2moms2babies

2011-09-13T16:15:00.000-07:00

WOW...it's been a VERY long time since I've posted on my blog. Today is a new day. Lots has happened & rather than drudge up the past, I'm just going to stay focused on the present and the future. The kids are 5 and they started Kindergarten. They love it. They are SO big now. I'm so proud of them. They are both doing SO well. I'm in the process of rebuilding...from the ruins...and I am starting with very foundational matters. It's difficult...to rebuild after loss, damage and destruction...but not impossible. With God's help, my life will become all that it is meant to become and it will be better than I could ever imagine. I am learning a lot...about myself, my past behaviors, my patterns and the kind of person I want to be. Change is in order as things did NOT work previously. I am finally realizing the illness is within my mind, so it's time to change my thinking. I am building new support systems and I'm very grateful for my family; both chosen and blood related. My close friends who I can be totally honest and real with...well, they mean more to me than they could ever know. And then there's my amazing fiance Missy. She is the most non judgmental, patient, kind, understanding person I've ever met. Most times I feel unworthy of her love and devotion...but that's about me and my perceptions and I need to stop beating myself up. I've spent way too long trying to prove I'm important...trying to gain acceptance...trying to please others....so that maybe then, just maybe...I'll be good enough. Well, no more of that...it doesn't work. I need to find the place inside that believes I am good enough and that I don't have to prove it to anyone. I'm walking that journey now.

I'm so grateful and I hope I remember each day all the many blessings in my life. What are you grateful for?

2011-04-22T03:49:00.000-07:00

Easter
Spring
New Life
This is a day we celebrate...in my family, within my faith, and always with my children. We've built certain traditions. We make Easter Baskets and give them to them Easter morning, we hide eggs and they love to "hunt" for them around the house, and we talk about how Jesus is ALIVE and what that means to us. It's a very big day - second to Christmas for us.
But this year, I won't see my kids on Easter.
Since we're still in the "thick" of it all, and we don't YET have anything stipulated from the judge on how we'll handle holidays - since it's her custodial weekend, she has said NO! - All of my requests - whatever time of day, trying to work out any arrangement that would work for her, etc....NO! if she has the opportunity to exercise some form of control over me; she WILL use it.
It's sad.
Little T and I always went shopping together to pick out her new dress....they look forward to the traditions - many that involved me or were initiated by me.
But this year, there will be silence where there should be laughter.
Absence rather than togetherness.
On the day we celebrate the Resurrection Life - I pray that it somehow spills over to my children.
Lord, keep your hand firmly, gently - but always upon them!
And God...I need some help....I am feeling discouraged....I will pray...but please, help me....help them., my little ones who deserve so much more.....and please if possible Help HER to see the error in her ways and to want to do what's best for the children. ~ Amen

People Disappoint Us...

2011-04-01T01:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people disappoint us. They turn out to respond in ways we don't expect; especially in times of great need or illness. Recently I've heard from my sister in law (to be) about certain friends that just haven't come around...during a time when she's been dealing with some major health concerns that have yet to be fully diagnosed. Over the last 10 months, I've lost a ton of people who I thought were close friends, because they didn't agree with some of the choices I made in my life. Now, Missy is losing one of her closest friends - in one of her greatest times of need and yet also in a time when she is actually doing better than she's been doing in a really long time. You know, I think this friend was used to the previous dynamic - it was familiar & comfortable. Previous dynamic: Missy was not healthy, struggling with lots of issues and abusive relationships, etc.. and really needed her. Current situation: Missy is really healthy, doing really well (the best she's been ever - according to her family, doctors, friends, etc...) and yet her closest friend - who was the one constantly giving her advice on how to "become" this person that she is actually now becoming - within her own perception and through her own filter, has basically ended the friendship with Missy because she feels Missy is not, and has not, been the kind of friend she thinks she should be to her. All of this mind you, within a time when Missy was taking care of her sister, her family members, then me, our kids, etc....all in a time when you expect your closest friends to "rally" around you and hold you up and offer support, no matter what - when you expect the grace to be present when there aren't phone calls, or when any and all free time found is spent sleeping or trying to connect with your partner, or taking care of your kids and being present to them.....all of these things.....this friend totally understands and has gone through herself actually.....almost a year ago - she and her partner isolated big time from people and yet, people kept reaching out and they just "didn't have it" - and even during that time, Missy kept reaching out just saying "I'm here for you. I love you. I miss you".....but I guess I am really disappointed because I expect (as is the case with ALL of our other close friends) that when you are close friends/like family - you understand these times and you have grace and you embrace one another when the time comes and you move forward. Unfortunately, this friend projected all of her dissatisfaction with Missy, the lack of friend she has been (according to her) projected a lot of her own stuff, and also then said she was concerned about me and began saying very hurtful things about Missy and I and our relationship and dynamic (all which were not true and her own reality)....and then, ended the friendship! Sometimes people disappoint us. But it still hurts....and I expected more. This person is a therapist for goodness sakes. I am working on my expectations of people....but in this case, I don't think they were unrealistic. I think that if something happened to Missy tomorrow (God Forbid) I wonder if this friend would think "was it all worth it?" "did those things really matter" "was I really there for her" or possibly she might think, "why did I make it all about myself?" These moments make you realize what really matters.......it brings you back to the perspective and position that is so very important in life; living a life of gratitude and grace.....and we'll continue living in it....we'll grieve...we'll feel the sadness (especially Missy)...and we'll hope that repair and recovery can happen one day; when the time is right. For now - the way it came about was not ideal, but Missy was feeling a break was needed. So, Break: We will embrace you. Please be gentle.

Evolution / Transformation / A desire for change (Oh and it's all about Missy, not me, LOL)

2011-03-27T14:59:00.000-07:00

This is my love: Missy. She has naturally curly hair - very thick and very curly. She has been wearing it short and also regularly uses a straightening iron. Yesterday, she did her hair all shaggy and curly and talked to me about this desire that has come up within her: to grow out her hair. (OMG, I'm screaming on the inside..wait, sorry, this is NOT about me) So, she says...I was looking at some pictures the other day of when I had long hair (mind you, I've seen some of these pics on her FB from way back when and thought, oh wow...I LOVE her longer, curly hair..........hehehe) anyhow, I digress......so, she said "I was looking at this picture and I said I think I want to grow out my hair again." and she asked me - what do you think babe? I said what I would normally say as a very supportive and accepting person "Babe, I think you should do whatever you desire to do....hair for me is an expression...it's an art, really, (I love hair) and there are times when I feel the desire to have long hair and times when I want it really, really short....you are going through a journey of integration (as we call it) so, bottom line: I think if you want to grow it out - grow it out. Then after she takes all that in and says: But would you like it.....I said "UM....BABE, I've never told you that I've seen those other pics of you with long hair and had moments where my breath was taken away...so let's just say that's a YES! A BIG YES!" LOL..... So as she grows it out, it will become more and more curly - shaggy - etc.....and it is beautiful. The picture above was her - yesterday.....doing her hair naturally - all the curls, just letting them be......no straightening iron, no manipulation - just beautiful, free curls. BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! Below is also a fav. pic of mine....and will show you how she's been wearing it......which is also very cute! But I think as we evolve as people, things about the ways we express ourselves outwardly also evolve and change. So, I'm excited to see the transformation of my beautiful woman as her dark luxurious curls begin to grow out. ;-) Will keep you all posted and chronicle the journey - because I know you are completely and totally on the edge of your seats about this issue...I know, I know....it's ok....I'll keep you informed. lol

Pondering

2011-03-27T14:41:00.001-07:00

Lots of pondering happening today. It is quiet, which finally provides the space wherein I will allow myself to go internal, feel, think & reflect. My love is on a peaceful sabbatical for a few days and it is NOT our weekend with the kiddos. We are both "filling our tanks" in ways that we need - which is to spend a little time alone, time with God, time with our inner selves, time to write, create, sleep, etc...whatever it is that we have need of this day - in each moment, we have the freedom to JUST......and to ONLY.....take care of our own needs. Many couples do not do this for themselves, or for one another....this is our first time and I think something that we've both realized is good for us both and we need to be intentional about building it in as needed. The last few weeks have been HELL to say the least and my love has been carrying about 99.9% of the load. Not only was she dealing with issues within her own family (her sister and some health issues/scares) but then I had an outpatient surgery that was supposed to be 10 minutes, easy-peasy, home and back to work the next day - and then as soon as I got home began having major complications - ended up back at the ER, admitted, had to have another more serious surgery to deal with the complications and was in the hospital for 4 days....then home to recover - AND it's our 5 custodial days with our twin kiddos. Ok - need I say more. She has been taking care of me, of them, of our family and our home, or her family, her sister, ......and the list goes on......and so now, this weekend - her only task is to TAKE CARE OF HER - in whatever way that manifests itself.....she has promised to take care of herself. So, in my time alone (which btw, just started at 8:00pm last night) I have had some very amazing interactions with some people I didn't expect where I believe they were absolutely meant to happen. I'm not ready to blog about it all yet....but I still am SOOOOOO amazed at times that when we feel a desire to "take a walk" and then on that walk we run into someone, strike up a conversation and that conversation turns into a life changing moment for that person.........those types of moments......I had a few of them last night.............and I'm still amazed! So, there's lots of pondering going on for me today. I am going to catch up on my blogs (gosh I miss all of you...and what the heck is going on over there with KJ and the kids, I don't even KNOW what child has wrecked what kind of havoc within what part of the house for gosh sakes!! and that is JUST WRONG) I am going to do some writing. I am going to do some reading. I would bet you I'll do some napping....during the 2 listed above, and prob. not intentional. lol I am going to watch some tv and veggg out. I am going to "Just Be" - and enjoy the silence, knowing my family is all taken care of.....and maybe if I feel up to it, call my dad and ask him out on a date later tonight. ;-) Hey, there's a $3.00 movie theatre up the street...so watch out!! So - back to ponder away - just wanted to "touch base" with all of you in some way. May you all have a great day and may you find space to just be today. (breathe in....and now out....aaawwwwww)

REAL LOVE - What? What is that? It sounds vaguely familiar...hmmmm

2011-03-23T23:22:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to truly know what REAL LOVE is like....to experience it in your day to day life.
Real love brings along with it ALL these OTHER things you didn't necessarily plan for, or sign up for, well honestly...that's cuz you didn't know how badly you needed them. Here are just a few examples: (Don't worry, I'll ease you in slowly)

* Unconditional Love
I mean, who knew that you could actually be loved without expectations on the other side in order to somehow "earn" said love, or to prove that you are somehow "worthy" of said love, right? Who knew? And that it could truly be freely given; without internal resentment harbouring ...just waiting for the right moment to let out all the "conditions" that truly were present when the "presentation" was that it was unconditional...crazy, right?

