It was only a matter of time. We have been cutting and using tape and wrapping presents, and using scissors and so, I shouldn't really be surprised, and I guess it's kind of a right of passage...yes, you guessed it...Caleb decided to cut his hair. I first noticed it when I was taking him out of the bath...big chunks missing on top of his head. I asked him if he cut his hair and he absolutely denied doing so. You'll see in the video - also Tessa also absolutely denies knowing anything about it - but then forgets what her position was as she goes on to tell me how she cleaned up the hair and wiped up the floor for Caleb. Oh, the fun of having twins!!!! AND on Christmas Eve of all times....Fun, Fun, Fun!!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A Time For Letting It All Out...
I've posted before about there being a "time for everything." Well, right now I cannot sleep and I believe I need to just "let it all out." So, I'm going to give myself permission to do just that...not sure what's going to come out....but I'm opening the door and allowing the demons that are screaming to have a voice - if only for tonight - if only for this time.
I know I am in a season, I know this too shall pass. But, you tell me that you're reflecting on the fond memories of our past holidays....how dare you!
I think of the memories past
and I get angry with you
I think of the traditions built
and I well up with grief
I think of the times I trusted in you
and my heart stings with the pain of betrayal
I think of my family, welcoming you - the first
and I get furious that you've done them wrong
And now...
You break promises
You lie to promote your selfish desires
You say hurtful things to cause pain and harm
and then you try to bond and relate in these unhealthy ways that I'm supposed to respond to?
Well no, I live in reality and I am painfully grieving and walking through all the loss that our family has endured by your destructive choices.
Don't get me wrong - I am SO grateful because I've made it through the wilderness and to the promised land. I now know what good is and what a real, loving, respectful, mutually honoring relationship is all about. But, I still grieve and there is still much pain.
When our daughter speaks of how hard it is to "go back and forth" - I grieve
When our son says he wants to live back at "195" - I grieve (and btw, he says he wants to move Missy there too because he KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS that she IS part of our family)
When our daughter says that she misses me when she's at your house - I grieve
When she doesn't want to go back to your house, and wants to stay with me, and I have to strategize to help her transition and get her into your car and at times she is still yelling for me and calling out my name - I grieve.
The pain is near the surface and the wounds are still fresh.
And your request for a "christmas truce" - for the kids' sake...well, let me tell you that all I do, and everything I do, every day - is for the kids' sake. They know NONE of the above, as it wouldn't be in their best interest. So when our daughter tells me that she went to the Nutcracker with you the weekend before she was scheduled to go with me (like her and I do every single year as our special mommy-daughter tradition) - rather than tell her what I really feel about you doing that - I say "How special, you get to go 2 times, that is so cool!!"
Or when I take them to see the lights on the special street off Bolsa Chica - and they say Mama took us already, I say how awesome...you get to see them again and isn't it cool that Mama and Mommy both know your very favorite street to look at the lights? I will ALWAYS do what's best for our kids, and that includes ALWAYS presenting you and I as a family that loves and supports them, even though we don't live together any longer. So, the truce you speak of - that you say is for the kids' sake - well, that is long overdue and honestly, I've been acting in a manner all along that doesn't require a truce - for the kids' sake....now a truce between you and I - with regard to our interactions, completely separate from our children....the day you stop lying, stop manipulating, stop trying to take my children away from me, stop using anything and everything against me, stop being so consumed with yourself and your own motives that you can actually do what is in the best interest of the kids - that is the kind of truce that is not only long overdue but actually honorable. You say you want to do this "christmas truce" in the spirit of Jesus - being Christmas and all - well, why don't you instead consider all of that when you're making the decisions you are making with your attorney with regard to what is in the best interest of our children. Why don't you consider Jesus and His heart about all of your attempts to beat me down so that I will give into your selfish, ridiculous demands and let you walk away "scott free" from this relationship, from our debt, from the decisions we made together when we were a family. You cheated, you betrayed me, you lied and deceived me, you didn't want to be married, you said you didn't love me and you used me and you want to continue using me now. You know that if you beat me down enough, eventually I will want you OUT of my life as much as possible so I will eventually give in to you. You are one of the best emotional manipulators I've ever known...except this time, I will not play the game. This time, you will be held accountable and I will not cover for you, I will not justify your actions for you, I will not be the one to carry the load like I did for 6 years. This time, it's your turn to take what is rightfully yours. It's your turn to stand up and to take responsibility. You ran from your marriage, you ran from your family, you ran from your state, you ran from yourself, you ran into Pam's destructive arms, you ran from her and pushed her away and you ran from me a long time ago. Well, no more running. This time the law will decide. I will fight for what is rightfully mine and I will not take on your burdens. It's time you learn to carry them yourself.
