against injustice and to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves and to love fervently no matter what, even if it means that others judge you because they cannot fit you into their box of comfort and familiarity.

So many opportunities for reflection have emerged in Iowa.

I want an intentional group of people to be "OUR" community
I want to teach my children to help others, to serve and to "see" others who need their love and support and to not be afraid to offer it - in kindness
I want to do guided meditation adventures with my children
I want to create time and space to explore and experience life and relationships - with Miss and my children - as part of our community - and to NOT get stuck in the day to day
I want to give back and teach my children why it's important

Mary, Eric, Izzo, Truby...I am so blessed and grateful to have spent this time with you, in your home, in your town, with your community. You are all going home with me, in my heart, and I can't wait to see you all again soon!