*Loving Kindness
I mean again...who knew you didn't have to play the "bartering" game and create some sort of deal system in order to receive some sort of love or kindness in a real time of need - You know the kind....you take care of the kids while I'm throwing up every 30 minutes for 12 hours straight and then of course once I'm better, you can have a weekend away. I mean didn't you always have to make some sort of trade that really benefited the other person in order to receive any kind of love or kindness... c'mon,.....it's not just me here....right?

*Truly wanting the other's best interest - I mean truly, like over your own.

WOW! Really? Who knew this was even a remote possibility within a relationship - I mean really??? Where have I been...doesn't everyone put their own needs above everyone else's; especially those they are in a relationship with, even to the emotional detriment of the other? I mean how does this foreign concept even work? I think I need some continued major demonstration on this one...for real!

Ok...so those are just a few...I didn't want to bombard you with all this new conceptual thinking about REAL LOVE and how that manifests itself...it's a huge deal dude, and I think I am really trying to take it all in.

To Be Continued........

Enough is Enough - I AM DONE.

2011-03-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

The tale you tell, so confidently and just You tell this story as if you even know us You haven't had a conversation with me in almost a year And yet you have all these rules you feel I should adhere to IF I were pure in my motives IF I were repentant in my heart IF I desired to "make things right" and yet your spirit just seems to have this desire to fight. Nothing you say comes from a spirit of reconciliation but actually coated in division and a desire for humiliation Your motives are in question, by way more than just me I pray you put your own agenda aside, for the sake of the ministry.

March 15th - A New Day

2011-03-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

so long ago
there was such damage done
the destruction leftover causes such discomfort
it left me wounded
beyond recognizable
and the daily reminders are too much these days
so tomorrow will come
and I'll enter that hospital and allow the wounds to be bound
and I'll forever be different, forever be changed
but the question is, can I leave the damage and destruction there...
on that table...
as I allow them to cut me and slice me...
can I imagine they are cutting the pain right out of my core?
can I leave it there?
I want to...
But I'm not sure that's enough.

The Journey - discovering the new me, the real me...that was buried deep inside

2011-02-18T01:19:00.000-08:00

Me - January 31st

Me...now - 138 pound down!!

Me before...I'm the one in the middle, pretty close to my heaviest = 323 pounds.

The Journey - it's never ending and we're always in the process of "becoming." Some people opt out of this journey...they are completely content in just staying who they are...forever. I don't get that, because it's so foreign to me. I love to read, grow, gain a new perspective, be stretched, challenged, gather more information and as a result = BECOME..become a better human, a better person, a better partner, parent, friend, sister, lover, etc...

I don't know how to live any other way. I think it began in my early teens - but it was a way of survival. I have a huge tattoo across my back that says SURVIVOR. I got this tattoo when I was the victim of a violent hate crime in the year 2000. What I've realized over the last year is that surviving really, is "just getting by." That is NOT who I am anymore.....I THRIVE now....and I am so grateful for the journey that has brought me thus far.

As many of you know, I've been on a journey since August 2009 to find balance and moderation in ALL areas of my life. The biggest one at the time was my health and weight. At that time, I weighed 323 pounds. Yes, I know...shocking to some...people really don't believe I weighed that much, but I am 5'9" and I carried it well. (See before pictures above)

So, today, a year and a half later, I weigh 185. AMAZING TO ME! That is an entire person that I have lost (138 pounds)....Missy weighs less than that!! LOL (she is only 5'3" remember)

So, as I reflected today I realized that I have actually crossed over...I have found the balance and the moderation I was seeking with regard to my health and my eating. I am very grateful.

This journey has been hard, challenging, stretching but ultimately...AMAZING! I am still in awe of the weight lost and sometimes, deep inside, I still feel like that 323 pound gal....but I'm working on that too....all part of the journey!

Bartimaeus - A Great Example

2011-02-13T00:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was reading about Bartimaeus, in the bible. We meet him as a blind man sitting on the side of the road begging in Jericho. He was desperate. Not only was he desperate but he had gathered enough information and heard enough about the true identity of Jesus that when Jesus walked by - unashamed Bartimaeus shouted out to Him when the opportunity arose, addressing Him as Son of David. In that day this was a clear confession that Jesus was the promised Messiah.

Many in the crowd tried to shush Bartimaeus. But instead the suffering man, no doubt swallowing his own pride, shouted all the more. Jesus stopped in His tracks and instructed the crowd to bring the blind man to Him. Jesus granted Bartimaeus healing in response to his faith.

Sadly, the crowd lacked Jesus' compassion. I think of all the "crowds" we encounter that lack the compassion of Jesus...especially those "crowds" that are doing things and proclaiming they are doing them in the name of Jesus.

I think about our "old" crowds - for some of us that have come along way on our journey...

I think about the "crowd" of old church groups that were (and still are) uncomfortable with honest, desperate people who cry out for help...like Bartimaeus did.

What I love about Bartimaeus is that he IGNORED THE CROWD, AND SOUGHT OUT THE CHRIST!

Hmmmm....what an example....sometimes I get pulled into what the "crowd" thinks...how they might respond, what they would think if they only knew xyz...but you know, the more the crowd tried to hush Bartimaeus, the louder his cries became.

I want to cry out - unashamed, without abandon....and I want to ignore the crowd, even when I make "them" uncomfortable. I want to be like Bartimaeus.

GOD IS!!

2011-02-12T23:42:00.000-08:00

Loss - it's a very difficult part of life, but a part of the journey that always seems to deepen our character, if we allow it to.

We will all face it in some way. Some of us have faced A LOT of it...some of us not as much. But I believe that grieving and walking through loss is essential to healing.

Today, I attended a funeral for a man that touched many, many lives. I did not know him, but through Missy and her family, I knew of his fun loving, dedicated heart; towards God, his family, sports and cars. Today, as we attended this funeral, many feelings came up - for both Missy and me. When you're gay, most often there is a lot of loss that occurs - whether it's friends who don't accept you, family members who reject you, churches who say God doesn't love you, mentors who no longer invest in you, pastors who try and "fix" you, ministries that try and "heal" you - and Missy and I both experienced all of the above in some form or fashion within the last decade as we sought out God's heart about our true selves and what HIS opinion was on the matter.

I am grateful to be on the other side. To be in a place where I have reconciled all issues related to my faith and being gay. I know many who have chosen one or the other...and don't believe they can be their true, authentic selves.

I don't debate theology with people - I simply live my life through the grace and goodness that God gives me each day. I believe and KNOW that He loves me, and that settles the issue for me. I've read all the scriptures, I've done all the research, I've read all the books and the different positions on the issue - from a fundamental Christian perspective. But then.....I went to God - directly. I availed myself to HIM - completely and fully and asked Him that IF it be HIS will to change me, heal me, deliver me, etc....than please, may HIS will be done in my life. He did not choose to do any of the above...and believe me, I spent many years asking Him to....instead, He encouraged me to seek out His character...to stop focusing on WHO I am loving....and to focus instead on HOW I am loving...others, my neighbor, my enemies, my partner, my friends, my family, the unlovable. As I began to seek out God - as a gay person, HE SHOWED UP BIG TIME in my life. That again, settled the issue for me.

Gay people at times find out that I am a Christian and think "eeewww, I don't want any part of that" and I don't blame them. In the name of my Jesus - hatred has been spewed in their faces.

Christians find out that I'm gay and they think "she can't really be a Christian and really be walking with God and have a personal relationship with Jesus - not living in that sin, in that lifestyle; being gay."

What I know to be true is this: I am a Christian. I love God with all that I am. I am gay. I love Missy with my whole being. God is the center of our relationship and it's evident to all who get to know us and actually "enter in" to our community. Our children love God and they know that we love God and that it's important that we love others - all people.

Someone at the funeral today said: GOD IS.....in the midst of whatever you're going through, whatever you're facing, etc....GOD IS!!!

Even with this whole gay/God issue - that brings so much heartache to some and loss that is so hard to greive...GOD IS....

And you know....I think that's enough!

Are YOU the one? Are YOU? Are YOU?