I know I am in a season, I know this too shall pass. But, you tell me that you're reflecting on the fond memories of our past holidays....how dare you!
I think of the memories past
and I get angry with you
I think of the traditions built
and I well up with grief
I think of the times I trusted in you
and my heart stings with the pain of betrayal
I think of my family, welcoming you - the first
and I get furious that you've done them wrong
And now...
You break promises
You lie to promote your selfish desires
You say hurtful things to cause pain and harm
and then you try to bond and relate in these unhealthy ways that I'm supposed to respond to?
Well no, I live in reality and I am painfully grieving and walking through all the loss that our family has endured by your destructive choices.
Don't get me wrong - I am SO grateful because I've made it through the wilderness and to the promised land. I now know what good is and what a real, loving, respectful, mutually honoring relationship is all about. But, I still grieve and there is still much pain.
When our daughter speaks of how hard it is to "go back and forth" - I grieve
When our son says he wants to live back at "195" - I grieve (and btw, he says he wants to move Missy there too because he KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS that she IS part of our family)
When our daughter says that she misses me when she's at your house - I grieve
When she doesn't want to go back to your house, and wants to stay with me, and I have to strategize to help her transition and get her into your car and at times she is still yelling for me and calling out my name - I grieve.
The pain is near the surface and the wounds are still fresh.
And your request for a "christmas truce" - for the kids' sake...well, let me tell you that all I do, and everything I do, every day - is for the kids' sake. They know NONE of the above, as it wouldn't be in their best interest. So when our daughter tells me that she went to the Nutcracker with you the weekend before she was scheduled to go with me (like her and I do every single year as our special mommy-daughter tradition) - rather than tell her what I really feel about you doing that - I say "How special, you get to go 2 times, that is so cool!!"
Or when I take them to see the lights on the special street off Bolsa Chica - and they say Mama took us already, I say how awesome...you get to see them again and isn't it cool that Mama and Mommy both know your very favorite street to look at the lights? I will ALWAYS do what's best for our kids, and that includes ALWAYS presenting you and I as a family that loves and supports them, even though we don't live together any longer. So, the truce you speak of - that you say is for the kids' sake - well, that is long overdue and honestly, I've been acting in a manner all along that doesn't require a truce - for the kids' sake....now a truce between you and I - with regard to our interactions, completely separate from our children....the day you stop lying, stop manipulating, stop trying to take my children away from me, stop using anything and everything against me, stop being so consumed with yourself and your own motives that you can actually do what is in the best interest of the kids - that is the kind of truce that is not only long overdue but actually honorable. You say you want to do this "christmas truce" in the spirit of Jesus - being Christmas and all - well, why don't you instead consider all of that when you're making the decisions you are making with your attorney with regard to what is in the best interest of our children. Why don't you consider Jesus and His heart about all of your attempts to beat me down so that I will give into your selfish, ridiculous demands and let you walk away "scott free" from this relationship, from our debt, from the decisions we made together when we were a family. You cheated, you betrayed me, you lied and deceived me, you didn't want to be married, you said you didn't love me and you used me and you want to continue using me now. You know that if you beat me down enough, eventually I will want you OUT of my life as much as possible so I will eventually give in to you. You are one of the best emotional manipulators I've ever known...except this time, I will not play the game. This time, you will be held accountable and I will not cover for you, I will not justify your actions for you, I will not be the one to carry the load like I did for 6 years. This time, it's your turn to take what is rightfully yours. It's your turn to stand up and to take responsibility. You ran from your marriage, you ran from your family, you ran from your state, you ran from yourself, you ran into Pam's destructive arms, you ran from her and pushed her away and you ran from me a long time ago. Well, no more running. This time the law will decide. I will fight for what is rightfully mine and I will not take on your burdens. It's time you learn to carry them yourself.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Holidays
They bring about so many emotions...
Joy, Wonder, Excitement, Anticipation, Anxiety, Happiness, Cheer, Hope, Love, Grief, Loss...
and they also bring about opportunity for new traditions, new memories, new family togetherness, new relationships being built and times of fellowship and fun.
