Finally Home

Facts:
1. We now live in the Midwest
2. I've lived in Southern Cali my whole life
3. We live in the woods, in nature, with a creek running through our huge yard.
4. We have a dog, a cat, 2 fish and 4 ducks (that we've adopted)
5. We moved here at the beginning of winter, and I'm actually experiencing seasons
5. I've never felt more at home!!

My partner always said I was a transplant and should have been born and raised in the Midwest. I now get it...she was so right!

Diving In

Lost
Can you come find me
Do you see the real me
Confused
You were once mine
You are again
But for how long
Is the longing deep inside
Something that is only tied
To who we used to be
Or is it insanity
You and me
So different, yet so much the same
Your touch
Your eyes on my body
Your heart singing its sweet love songs
I thought I'd buried the love we once shared
but now my heart is throbbing, aching...I'm scared
How do I protect myself
The pain is inevitable
Yet I choose to risk
The pull undeniable
Will I end up in the place I began...so many years ago
How will I know
Please don't let me go
Just sit...stay a while, hang your hat
You owe me that
Let me in
breathe in my scent
Become my deepest sin
Together we'll repent
After we're completely spent
So don't hide your eyes, take each step fully aware
Hold my hand, and I promise I'll take you there!

Seasons Change...

Winter
It has been so cold
Dreary
Grey
Causing all signs of life to freeze
I watched as all fruitfulness was slowly stripped away as the never ending storms blew through; reminding me of the chaos and conflict that once ruled my heart
This winter has been extremely harsh
Aggressive
Relentless
Causing much damage to the earth's core
The wreckage left behind many stranded and wounded; reminding me of the pain I've endured and since overcome, in order to survive

Isolation
Hiding
Protection
Provision
All pressing themes that belong to Winter's Bones

Seasons Change, they say
There's a time and a Season for everything, they say
Seasons are a time of transition, they say

As one Season dies and another begins, there is a peace that meanders through the air
A surrender that sings of the victory found in the ultimate release
No longer struggling
In the essence of loss comes a freedom
By letting go are we giving up, or giving in
The promise land still seems beyond reach
But as the new Season triumphs, I too can no longer fight
My will is gone

Alas, the rain begins to wash away winter's stain...bringing a fragrance so fresh and new
Wonder begins to dance upon the wind denying the harsh chill we previously avoided
The brisk night begins to resound with the shuffling of leaves
The songs of the crickets invite all to desert their hiding place
Life has begun
All is not lost after all
It's a time of re-birth
I shall join in.

It's been a while...but I'm back!

Here we are, April 16, 2013.  I haven't blogged in a very long time.  I miss writing and also reading all of my favorite blogs...so I've decided it's time to return.  So much has transpired in my life since I last blogged.  To catch you all up, here are some facts.

* Reconciled with my partner in October 2011
* Started new job in May 2012
* Relocated with new job to Chicago, IL in October 2012
* Now live in the woods, on an acre of land with a creek in the backyard
* Made it through my very first winter (true seasons in IL)
* Spring has arrived and it's amazing
* Continued issues with my "health journey"
* Twins turn 7 in 2 months (CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!)
* Taking it one day at a time - and SO grateful!

Ok, now that we're all caught up.  I've always used my blog as a way to write, process my feelings, share, learn, etc...and I will continue this process.  It is very life producing for me.  Right now I am processing a lot about love.  Passionate love, lifetime love, love of family; both blood and chosen.  We have so many different types of relationships in our lives.  I am reflecting a lot upon love chosen, love built over time and the contrast between complete unconditional love; that no matter what happens, your love never fades for someone.  Let me explain...love built over time is an experience that is founded upon history, memories, foundational experiences together, choice, someone who has been through life's ups and downs with you, and you with them.  It does not mean the love that has "grown" over time has become conditional...the difference for me is that one is grown and one is immediately present and cannot ever be diminished.

Unconditional love that is immediately present whenever you speak to the person, see them, connect with them, etc...was formed with a bond so deep that it took root immediately.  This "garden" does not take years of planting, watering, growing, etc...it produces immediate results.  We are a society that enjoys immediate gratification, thus; one is long term (delayed gratification) and one is immediate.  We receive such a sense of satisfaction from the immediate response in our emotional beings and we are a society that chooses to act based on how we feel.  However, the delayed gratification - love grown over time - is it deeper?  Are the roots planted more firmly?  Will it last longer? 