2011-02-09T22:45:00.000-08:00

Tonight as Missy and I were talking about past relationships, we discussed those coming out relationships - when you're first realizing you're gay, then the next ones and the ones where you swear within the first 10 minutes that you'll be together forever and have x many babies...you know, typical lesbian style...and as we're talking and she's telling me of these different women that were interested in her, and how scared she was and so forth, so she didn't respond to their pursuits, I asked her if she had regrets? Does she wish she had more experience...was out there living it up, etc...and she said "Babe, all I've ever wanted was a quiet little life with a wife and a family. I didn't even want to go to the bars, but I thought I had to...I thought it was the only place you could meet women. I didn't know...all my friends were coupled and I tried at church and they were all coupled too, or they were "that kind of lesbian" (sorry no offense intended)...but the more older lesbian who would have loved to have a 20 something new seeker to "tend to." And then she told me of this one girl she dated who when they broke up said "we weren't really dating anyway" (she thinks that is because they didn't have sex) but at the same time this girl is telling her "I'm gonna clean up my life for you, I'm gonna cut back on drinking and smoking and partying and you're the one...etc..." oh, but they weren't really dating. Anyhow, so she tells me about this other women who also said things like "You're the one, we're gonna be together and have babies, etc..." and she said to me "Why did all these women tell me that I was the one and they were gonna change their lives and I was all that they ever wanted?" MY reply: "Because YOU ARE....and those women most likely meant it and felt that you were what they really wanted deep inside, the problem was THEY couldn't get THEMSELVES to where THEY needed to be to actually have you!!!!!!!!!! And thank God, cuz I am reaping ALL of the benefits of that one!! ;-)
Anyhow, many of us as gay people, trying to find ourselves do tell each girlfriend we have "Oh, you are the one, it'll be me and you forever" and the reality is that until we're old enough to know what it really takes to "BE" The One for someone else - and what that really means, how the hell can we claim and expect someone else to "BE" The One for us!
Recently, obviously as many of you know, I've been going through a horrible divorce. I really, truly, with all of my fiber and being thought my ex was "the one." She was the closest out of the other women I had dated to "being" the one (or so I thought). I am not going to slander her because she is the mother of my children, but I was lied to, betrayed....from the beginning really, with who she presented herself to be. I was also lied to and betrayed by her in the relationship. I think as gay people, we have enough heart ache and pain to deal with = wouldn't it be nice if we could all present our true selves to one another so that we could actually finally, truly find "the one" - if that is what you are seeking for your life?
I'm glad God actually brought her to me as a gift - I know beyond a shadow of any doubt, that Missy is "my lobster" - looking back, and with everything I've gone through, I could never say that about any of my ex girlfriends with certainty....did I say it....of course I did...and I believed it - at the time...but boy maturity, growth, realizing who YOU really are and what matters to YOU - what you can compromise on and what you can't, realizing that you can be picky and selective in the gay dating world....for so many of us back in the day we dated someone because they liked us.....I've asked so many friends "So why did you start dating her in the first place" and the answer was she liked me, asked me out.....I always respond with "Well, what about her interested you, why did you want to date her" - many times the response is "Oh, I didn't think about that...." and obviously after going out a few times they realized they had nothing in common and weren't even attracted to one another in the first place.
This leads me to think that if it were acceptable, socially for gay kids/teens/etc...to go through ALL of the natural things during puberty and during those years when you're bringing boys home, etc...going to prom, going to the movies, bringing someone home to meet the parents, etc...the stuff our straight siblings did during those years....we would have been able to go through all of that at the appropriate developmental stage in our lives.....vs being in our 20s, finally realizing we're gay, going out with people we don't even find attractive just because they like us, etc...I mean it just sounds junior high....and that's the point: we should have been able to do ALL of that while IN junior high....but for many of us we couldn't, or we hid it, or we felt it was dirty or shameful or wrong, or we led two lives, etc...or we just didn't know what was different about us and we dated boys and had really good "buddies" (as Missy and I fondly call the guys she dated during her high school and college years). It's interesting to think of what the world would be like if being gay was just like having different color hair - to everyone...in the entire world....how we would have been able to go through the stages of life when they were actually intended to happen. Interesting thought, huh.....
I'm just grateful that God intervened for Missy and I both - and brought us both back together. I am beyond blessed and my heart is forever hers! FOR SURE! No, really....honestly, I KNOW IT! LOL ;-)

Interruptions = Actual Invitations & Forgiveness - one of the hardest things to "step into"

2011-02-07T01:17:00.000-08:00

I love to read. I am a constant student. I love to learn and grow and be challenged, and I especially love to read about other people's stories. So, it's quite typical that I have 4-5 books on my nightstand and I am constantly reading in each one, depending on my mood.

Part One:

Tonight, I picked up "Reaching Out" - The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life - by one of my favorite authors, Henry J.M. Nouwen. He breaks it down to these 3 movements:

1) Reaching out to our innermost self
2) Reaching out to our fellow human
3) Reaching our to our God

There was a part of the book under "Molding Interruptions" that really resonated with me tonight. He said " Don't we look at many events of our lives as big or small interruptions, interrupting many of plans, projects and life's schemes? Don't we feel an inner protest when a student interrupts our reading, bad weather our summer, illness our well-scheduled plans, the death of a dear friend our peaceful state of mind, a cruel war our ideas about goodness of man, and the many harsh realities of life our good dreams about it? And doesn't this unending row of interruptions build in our hearts feelings of anger, frustration and even revenge, so much so that at times we see the real possibility that growing old can become synonymous with growing bitter.

BUT, what if our interruptions are in fact our opportunities, if they are challenges to an inner response by which growth takes place and through which we come to the FULLNESS OF BEING? ...What if all the unexpected interruptions are in fact the invitations to give up old-fashioned and out-moded styles of living and are opening up new unexplored areas of experience?"

Interesting huh....a different perspective....I really like how Henry sees all the opportunities to better one self and within his books challenges us all to do the same!!

Part Two:

I also read through recovery type books quite often to remind me of the position I need to maintain in life. For me that is one of surrender, gratitude, letting go, taking it one day at a time, taking internal inventory to own what is mine and trying to keep my side of the street clean!

So I happen to turn to a certain page tonight that was speaking about forgiveness. It talked about how people can become addicted to their bitterness. Boy do I know some people like that...it's so familiar and it's all they know and so they choose, time and time again - to become and remain bitter.

The book says "A life characterized by bitterness, resentment, and anger will kill us emotionally and shrivel our souls. Such a life will most likely produce depression, despair and discouragement. An unforgiving heart will cause us more pain and destruction than it will EVER cause the person who has hurt us! Forgiveness BREAKS the negative cycle. It doesn't settle all the questions of blame, justice, or fairness, but it does allow relationships to heal."

Realizations:

Interruptions might just be an opportunity to experience something, and I want to become aware of this...and accept these invitations.
I certainly have a lot to work on with regard to forgiving my ex. It's a journey....one day at a time. I love how in the book it says..."it doesn't settle all the questions of blame, justice or fairness..." because I think that's where a lot of us get caught - we were wronged and we want justice...I know that's where I get stuck.

Anything resonate for you?

Transition Time - Reminding my body (& heart) that it's ok to rest. NOW is the time to recharge.

2011-02-05T02:34:00.000-08:00

My body, it's still trying to work it all out...the months leading up to the hearing were full of anxiety, worry, fear of the unknown...the fact that there was even a remote possibility that my children could be taken right from my arms...it was the most unsettled I've felt in a very long time. Sleep was inconsistent & cherished when it was hours without interruption, stress was a constant companion as the truth was constantly being distorted time after time, from the other side. And my body...I've been on this journey of health now for over a year but my poor body has been trying to work all of this out and it's not really sure how to transition...

So here I am, post hearing...awake and it's 2:30am.....I slept earlier when I finally sat down after the kids went to bed...couldn't keep my eyes open actually and fell asleep while watching a movie for an hour or so. There is something quiet and still about the middle of the night - when most of the people around us have all stopped to rest and replenish themselves.

I don't sit and ponder all the what if's that used to captivate me in my head. I do have great peace and comfort knowing that God is in control, always has been, and still is...He showed me that BIG TIME this past Monday. I know the truth and I will continue to stand firmly within it, knowing that in always making the choice to honor the lessons and the journey, I will come through this a better person than before I began.

However, my body....my little body....is still trying to work things out...so I leave the following message for you Body....take this in, and receive.

Body: It's ok to rest now....it's ok to let go....you are safe....and your beautiful children are sleeping just beyond the other side of the wall. It's ok to recover...it's ok to repair...it's time to allow yourself (dear body) the opportunity...or rather, give yourself permission to not stand guard over this threat you felt so deeply coming against you and your family...you can stand down now. It's ok to let it all out...it's ok to feel it all. It's ok to NOT be ok. So go....rest.....allow yourself to be wrapped up in all the love and support that so many people are surrounding you with each and every day. You are safe. You are loved and you are protected.

This has been one of the hardest journeys of my life...yet I am present. I will continue to take it one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time...and receive that which God has for me and also learn and grow as I face each new challenge.

Body: You can lie down now and be renewed.

Now is the time.

It is ok.

The First Thursday & our cultural celebration of the Chinese New Year to include home made masks

2011-02-04T01:46:00.000-08:00

Tonight as Missy and I were talking, we realized......this is the FIRST Thursday in almost a year that I've been with my children. When our initial custody arrangement was made, my ex and I did not know what we were doing....but we fumbled through. I had a commitment on Thursday nights and so we agreed that until that changed, she would have Thursdays. In June 2010, my commitment ended on Thursday evenings. I requested that my ex keep to her word and return Thursdays to me. She refused. Of course she states we made no such agreement in the first place....yada, yada, yada.

Anyhow, with our new custody arrangement, as of this past Monday - ordered by the judge, I will always have the kids on Weds and Thurs, EVERY WEEK....so tonight after I had snuggled with Little T and the kids were sound asleep and Missy and I began to process things....all of a sudden we realized, it's Thursday! This is the 1st Thursday they've been here....EVER! Since the separation...and we both began to cry.

It might not mean a whole lot....but these Thursdays were always meant to be shared with me - and my ex - and she refused and withheld, and now I will ALWAYS have them on Thursdays. It's interesting how things turn out sometimes, isn't it?

So, tonight, on this 1st Thursday....they had a fantastic day with Missy after school and when I got home we hugged and loved on each other, and then C told us we needed to have a party and we must wear masks. We finally realized that he had learned about it being the Chinese New Year at school, so the kids proceeded to make us all masks that we had to wear for our "party." (Pictures proudly displayed above) So then we watched some of our favorite songs from the special features of The Sound Of Music - and everyone got their turn to pick a song (C:My favorite things, Little T:So Long Farewell, Missy: I am 16 going on 17 and Mommy picked Adlevice(totally not spelled correctly, I know)....then we read some Todd Parr stories (he's an awesome author of children's books) and we snuggled. It was time for bed and C was asleep about 2 minutes after his head hit the pillow....but Little T was having a harder time....so we asked her if she wanted to come in and join "us girls" in the big bed; to which she lovingly nodded yes.