Change is difficult - remembering the old and grieving / mixed with the gratitude and grace that exists within the new. I wouldn't change anything...but my heart does still grieve. I never knew the goodness that was ahead, as I was in the storm - I did not have any idea that I truly was going to find my way "home."
I am truly home and I am so grateful.
Holidays
They bring about so many emotions...
However, above all, I will stand in truth - that I am loved and that love freely given to me fills my heart to overflowing so that I may in turn offer love to you.
I am blessed to be a blessing...and I hope to give away as much as I receive. We are much blessed!
They bring about so many emotions...
Joy, Wonder, Excitement, Anticipation, Anxiety, Happiness, Cheer, Hope, Love, Grief, Loss...
and they also bring about opportunity for new traditions, new memories, new family togetherness, new relationships being built and times of fellowship and fun.
Change is difficult - remembering the old and grieving / mixed with the gratitude and grace that exists within the new. I wouldn't change anything...but my heart does still grieve. I never knew the goodness that was ahead, as I was in the storm - I did not have any idea that I truly was going to find my way "home."
I am truly home and I am so grateful.
Holidays
They bring about so many emotions...
However, above all, I will stand in truth - that I am loved and that love freely given to me fills my heart to overflowing so that I may in turn offer love to you.
I am blessed to be a blessing...and I hope to give away as much as I receive. We are much blessed!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Wintertime Books - Family Time
Inspired by my sister in law (to be) and the books they enjoy reading as a family over the holidays, I thought I'd share a few that we are enjoying. Each night we select 3-4 and read them as a family. Here are a few of our favorites. What books are you enjoying reading as a family during the Holiday Season?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I've seen two movies lately that I highly recommend.
1. For Colored Girls
2. Love and Other Drugs
For Colored Girls: Based on the novel/play "For Colored Girls who have ever considered suicide." It's amazing, painful, harsh, poetic, lovely, raw, beautiful and empowering. Be ready to have tissues, and no matter what "color" we all are -as women, as humans, we've all been through pain and loss and heartache and we can all relate. (Plus every woman involved in this ensemble cast deserves an Oscar!)
Love and other drugs: Anne Hathaway is amazing! If anyone has chronic pain, or chronic illness (like me) then most likely they can relate to Maggie - who pushes away love, and has convinced herself she doesn't need anyone...because it's much easier to push you away then for you to leave me in the midst of my weakest moment, when I need you the most...that abandonment, being left without anyone to care for you - in the midst of pain, the loss of control, the unpredictable nature of chronic pain, etc...being left alone in it - well, the only way you can survive is to press through and learn not to depend on anyone....not to let anyone "in." Then comes along Jamie...and he has never loved anyone more than himself and he hasn't believed in himself and she shows him who he really is, and who he has the potential to be. He needs her just as much as she needs him. He wants to care for her, and she wants to love and care for him.
Both of these movies brought up a lot of "stuff" for me. I've been through major trauma, I've survived major abuse, I've lived through horrid injustices, I've been dealt a bad hand - but truly, haven't we all. The tricky part is letting someone love you "in it" - truly love you.
I am learning.
1. For Colored Girls
2. Love and Other Drugs
For Colored Girls: Based on the novel/play "For Colored Girls who have ever considered suicide." It's amazing, painful, harsh, poetic, lovely, raw, beautiful and empowering. Be ready to have tissues, and no matter what "color" we all are -as women, as humans, we've all been through pain and loss and heartache and we can all relate. (Plus every woman involved in this ensemble cast deserves an Oscar!)
Love and other drugs: Anne Hathaway is amazing! If anyone has chronic pain, or chronic illness (like me) then most likely they can relate to Maggie - who pushes away love, and has convinced herself she doesn't need anyone...because it's much easier to push you away then for you to leave me in the midst of my weakest moment, when I need you the most...that abandonment, being left without anyone to care for you - in the midst of pain, the loss of control, the unpredictable nature of chronic pain, etc...being left alone in it - well, the only way you can survive is to press through and learn not to depend on anyone....not to let anyone "in." Then comes along Jamie...and he has never loved anyone more than himself and he hasn't believed in himself and she shows him who he really is, and who he has the potential to be. He needs her just as much as she needs him. He wants to care for her, and she wants to love and care for him.
Both of these movies brought up a lot of "stuff" for me. I've been through major trauma, I've survived major abuse, I've lived through horrid injustices, I've been dealt a bad hand - but truly, haven't we all. The tricky part is letting someone love you "in it" - truly love you.
I am learning.
Monday, November 29, 2010
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