I recently watched a movie with Meryl Streep (an old one) called "One True Thing."  In this movie the husband and wife have this beautiful loving relationship.  Later you discover that the husband has always had affairs on the side, and the wife has always known.  You see their "CHOICE" to continue to love one another, to be present in what they offer to each other in their every day life.  You don't see any aspect of what they mean to one another diminished.  You see how much they both truly love and cherish the relationship they have with each other.  It caused me to pause.  I believe love is a choice...each day we make choices that either bring us closer to our spouse, or further away.  I also believe sometimes there is a bond of love that is so strong, that it exists no matter what we may try to do to dissolve it.  This love provokes a reaction.  It causes us, propels us, to act out of this love....rather than choosing to act (even when we don't feel like it) because we choose to love our spouse.  In these times we act out of love, from a place of commitment to our spouse, rather than act because we can't help it...out of this love. 

So, question for all of you out there: 
Could you stay present in the love and life you have with someone, knowing that they are at times stepping outside of your relationship to get other needs met?  Could you truly rest secure in the love and life you share with someone, and remain present in the every day experience that YOU have with that person...regardless of what they may share with another outside of the relationship?

In health and wellness we all understand that one person CANNOT be EVERYTHING to another...we must have resources and practice self care to get ALL of our needs met to be healthy...and this cannot come from just one person.  So, for you...can this practice also apply to intimacy?  What are your thoughts???????

The Power of Choice

It has been so long since I’ve opened the door to possibility


Constantly running from the fear and ever present insecurity

Settling into complacency, no need for introspection

The journey of desire has only resolved into rejection

Suffering in silence while barely surviving

Getting by and pressing through, not living…not thriving

Telling myself I’ve accomplished much and should be settled in my truth

While choking every chance for change, killing the dreams of my youth

How did this become the very essence of my being?

To not want, to not desire…it’s safer, but not freeing.

I feel strained, chained; held captive in this cycle I create

Blaming everyone else for the condition of my fate

So this new trajectory before me

Will I allow myself to just be?

In the midst of the yearning

Desire burning

Possibilities churning

Will I finally allow this process to be one of learning?

I will shed the armor I’ve worn, risking and taking the chance

To live my desired life

To stop existing by happenstance

Restless, Irritated and Discontent

So last night I went and saw the movie Hope Springs. For some reason I didn't really want to see it and I think that was my inner self telling me "NO, don't go!" But, my partner wanted to see it and I now live in a manner that compromises and plus, I really do love Meryl Streep.  Well needless to say, I got up and left in the middle for a break. I came back, but something in me was very unsettled. The movie was fine, funny, etc...but when we got home, all of a sudden I was irritated and reactive. My partner did one little thing and boy I tore it apart, asked what she REALLY meant, and the tailspin began. It was long, messy, angry and painful...but I finally got to the core of what was going on so deep inside me. FEAR! I don't ever want to feel the pain of betrayal or hurt within my marriage ever again.  I also don't ever want to live in a "loveless" marriage like some couples I know. Is it so wrong to actually want the REAL DEAL! So many people accept a standard that is so much lower than the love and affection they truly deserve. Possibly this is the journey I am traveling; one of self love, self respect and thus I believe that I deserve to have my needs met and I will fight for it; always. I know there were times in my marriage (years ago) where we drifted apart. This happens in all marriages over time. The key I believe is what you do during that time. What are you willing to do in order to tend to your marriage? Too many times I see couples get caught up in their fear of being rejected, so they won't risk even to tell their partner they miss them or need them. I do not ever want to reach this place again. So, what I've learned for today is to tell on myself.  Tell my partner that it was all my fear, and own it. Tell her that I'm scared and don't ever want to get hurt again so deeply. Tell her that I love her more and more each day and so naturally my fear is surfacing because I am becoming more and more vulnerable. Tell her that I long for these dreams that are becoming realities in our life, but that fear seems to creep up because I'm afraid to lose it...to lose her. 
So, I told her.
She totally understood and was gracious and loving and I am so grateful.
I think that's the choice I will have to continue to make to ensure we do not have a loveless, dead, lonely marriage. The more I reveal myself to her, in honesty and transparency, admitting my faults, limits, struggles, challenges, etc...the more we connect and can love each other through it. Amazing!

The music never stopped

As the night air turned crisp and the sun began it's descent, I was quieted by the memory of you
Sitting across from me in the backyard as the dawn snuck upon us, beckoning our bodies to rest
Our souls full, our hearts pounding
That is the night the music began
Through the years we became deaf to the calling, allowing the music to fade and drift away as the begging, the pleading grew silent
We would no longer allow the soothing tune to overpower our wills as we bathed ourselves in pride, taking comfort in the struggle, suffocating the sweet song that once led us home
And even as we drew our swords, casting our pain and despair upon the other in utter desperation
The music never stopped
It whispered in our hearts, it told of a love that defies all possibility, it spoke of a place where once again our souls would find their resting place
And in the silence, as a soft breath escapes my mouth, I can hear the sweet call..the tender sound
Calming my inner self, I open my heart and intently listen; arming myself against fear's innate penetration
And as I allow the music to envelop my being, I begin to bask in the overwhelming feeling of joy
And as truth washes over me I realize I have once again found my way home