As I cleaned out some stuff in my closet, Little T and Missy snuggled in the bed and began playing the game "I love you more than _____" I heard wonderful whispers like "I love you more than cupcakes!" "I love you more than pink" "I love you more than Popsicles" and so forth....and my heart was so full...truly my cup at that moment runneth over!

A few minutes later I told Little T it was time to climb back into her bed and she asked if I'd snuggle with her. Of course I did..climbing up onto the top bunk and settling in next to her...oh how I could have slept there ALL night. She wraps her arms around me tight, turns towards me, drenches me with 100's of kisses and tells me of all the love she has inside her heart just for me! And then of course, we both drift off to sleep - completely wrapped up and enveloped in one another; as close as two people can possibly be. I woke up a few minutes later and climbed down....but boy, I just have to say "Thursdays, it is SO DARN GOOD to have you back where you belong!!!!

2011-02-02T23:23:00.000-08:00

I never realized how life changing TRUE LOVE could really be (and is) and how it can bring restoration, healing, release, freedom, joy and such amazing encouragement and empowerment to the deepest parts of your soul. When I feel loved by Missy fully, and my tank is full - I feel like I can conquer the world. She is the most amazing and beautiful gift and I will spend the rest of my life showing her how very much I love and appreciate her beautiful, compassionate, giving, unconditional, loving heart.

We both say that we weren't good "pickers" on our own with regard to selecting people to date, so God intervened ON OUR BEHALF and picked for us and brought us back together - (most of you know, Missy and I go back 3 generations....our grandmas worked together, our parents hung out when we were young, Missy and I knew each other when we were young (lost touch about 17 years ago) and right in the perfect timing God knew we needed one another and it was time to begin the rest of our lives. We both had no idea what "GOOD" was really all about in an intimate, love relationship....and boy, LOVE can truly conquer all!

Requested Update - Re: Kids & Custody

2011-02-01T22:18:00.000-08:00

Hello all my friends and family who have been praying for us and sending good thoughts our way....and all of my blogger friends as well. I am sorry I have not updated you all, but I have been completely DRAINED and DEPLETED. As most of you know, leading up to this court hearing (scheduled for Monday, Jan. 31st), I was having a hard time sleeping, was struggling with constant worries and thoughts of possibly losing my kids, was dealing with anxiety and the stress was at times a bit more than I thought I could handle. SO, needless to say now....I AM SO TIRED I feel like I could sleep for days...but I can't. But a HUGE burden has been lifted, and my body, mind, soul and spirit not only have peace, but are settled and at rest. So, to provide a long awaited update on how the court proceedings went:

1) They went WAY LONGER than expected

2) I believe my attorney represented me very well (as I knew that she would) and I believe she is worth every penny I pay her (and it's A LOT of pennies!!)

3) I had many family members and friends present to support me and that meant the world to me.

4) The judge was fair and I believe, very direct and honest about what she felt was in the best interest of the children.

5) It was one of the hardest things I've had to participate in - thus far.

6) We are not done, but I am happy with the outcome of this first phase.

Final Result:

1) We have been ordered to partake in a 730 evaluation. This is a psychological evaluation that is completed by a court appointed Psychologist who will evaluate me individually, Tracy individually and then will evaluate me as I interact with the kids, and then also evaluate Tracy as she interacts with the kids. Due to the age of the kids, most likely he will not speak directly to the children. This type of evaluation is typical - especially in a "move away" case which is what our case has become since Tracy submitted her desire for full custody and to move the children to Minnesota.

2) The 730 eval will take approx. 3 months for the Doctor to complete. Once it has been completed, we will return to court for a full trial.

3) During this temporary period while the 730 evaluation is being conducted, I have been ordered to pay child support. During this temporary time they do not impute income to those who have none (as in Tracy's case) even if the person is capable of working, the judge does not impute income or look at that until trial - during this temporary period she only looks at what the current situation is right now and then orders support. SO, this is ONLY temporary until we return to trial after the 730 eval has been completed. (so approx 3 months). When we return to trial, typically the judge WILL THEN impute income to those who are not working, but who are eligible to work and the numbers (regarding the amount of money I will pay for child support going forward) will drastically decrease. So for now, for the next 3 months, I will be paying A WHOLE LOTTA MONEY! BUT, it could be worse. Believe it or not, she was asking for alimony to be paid on top of child support during this temporary period and at the end of the day, (Thank you God) we walked away without having to pay alimony during this time. When we return to trial, if that issue is revisited, of course each party will take their position on the issue.

4) The new court mandated 50/50 custody and the schedule of days are as follows:

Every Monday & Tuesday - Every week - kids are with my ex Tracy
Every Wednesday & Thursday - Every week - kids are with me & Missy
We alternate weekends

So, for example, it's my weekend this upcoming weekend which means that we will have the kids from Wed. - Monday morning (Little T does not have school Wednesday and C gets out 1/2 day) so then our Wed/Thurs will take place (like every week) and because it's my weekend, we will continue to have them through the weekend and return them as we drop them at school Monday morning.

The same goes for Tracy when it's her weekend, she'll have them Friday after school - complete her weekend and then also continue with her Monday/Tuesday. This is called a 2-2-5-5 schedule and is common and considered very consistent and stable for children, especially for a child who has autism. As the judge said "If you asked Caleb where he was going to be tomorrow, could he tell you?" With the old arrangement....I believe that he could not....geez, as most of know it was hard for us adults to keep track of who had them when. Now, he'll know that every single Monday and Tuesday he is with Mama & every single Wed and Thurs he is with Mommy, etc...

I believe this new schedule will be a good change and I am hopeful that the kids will adjust easily, and I believe they will.

Now, because there is a 5 day period where one parent will not see the children and Tracy and I both agreed that was a long time, the court appointed the idea of a dinner visit 1/2 way through the 5 day period....so the following was agreed upon. When I have them on my 5 days (Wed-Mon morning) Tracy will come over on Friday for a dinner visit from 5-7 pm. When Tracy has the kids for her 5 days, I will go for a dinner visit on Monday from 5-7 pm. This allows the kids and the other parent to have a little time during the 5 days apart from one another.

SO..........That is our current status. Again, we have the psych eval now to participate in......and of course there is a huge cost for these types of evals; which are split between both parties. Then once the psych eval is complete, we'll revisit everything when we return to trial in late May/early June.

Thank you ALL for your prayers and good thoughts. I am SO grateful for each and every one of you. Much Love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ally & Missy, C & Little T

2011-01-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

Me and Little T - at the Nutcracker this past December 2010.

(My sister in the blue shirt - me in the brown, holding my oldest nephew - this was April 2009)

For any of you who have ever attended any sort of 12-step recovery type of class, meeting, workshop, seminar or has lived with someone who has, you may have heard some of the following statements:

Easy Does it
Live Life on LIFE'S terms
One day at a time, sometimes one hour, sometimes one minute
If you're in a funk - go be of service to someone else
We will make it through this day
etc...

Well, there is a philosphy within a 12 step process (step 4) which involves "admitting" our faults to another person. It's this process of "coming clean." There are three great benefits to admiting our faults to another -

1.) Our secrets have kepts us in chains - bound, frozen, unable to move forward in any of our relationships - be it with our higher power or with others. Admitting our faults SNAPS those chains and in doing so, healing power begins to be released.

2.) When we keep silent about these "faults" - whether you call them sins, unconfessed issues of our past, demons that we fight, old ways we used to be, character defects, imperfections, etc....when we keep them silent, and hide them deep inside - we continue to give them power. In addition, the constant energy and "duty" of keeping them silent or secret has a great affect; a spiritual, mental and physical affect. I believe this to be true. Resentment, unforgiveness, bittnerness...all of these things cooped up deep inside our core being and left unresolved will eventually permeate through us and I believe they begin to seep out somehow...whether in our interactions with others that are negative as we project onto them all the "crap" that resides within us, whether we panic, whether we puke, whether we eat and keep stuffing it all down, whether we live in complete denial, or whether we become physically ill with chronic disease...our soul's inner cry is to release all of this "stuff" and if we don't - well, it can eventually eat us up - from the inside out.

3.) The third benefit is to be truly "known" and to receive support. I believe that deep within all of us is the innate desire to be truly known by another...to be validated for who we are, what we've experienced and what we have to contribute to our world. I also love this comment: "Openness is to wholeness, as secrets are to sickness" I strongly belive in being transparent, real, genuine and in the power of sharing our stories with others.

Although you (my cyber space friend) are not a real, face to face person - I am going to practice principle 4 and admit to you a character defect of mine that I am currently working on as I want to BREAK the chains that seem to still bind me up at times. So, I appreciate all of your support, grace and compassion.

Most all of you know that I have lost about 130 pounds...yet, I find that when I am sad, angry or stressed, I want to eat. Food for so long has been the one comforter I could always count on...the one friend that was always there and we had a secret love affair. Many did not know that I would hide food and eat alone, binge, etc...and then carry the shame that crept in causing me to hide all of the evidence that anything took place at all....and sometimes I think I really believed my own reality. I didn't actually just eat that...it didn't happen at all. You can't prove it.

So, when I began this journey of losing weight in August 2009, I weighed 323 pounds and was a 26/28 in women's and a 46/48 in mens. Now, because I am 5'9" I could carry it better than most so many people had no idea I actually weighed that much. But when I began the journey "to health" it was also a decision to leave behind my best friend - or more so to abandon her for a while and then when ready, redefine the dynamic between us so that we could find a mutually beneficial exchange; fuel, balance, moderation, but still enjoy pleasure, etc...During the beginning of my journey I "white knuckled" it and I had this mantra: "This is my spiritual act of worship." And whenever I really wanted to eat, or just pig out on something, or eat a food my body was no longer willing to tolerate...I would say "this is my spiritual act of worship" AND IT WAS....I wanted to be healthy, to have energy, to give my body back to God and to reclaim the health, balance and moderation that I knew my body needed. I knew it was going to take some just flat out refusal and some hard re-training at times, and believe me those days came.

So, I had to lose 10% of my body weight before surgery; which was 33 pounds. I was able to lose that by February 2010 and then because of surgeon's being booked so far in advance, my surgery was scheduledfor June 9th. And now, almost 7 months out - I can actually say that I am FREE from the bondage that once ruled my life - my love affair with food that was killing me. I ate to stuff the pain, so now I have to feel the pain. I ate in times of stress, so now I have to find other ways of managing my stress (still working on this one), I ate to fill the void...to try and take away the empty, lonely feelings....and even though there was something temporary that I did feel for eating for those reasons, it was like I had band aids all over my entire body when what I really needed to do was to stop covering up the boo-boos and learn to do true wound care so healing could happen and repair could begin.

So, I ADMIT that I used to use and abuse food and use and abuse my body - to numb the feelings that were so painful to feel.....and now I ADMIT that I feel all of those feelings....and sometimes it is so overwhelming, that I don't think I'll make it....but then I remember one of those awesome quotes as mentioned above....one day at a time, we will make it through this day!

Today, I weigh 191 and I am a size 12/14 in womens, 36 in mens - and even though I am just beginning to work on the toning and exersice side of the house....I have energy, I am a new person and I am healing every day. IT IS NOT EASY, but whoever said it would be anyhow?

That darn straw...

2011-01-22T14:40:00.000-08:00

Last night, while driving on the 91 freeway, in rush hour traffic, all of a sudden the car breaks down. The temperature gage has quickly moved itself all the way over to the red zone and smoke is coming from under the hood. Right there, in the middle of rush hour traffic, on the 91 freeway. in the fast lane. So I put on my emergency hazards, and try to start the car again to find some little but of umph to just let me get over to the side shoulder and as it starts and stops, and I have my blinker on...no one will let me over. Everyone is angry and going around me and I have so inconvenienced them that NO ONE is willing to stop for a moment to let me get the car over to the shoulder. And then... that was it. The straw...you know the one that finally breaks the camel's back.
Mediation was this week - which did not go well, but yet went as expected. Nothing has changed and everything will be decided by a judge in court on 1/31. I guess there is some tiny bit of comfort in the fact that I can predict that she will continue to lie, deceive and present her own version of reality; which couldn't be further from the truth. I can expect this. I can know that this will not change...I feel like that should give me some ounce of feeling settled knowing what I can expect from her.
But it does not.
Every time I feel betrayed. Again.
Every time I feel deceived. Again.
Every time I feel shocked that she is doing all of the things that she is doing....Again.
As I left the court house this past week I was reminded of the last time we were in court. It was the day I was adopting the twins. February 10, 2007. I remember the judge asking her questions such as you agree that this person is to FOREVER be their parent and you understand that no matter what happens with regard to the relationship between the two of you - you will both forever be their parents. I remember him asking me, you understand you are taking responsibility for these children's lives, no matter what and you will always be there and support them, etc... I took this very seriously. I take being a parent very seriously. I take my role in their life, under God, as the most important "position" in my life.
So, that straw - that finally broke the camel's back....here I lie, crying, weeping, writing, being around friends that love me, being with my love (Missy) and being with my little angel face and my bubby boy - and in my "falling apart" I find my true strength in their free, unconditional love and support. And that....that is all that really matters!!!! PERIOD!

So yes, straw .......camel's broke back...........but we'll just get up again and keep on standing in the truth and filled with the love and comfort that our community provides to us. The fight will go on....just some days are battle days, and others are recovery days. Today is a day of recovery - lots of wounds, lots of scars...but I will rise again, out of the ashes, I will rise again.

The Tree - Me, I am the Tree

2011-01-20T00:05:00.000-08:00

I wrote this poem in January 2010. I had NO idea what was coming - with regards to the fact that in a little over a month I would learn that my spouse at the time was cheating on me with a family friend, that it hadn't been the first time, that she was getting her needs met elsewhere (be them emotional or physical), that I was going to go through a horrific divorce and that my family was going to be dismantled, I would lose over 90% of my friends and basically all that I knew or thought to be true, was not - and that my foundation was very soon going to be completely uprooted. I had no idea of the betrayal and deceit and pain that I was going to experience...but I sat down to write one night, and this is what came out.

This was ONE YEAR AGO exactly.

"The Tree"

The Tree Stood
Strong and Firm
Rooted in Life's lessons and provisions

The Seasons changed
The Storms blew through
but the Tree did not waver

As the leaves fell
the Tree appeared barren and empty
as all outer signs of beauty faded away
But Inside
Rooted deeply, Her strength held firm
Her faith, solid
For as the Tree shed her outer garments
She knew that the cleansing, healing process of transformation
would once again produce the most beautiful fruit
Fruit to be taken and shared, to feed others and to bring strength & provision to them
And so She stood
Calm
In perfect peace
Allowing the cycle to strip her of all that was not producing life
Knowing that as She let it all go- the true beauty of all of life's wonder was waiting
to once again revel itself.

2011-01-17T22:32:00.000-08:00

God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. - Amen.

(This is the full, entire serenity prayer - most have only heard the first few lines. I surrender to you Jesus and ask for your arms of grace to hold my children close and for you to continue to give me wisdom in all that lies ahead over the next few weeks.

2011-01-15T04:26:00.000-08:00

Empty
my arms
Reaching, Longing, Waiting
You're gone
firearms
Available, Encouraged, Baiting
Aching
my heart
for how this country is falling apart
The vengeance and justice
People seeking it, oh the lust is
this masked stranger we've invited into our bed
Seducing us, and with each stroke of violence, we're becoming the undead
"she" said re-lock - reload
and now body bags fill the road
How will we find an end to this backwards mentality
That if you don't think like me, you are my enemy

Goldstar

2011-01-10T16:49:00.000-08:00

Many of my friends have been asking "where do you get the money to see these different theatre events, etc?" My response is GOLDSTAR BABY...cheap tickets, 1/2 price @ Goldstar, and no one lately has even heard of Goldstar. So...here you go. Check out their site. They have half-price tickets and member reviews of concerts, sporting events, theater productions, comedy shows and more. It's TOTALLY worth it.
I'm already a member! https://www.goldstar.com/join?p=F115393RB"

Friends & Family - Chosen Community

2011-01-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

We believe in community - the intentional practice of it. Someone asked me recently "what does that mean?"

Are you talking like living "commune style" and although there are many things about the old fashioned version of commune style living that I think Missy and I would both totally dig....for us, living in community means intentionally building & maintaining relationships and openly sharing your lives with others around you - in your "chosen" community. This could include family members and/or close friends. It means being real - just being - and being together with others to connect, engage, be present, laugh, love, give and receive. It means being with one another & dealing with real life stuff, as it comes up - supporting each other, showing love and kindness to one another, contributing and bringing whatever gifts/talents each has to bless the others.

We know people that truly live in community - aka Gaga's commune (my mom's house - another story for another post) we also have our friends in Iowa from "the blue house."

Living in community is very much to me like the new testament church from the bible. They got together, broke bread, shared stories, blessed one another, they all had a part - contributed, they grew, encouraged each other in their faith, etc.

What Missy and I have realized is that when we leave times of "being in community" with others - we usually feel any or all of the following: inspired, blessed, hopeful, encouraged, full and at peace.

Thank you to all of you (You know who you are) who are part of our intentional community. We love you.

Step by Step - each day brings something new

2011-01-06T00:09:00.000-08:00

So today I find out that my ex has gone behind my back and tried to make changes to my daughter's education. As of now, until our court date later this month, we have 50/50 custody and that also applies to educational rights which means that we need to both agree on decisions with regard to our children's education. And let me add the the proposed changes she wanted to make are completely in HER best interest to help accommodate her school schedule. They are NOT what is in the best interest of our daughter.

When will the deceit end? When will the manipulation stop? When will she begin to do what's best for the children? When will justice prevail? When will the righteous be rewarded? When will truth be revealed?

God?

I am trusting in you. There is a lesson here for me - a stretching of my faith...but I really need you to show up and show off on my behalf later this month when we go to court. Please...isn't it time? Please...I don't know how much more I can take...

So....again, I reach the end of myself....and again, I am on my knees. I know this is the plan...if things weren't hard, I wouldn't need you...but please God....I am ready for a little break here....a sabbatical....just a little time to breathe....new mercies every morning - may I ask for double tomorrow?

Oh and God, can you please heal my little children who came back from MN with bronchitis and who said and I quote "I missed you mommy and I'm so glad to be HOME" (little T) and C said "Missy, I cried for you. I missed you."

They know we are their family....they know this is their home. They also have mama's house - a very different experience for them though...and they know and feel it. They need a healing touch from you God - please bring them peace and let them rest all through the night.

Thank you for Missy who cares so sweetly for them and for GaGa who pours the love out freely. I am grateful and no matter what, I will maintain my peace...I will NOT let her take that away from me anymore. I will remain - present and feeling this, even though painful...I will not let her deplete my spirit. I will rise up in the strength of all the love that surrounds us - Missy, my children, our families, our friends, our fellow warriors along this journey - I will rise up and allow them all to help carry me.

We will make it through this day. One day at a time...one hour at a time...one minute at a time....but we WILL make it through!

Random: My Current Reading

2010-12-28T01:00:00.000-08:00

I should be asleep....and yet, I am not. I have to get up for work in 5 hours...yes, 5 hours....but here I am...awake. I just posted a quote that touched my heart. I read this quote on the first page of a new book I am going to read. It's titled "ME" - author: Ricky Martin. (Thank you Santa)

I am very proud of Ricky Martin for taking the journey and coming out publicly. On the back of his book he says "Writing this book allowed me to explore the different paths and experiences that have led me to be who I am today. I've had to tie up loose ends that I'd never attempted to tie up before, to work deeply into memories that were already erased from my mind. Allowing myself to do this was not easy, but once I started, an incredible spiritual healing began."

One person praising him for his book states "In the process of revealing the human being behind the artist, Ricky Martin offers us a testimony of exemplary honesty and greatness of soul. While I was reading, I remembered a verse from a Persian poet Hafez - Not even seven thousand years of joy can justify seven years of repression. - Paulo Coelho

I am excited to share in Ricky Martin's journey. I will keep you all posted, as I have a feeling it will be a book I will highly recommend.

I'm also half way through Chely Wright's Book "Like Me" - I am also very proud of her for having the courage to be the very first out Nashville country music star! Her story is amazing and very touching. I DO highly recommend this book.

The next book on the list is Portia DeGeneres' book: Unbearable Lightness (which Santa gave to Missy) We both saw Portia interviewed on Oprah and on Ellen - and it sounds like her honesty within this book is going to touch so many lives. She shares about her journey with anorexia and also about her fear of being found out - regarding the fact that she was (is) gay. She is brutally transparent and shares about the thought process that many don't dare talk about. I am proud of her too...what courage!

It's amazing for me to be able to say that these 3 authors are gay, very famous, public figures - who in sharing their own stories, will touch many lives...but also it seems, that they have all found incredible healing and freedom.

Thank you Ricky, Chely and Portia. I am so glad you found your path and have chosen to step into your truth and are finding freedom and restoration. May we all be as courageous in our daily lives. May we be transparent. May we speak of the difficult things people don't dare discuss - but that will help people to know they are NOT alone. May we reveal our true selves even when the fear of rejection knocks constantly on our door. May we risk it all - as you 3 have done, knowing that even if we lost it all - the journey of finding ourselves and standing in truth will be worth the cost.

May we all share our journey and our stories with others - and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it WILL have an impact. We are all human. We all want to be known and loved and accepted. We can all relate to feeling alone and rejected.

In that - that human experience - we are all connected.

2010-12-28T00:52:00.001-08:00

God, help me to tell the truth to the strong and to avoid telling lies to get the weak's applause. If you give me fortune, do not take away my reason. If you give me success, do not take away my humility, do not take away my dignity. God, help me to see the other side of the medal. Don't let me blame others of treason just because they don't think like me. God, teach me to love people as I love myself and to judge me as I judge others. Please, don't let me be proud if I succeed, or fall in despair if I fail. Remind me that failure is the experience that precedes triumph. Teach me that forgiving is the most important in the strong and that revenge is the most primitive sign in the weak. If you take away my success, let me keep my strength to succeed from failure. If I fail people, give me courage to apologize and if people fail me, give me courage to forgive them. God, if I forget you, please do not forget me.

- Mahatma Gandhi

These words touched my heart tonight.

2010-12-28T00:10:00.001-08:00

the house is quiet.

i thought i heard them calling for me in the other room

but they are not here

my heart

it's so full - yet void

they get plucked from my arms, from our family, over and over and over again

it leaves me empty and so broken

and the quietness, the absence - it is unsettling, for it is not what is meant to be. my family is meant to be together. my family: Me, Missy, C and T.

If I feel so broken and empty when they leave, how must they feel. Oh, their tender little hearts.

We had a wonderful Christmas - a wonderful time together, time with Missy's family and with my family - it was great....and then, we return and they are gone - this time for 10 days. They are traveling to MN to visit Mama Tracy's family. That is good for them. They love them. They will have fun.

I miss them -

greatly.

I heard this quote tonight: "In order for the light to shine bright -the darkness must be present." I believe that feeling the deepest pain, is what also allows us to feel the highest joys. But some days, i just cry - weep really, because it hurts to the core. They are a part of me - and every few days a part of me disappears.

But again...we will get through this day. One day at a time. One moment at a time if need be. I am so grateful for my love Missy - and for my sweet boy and beautiful girl.

Surprise Mommy - we played Hair Salon

2010-12-26T23:33:00.000-08:00

It was only a matter of time. We have been cutting and using tape and wrapping presents, and using scissors and so, I shouldn't really be surprised, and I guess it's kind of a right of passage...yes, you guessed it...Caleb decided to cut his hair. I first noticed it when I was taking him out of the bath...big chunks missing on top of his head. I asked him if he cut his hair and he absolutely denied doing so. You'll see in the video - also Tessa also absolutely denies knowing anything about it - but then forgets what her position was as she goes on to tell me how she cleaned up the hair and wiped up the floor for Caleb. Oh, the fun of having twins!!!! AND on Christmas Eve of all times....Fun, Fun, Fun!!

A Time For Letting It All Out...

2010-12-22T00:59:00.001-08:00

I've posted before about there being a "time for everything." Well, right now I cannot sleep and I believe I need to just "let it all out." So, I'm going to give myself permission to do just that...not sure what's going to come out....but I'm opening the door and allowing the demons that are screaming to have a voice - if only for tonight - if only for this time.

I know I am in a season, I know this too shall pass. But, you tell me that you're reflecting on the fond memories of our past holidays....how dare you!

I think of the memories past
and I get angry with you
I think of the traditions built
and I well up with grief
I think of the times I trusted in you
and my heart stings with the pain of betrayal
I think of my family, welcoming you - the first
and I get furious that you've done them wrong
And now...
You break promises
You lie to promote your selfish desires
You say hurtful things to cause pain and harm
and then you try to bond and relate in these unhealthy ways that I'm supposed to respond to?
Well no, I live in reality and I am painfully grieving and walking through all the loss that our family has endured by your destructive choices.
Don't get me wrong - I am SO grateful because I've made it through the wilderness and to the promised land. I now know what good is and what a real, loving, respectful, mutually honoring relationship is all about. But, I still grieve and there is still much pain.
When our daughter speaks of how hard it is to "go back and forth" - I grieve
When our son says he wants to live back at "195" - I grieve (and btw, he says he wants to move Missy there too because he KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS that she IS part of our family)
When our daughter says that she misses me when she's at your house - I grieve
When she doesn't want to go back to your house, and wants to stay with me, and I have to strategize to help her transition and get her into your car and at times she is still yelling for me and calling out my name - I grieve.
The pain is near the surface and the wounds are still fresh.
And your request for a "christmas truce" - for the kids' sake...well, let me tell you that all I do, and everything I do, every day - is for the kids' sake. They know NONE of the above, as it wouldn't be in their best interest. So when our daughter tells me that she went to the Nutcracker with you the weekend before she was scheduled to go with me (like her and I do every single year as our special mommy-daughter tradition) - rather than tell her what I really feel about you doing that - I say "How special, you get to go 2 times, that is so cool!!"
Or when I take them to see the lights on the special street off Bolsa Chica - and they say Mama took us already, I say how awesome...you get to see them again and isn't it cool that Mama and Mommy both know your very favorite street to look at the lights? I will ALWAYS do what's best for our kids, and that includes ALWAYS presenting you and I as a family that loves and supports them, even though we don't live together any longer. So, the truce you speak of - that you say is for the kids' sake - well, that is long overdue and honestly, I've been acting in a manner all along that doesn't require a truce - for the kids' sake....now a truce between you and I - with regard to our interactions, completely separate from our children....the day you stop lying, stop manipulating, stop trying to take my children away from me, stop using anything and everything against me, stop being so consumed with yourself and your own motives that you can actually do what is in the best interest of the kids - that is the kind of truce that is not only long overdue but actually honorable. You say you want to do this "christmas truce" in the spirit of Jesus - being Christmas and all - well, why don't you instead consider all of that when you're making the decisions you are making with your attorney with regard to what is in the best interest of our children. Why don't you consider Jesus and His heart about all of your attempts to beat me down so that I will give into your selfish, ridiculous demands and let you walk away "scott free" from this relationship, from our debt, from the decisions we made together when we were a family. You cheated, you betrayed me, you lied and deceived me, you didn't want to be married, you said you didn't love me and you used me and you want to continue using me now. You know that if you beat me down enough, eventually I will want you OUT of my life as much as possible so I will eventually give in to you. You are one of the best emotional manipulators I've ever known...except this time, I will not play the game. This time, you will be held accountable and I will not cover for you, I will not justify your actions for you, I will not be the one to carry the load like I did for 6 years. This time, it's your turn to take what is rightfully yours. It's your turn to stand up and to take responsibility. You ran from your marriage, you ran from your family, you ran from your state, you ran from yourself, you ran into Pam's destructive arms, you ran from her and pushed her away and you ran from me a long time ago. Well, no more running. This time the law will decide. I will fight for what is rightfully mine and I will not take on your burdens. It's time you learn to carry them yourself.

2010-12-21T00:03:00.001-08:00

Holidays
They bring about so many emotions...
Joy, Wonder, Excitement, Anticipation, Anxiety, Happiness, Cheer, Hope, Love, Grief, Loss...
and they also bring about opportunity for new traditions, new memories, new family togetherness, new relationships being built and times of fellowship and fun.
Change is difficult - remembering the old and grieving / mixed with the gratitude and grace that exists within the new. I wouldn't change anything...but my heart does still grieve. I never knew the goodness that was ahead, as I was in the storm - I did not have any idea that I truly was going to find my way "home."
I am truly home and I am so grateful.
Holidays
They bring about so many emotions...
However, above all, I will stand in truth - that I am loved and that love freely given to me fills my heart to overflowing so that I may in turn offer love to you.
I am blessed to be a blessing...and I hope to give away as much as I receive. We are much blessed!

2010-12-20T23:58:00.000-08:00

Special moments with Missy - Little T and Miss make homemade hot chocolate together and then sit on the kitchen floor and drink it together and chat. What a sweet tradition. I love it!

Wintertime Books - Family Time

2010-12-12T16:49:00.000-08:00

Inspired by my sister in law (to be) and the books they enjoy reading as a family over the holidays, I thought I'd share a few that we are enjoying. Each night we select 3-4 and read them as a family. Here are a few of our favorites. What books are you enjoying reading as a family during the Holiday Season?

2010-12-02T22:15:00.000-08:00

I've seen two movies lately that I highly recommend.
1. For Colored Girls
2. Love and Other Drugs

For Colored Girls: Based on the novel/play "For Colored Girls who have ever considered suicide." It's amazing, painful, harsh, poetic, lovely, raw, beautiful and empowering. Be ready to have tissues, and no matter what "color" we all are -as women, as humans, we've all been through pain and loss and heartache and we can all relate. (Plus every woman involved in this ensemble cast deserves an Oscar!)

Love and other drugs: Anne Hathaway is amazing! If anyone has chronic pain, or chronic illness (like me) then most likely they can relate to Maggie - who pushes away love, and has convinced herself she doesn't need anyone...because it's much easier to push you away then for you to leave me in the midst of my weakest moment, when I need you the most...that abandonment, being left without anyone to care for you - in the midst of pain, the loss of control, the unpredictable nature of chronic pain, etc...being left alone in it - well, the only way you can survive is to press through and learn not to depend on anyone....not to let anyone "in." Then comes along Jamie...and he has never loved anyone more than himself and he hasn't believed in himself and she shows him who he really is, and who he has the potential to be. He needs her just as much as she needs him. He wants to care for her, and she wants to love and care for him.

Both of these movies brought up a lot of "stuff" for me. I've been through major trauma, I've survived major abuse, I've lived through horrid injustices, I've been dealt a bad hand - but truly, haven't we all. The tricky part is letting someone love you "in it" - truly love you.

I am learning.

2010-11-29T22:15:00.000-08:00

I borrowed this from finding chaos - a blog I follow. I LOVE this idea. For Christmas you get your kids one gift they want, one gift they need, one gift they can wear and one gift they can read. They also add on GIVE - so the kids pick out a gift to give to someone else in need. I love it!

4 year olds are FAST when doing something they shouldn't be doing!

2010-11-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

Slow to rise this morning...the kids are calling, they're obviously awake - I hear them playing nicely, I thought "oh, I'll just rest in here a bit more and then I'll drag myself out of bed." It's my turn, Missy handled the morning yesterday and let me sleep in. I swear it wasn't but a few minutes later and I heard a huge crash. I jumped out of bed to find that the twins had removed all of the letters that usually sit under their art table in an attempt to take them to the living room and make a "race track."

The big crash was their art table sideways on the floor and their art cart (tall, 4 levels full of art stuff) falling to the floor causing every tiny piece of paper, pen, stamp, sticker, ribbon, scissors, glue sticks, etc...to cover their bedroom floor. The funny part was - they didn't care...they just left the art supplies all over the floor and off they went back to their homemade race track.

Oh the wonder of the 4 year old imagination - and how quickly they are able to get things done! Gotta love it!

2010-11-25T01:07:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired
Beyond tired
A bit delirious
Yet, I am awake
The house is quiet..I can hear the kids breathing as they sleep. My love is sound asleep in our bed, and yet, I'm awake.
Sometimes the quiet of the night beckons me, no matter how tired I might be.
I am triggered - watched something that brought up some old feelings.
I am sad - first Thanksgiving tomorrow without my kids (they will be dropped off in the morning back to my ex)
I am so tired - emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally...I just feel spent.
Yet, on this Thanksgiving Day - I am so thankful and so grateful. For all the many blessings and provisions, I am so grateful. May I maintain my attitude of gratitude, even in the midst of feeling so depleted.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Thursday - A day of communal prayer and meditation

2010-11-17T23:45:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow - Thursday - please join us in praying and fasting for God to intervene with regard to the current storm. If your practice is not to pray/fast, yet you meditate, light candles, send out good thoughts/intentions, please join us in unity tomorrow as we all reflect to bring about peace, hope, change, and healing.

Please cover the children, myself and Missy in your thoughts and thank you all for your love and support.

There is strength in love, faith and community. Thank you for being present with us as we face this journey together.

Ally

2010-11-16T03:59:00.000-08:00

Lying here
in the dark
feeling forgotten
feeling forsaken
Trying not to worry
about the future
about my family
Calling out to God
to please intervene
to please right this wrong
Praying on my knees
for the sake of my children
for the sake of justice
Lying here
in the dark
feeling hopeless
feeling abandoned
Crying out my fear
asking for mercy
asking for deliverance
I know You oh God are with me
But I've never needed Your presence more than now
Blanket my children with your protection
Give me faith, wisdom and direction
Cause the anxiety to cease
Allow my heart to rest in peace
Lying here
in the dark
feeling so weak...
I cannot speak
You've promised to be my strength
a refuge...a strong tower
I need you now oh God
intervene and show your power
Lying here
in the dark
the silence is comforting
the sound of my children and my love sleeping
I know we will get through this day
You've said you go before me and prepare the way
Deepen my faith and help me to rest
As I lie my head upon your chest
Fill me anew and make me wise
Cause my spirit to rise
the ashes are many
the wounded hurting
But you've promised to never forsake me
So please God, if you must, break me
take me
and give me away
for the sake of my children
Receive my offering

2010-11-15T21:28:00.000-08:00

Be near me Lord Jesus
I ask you to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray
Bless all the dear children
in thy tender care
and take us to heaven
to live with you there

This is for my children. They are the loves of my life and I would lay down my own life for them. I will always fight for them - and will never give up fighting for what's right on their behalf. I will protect them, keep them safe, teach them, love them, help them grow and do all that is in my power to provide the best loving home for them. But when it's out of my control...I have to pray and trust that God can and will draw near - and will work on my behalf...on their behalf.

God, we need this now. Please.

My heart condition - or rather, the condition of my heart

2010-11-14T20:00:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like a good health scare to cause you to focus on what really matters. We get so caught up in the day to day...all of the distractions that take us away from being really present. I recently thought I was having a heart attack. Pain in my chest, down my left arm, couldn't breathe, etc...after a few ambulance rides, 3 doses of Nitro, a GI cocktail that numbed my upper half, 3 EKGs, a stress test and lab work...turned out to be extreme esophageal spasms; which is not fun and can kind of feel like a heart attack.
But overall great news is that my heart is fine. In fact...more than fine. It is full and so grateful. When you go through something like this, you realize that life is short and at any moment we, or any of our loved ones, could be gone from this life. Every single moment counts. As I've reflected on this I have decided to intentionally have an attitude of gratitude...very timely for the season of Thanksgiving that we have entered, if I must say so myself.
I don't have a heart condition...but the condition of my heart is vital and I have found that an attitude of gratitude helps me to keep myself "positioned" in the face of everything we face in this life. Life is hard. It always has been and always will be. No one has it easy...but it's about what we do in the midst of it that really shapes our character and has the ability to affect those around us for the better. All the heart medicine in the world can't replace what gratitude can do for the "condition" of your heart.
Here is my attitude of gratitude creed:
* I will be thankful, even when I feel like being selfish
* I will be grateful, even when my need far outweighs what I have
* I will be thankful for all of the circumstances that enter my life, as I know they are part of the journey to help me become a better me
* I will be grateful for the little things..that we almost miss each and every day, or that we take for granted as we go about our days: the wind blowing the leaves, the smell of the beach fire pits from down the street at night, the feel of fall - as the crisp air begins to permeate through the day, the sun shining bright - welcoming us to enjoy the outdoors, the rain - watering the earth with "drip drop notes" - the birds chirping, the fact that I can get out of bed today and I have a job, I have a roof over my head, I have a comfortable bed to sleep in every night...
* I am so thankful for love - for God's amazing love - full of grace - and poured out for all. For Missy's love - so pure and raw, bringing healing and restoration to my very being. For the love of my children - always constant, strong and full - filling my tank when I'm running on empty.
* I am thankful for my family. My father - who is finally present to God and to me in a way I've never known. My mother - who as her health fails her, her heart which is SO full of love to give, continues to lavish it upon me and my family.
* I am thankful for my friends. My true friends - who know me, and love me in spite of all that they know. My friends who challenge me, and process life with me, and bring encouragement and hope to me in times when I need it most.
* I am thankful that my basic needs are met and I am able to provide for my family.
* I am thankful for life and I hope to remain present each day - giving back and allowing the amazing wonder and beauty of love to continue to change me, grow me, renew me, restore me, heal me and to fill my cup to runneth over.
So, I do not have a heart condition - but the condition of my heart is something I will focus on each day. I hope you will too.
An attitude of gratitude....it will have an effect on you and all of those around you. I promise!

National Coming Out Day - Monday, Oct. 11th

2010-10-10T22:43:00.001-07:00

A service was held tonight to celebrate being who God created us to be. In honor of National Coming Out Day tomorrow, we gathered tonight at our church to reflect on the unique thumb print given to us all by God. We are diverse and colorful and ALL of us loved deeply by our Creator. We are called to be an expression of Him...and yet if we do not enter in to who we really are, our true authentic selves, due to fear/injustice/rejection/etc....we miss out on what it is God really wants to do through us, as gay people.

We gathered tonight and focused on Hope. Kids are dying and it is not ok. The suicides that have taken place have caused a lot of us to step up and stand up to say "NO MORE!" We must tell our stories and share the hope that has helped us all get to where we are on our own journey.

We are bonded by the "likeness" of our paths...we are a community...we are family.

Tomorrow, on National Coming Out Day...I will continue to live as my authentic self hoping that God can shine through me to touch another. If given the opportunity, I will share my story to hopefully help another find hope.

"It Will Get Better" I know this, because I was the victim of a hate crime for being gay. I have been bullied and have lost friends and family members for being gay. I have stood out on the margins and have learned to find my true self worth and value from within and from God. I know it gets better....I am living proof as many of us are...we all have our stories....try sharing yours tomorrow in honor of those who still live in fear about opening that closet door.

Bonding - Finding commonalities and building bridges

2010-09-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

Missy and my angel face - drawing with chalk and creating togetherThere are so many lessons we can learn from our children. My little girl loves to create. She loves to draw, to paint, to color, to read stories, to make up stories and to sing. She, like most young girls, enjoys sharing all of her creations and is very proud when she has completed a project. She and Missy have been bonding lately and it's been a beautiful thing to watch unfold. We both respected her journey...and let it happen organically and it's so sweet.

What I love about Missy is her innate ability to find the common ground and to build from there. This is such a lesson for all of us. How often do we shut each other out, or deny another any grace or understanding because we approach each other from a place of fear and insecurity, rather than find the thing we have in common and approach one another from a place were we can relate and actually find that we can share in each other's experiences. I am convinced that changing our perspective and approach will build bridges where you didn't think possible.

We as humans are so good at division and isolation. We are so good at finding reasons why you won't understand me and I certainly don't "get" you. We judge, we make assumptions, we find "difference" and we selfishly use it to help justify our own positions.

Today is the International Day of Peace. Today, I challenge you as I challenge myself...Reach forth and make an effort today, in peace, to find a commonality with someone that you really don't like very much. Maybe you have very different views on family, on ethics or politics, or maybe you really differ on how you parent, or the way you show love to your partner/spouse, or maybe you have been really hurt or rejected by someone, or possibly you feel that you are not good enough because you don't meet the expectations or standards of someone else who has projected that upon you.

Today, in peace, find a place of commonality...there is something, I promise you, that you share with that person in your human experience. Find a common ground and try to approach them from a place of peace and understanding. Bonds will form and a foundation will be built. I am watching it happen with my daughter and the love of my life. It's a wonder...how we all want the same thing underneath it all anyhow...to be loved, to feel safe, to be known, to be heard and validated for who we are and what we can bring to our world.

Let's reach out and bring that to one another today on this International Day of Peace. It's my challenge today as well....let me know how it goes for you, ok? I will do the same.

- Peace Out

2010-09-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

Eat
Pray
Love

Try to find pleasure in "the art of doing nothing"

Seek God, the divine Creator, and remember that if you want to live in the castle, you must swim the moat

Don't run away from all of the possibilities of your life, out of fear - remember, losing balance for love is living balance for life

Eat
Pray
Love

2010-08-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of Missy and her twin sister Mary - per request ;-) ;-)

To also share a bit more about the parenting style Mary and Eric are committed to - it's what I would call natural, organic, attachment parenting; which is something very familiar to us in Southern California. However, Mary and Eric live in one of the most conservative parts of the entire US and have been called "hippies" or "beatniks" because they are free thinkers, they welcome diversity, they believe in community & they have many people as part of their "extended family." For example...there's a house down the street with 7 bedrooms and about 10 people live there, in community, and share everything and are "a family." We have learned a lot about "living in community" and it's been so good for our souls. We might have called it "commune living" back in the day...but it's amazing to sit around a huge table with over 15 people, including couples, babies, kids, single guys, etc...who all love and care for one another, who all contribute to the "family" and who are all like minded with regard to their living space and their relationships with one another. It's quite inspiring. All of these things aren't the "norm" in a small, dutch, christian reformed, college town....and all of these people in "the blue house" accept one another and where they're at on their journey - with regard to life, purpose, spirituality, relationships, the world, etc...This amazing community of wonderful people exists in the middle of a town where we were pulled over and harassed with regard to the "nature of our relationship" and where if we lived here as out lesbians, we would not be able to get a job. CRAZY! But...this trip has been so good for our souls and we are full of gratitude!!

Iowa....who'd a thunk it?

2010-08-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

Who knew Iowa would include an amazing group of people who choose to live in community, serving and helping one another, caring about the social injustices currently taking place in the world...people who intentionally position themselves on the outskirts and dare to stand out...especially in one of the most conservative places in the US?

I sure didn't!!

It's also an amazing thing to meet the twin sister of the woman you love. Having twins, I am of course very tuned in to their special, unique bond...but I never knew I would fall in love with a twin. Meeting Mary (Missy's twin sister) and getting to know her, being in her home, being welcomed into her family and observing the love and care that exists between her and Miss, has caused me to fall even deeper in love with Missy. It's like it all makes sense now...like something was missing...a piece of the puzzle that I just couldn't put my finger on that caused things to not feel quite complete...but now, knowing Mary...I feel that I know Missy in a way I didn't before coming here. It's quite sweet and I feel very blessed.

I also am very inspired by Mary and Eric's desire and commitment to be who they are, to raise their kids in the way they feel is best, to live and create their home and community in the manner that feels right to them...even when neighbors, family, or other locals don't agree with their particular style. I know that for me, as a parent, I easily get trapped into putting on all the expectations of others as if it's my daily uniform and then I begin to shape my life based on what they feel is right for me and my children. I hate this and I want to be strong enough to stand apart and do what I feel is best for my kids, even when it seems to be "against the grain."

I spent 4 years trying to fit into the mold created by the mother of my children. I felt that in order for her to love me, I needed to be all that SHE thought I should be...as a person, a parent, a partner...and I always, always failed! In her eyes, I am sure I am still a failure....but truly, it's only because I am different. I do things differently and I believe it's important that my children experience me...the authentic me. I believe that it's important that I teach my children to be strong and courageous and to stand up against injustice and to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves and to love fervently no matter what, even if it means that others judge you because they cannot fit you into their box of comfort and familiarity.

So many opportunities for reflection have emerged in Iowa.

I want an intentional group of people to be "OUR" community
I want to teach my children to help others, to serve and to "see" others who need their love and support and to not be afraid to offer it - in kindness
I want to do guided meditation adventures with my children
I want to create time and space to explore and experience life and relationships - with Miss and my children - as part of our community - and to NOT get stuck in the day to day
I want to give back and teach my children why it's important

Mary, Eric, Izzo, Truby...I am so blessed and grateful to have spent this time with you, in your home, in your town, with your community. You are all going home with me, in my heart, and I can't wait to see you all again soon!

2010-07-31T23:34:00.000-07:00

"Feels like home to me...feels like home to me...feels like I'm all the way back where I belong."

2010-07-31T23:31:00.001-07:00

My Heart.
My Love.
My Home.

2010-07-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

lots of sunshine

lots of water

lots of love...

and a new family is blooming!

2010-07-09T13:45:00.000-07:00

Homophobia: Per the dictionary...

1. Fear or contempt for lesbian and/or gay men
2. Behaviors based on such a feeling
3. Unreasoning fear or antipathy towards homosexuals or homosexuality

People reject what they don't understand
They judge, condemn and reprimand
They stay safe and comfortable in their high position
Looking at me with disdain and opposition
Underneath it all, we're really all the same
Yet they will always need someone to blame
I'm different yes, but WHO I love is not key
It's HOW I love that actually makes you different from me
I love unconditionally, with acceptance and grace
You love with restrictions, worried about saving face
I guess we're not the same, thanks for making that clear
I love freely and you live in fear

2010-07-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

Preschool Photos...they took them individually and then the school allowed all twins & triplets to also take a photo together. I can't believe how grown up my two little ones look...and T must be standing on something cuz they are the same height. Oh boy...this coming year is Pre-K and then Kindergarten. WOW!! I remember when they were little babies and I would snuggle them, one in each arm, and they would nuzzle and fall asleep and we'd all 3 take a nap! Wow - time flies!!

2010-06-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

a day without plans

where everything is free

to naturally be

and as beauty and love reveal itself

the most amazing day unfolds

the shower, the love, the bed, inside you, inside me

the books, the worship, you worked as I read

the fun, the laughter, the love permeating the room

the pharmacy, the bank, the babies...oh the babies

a day without plans

boy, we should not make plans more often!

2010-06-22T23:37:00.000-07:00

your beauty, in raw honesty, is inspiring
your smile, from across the room, melts my heart
your eyes, full of intense color, look over me and I feel known
in the core of my being
i know i am not alone
let my love guide you
it's time to come home
no more damage
being slung your direction
no more wounding
no more self rejection
it's time to rise out of the ashes
& take off the grave clothes
for your beauty, in raw honesty, is inspiring

2010-06-17T01:50:00.001-07:00

the longing in her heart is piercing
it reminds her that she is 'not yet'
becoming is a process that requires waiting
she's being carved and chipped away
the constant grasping for air is tiring
if only the sun could shine upon her it's warmth
but each day brings a new beginning
and her desire is greater than her fear
peace is present, if only for moments
and love is slowly penetrating her soul
grace abounds in great measure
as she embraces her true self
as she embraces me
as she embraces free
becoming is a process that requires waiting
but joy cometh in the morning

2010-06-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

Mommy, C and Little T on their 4th birthday!!! You are amazing, wonderful little people and I am so blessed that God gave you to me!! I love you both immensely and I promise to show you that love truly can conquer all...true, authentic, God inspired love.

Thank you for letting me be your mommy!

2010-06-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

Beauty
Through you, I am in awe
You give unconditionally without requiring anything in return
Rawness
Through weakness and vulnerability
You allow the magnificent to rise up from the struggle
Spirit
Through surrender and humility
You allow the essence of God to be revealed
Heart
Through settling into your truth
You expose others to a higher standard
Joy
Through laughter and play
You remain grounded in the moment
Kindness
Through empathy and compassion
You SEE others and care deeply about their condition
Love
In you
All around you
Flowing through you

You are anything BUT the average girl!

2010-06-08T12:32:00.000-07:00

you surprised me
i didn't expect you
i'm taken off guard
feeling a bit off kilter
but it feels amazing

you fascinate me
i'm captivated and intrigued
i'm sure it's a journey;
discovering you...
but one i hope to take

2010-06-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a long time since I have posted on my blog. I haven't been ready. I was not sure I would ever be ready. However, I am now ready to reclaim this blog as MINE. I started this blog to write, to process, to discover, to memorialize, to journal, to network, to connect and to create. I have taken a few months off due to major life changes. Transformation and change is a part of my every day existence. I am walking a journey that is painful & difficult, but promises to purify and renew.

I am single.
I am a single mom.
I am sharing custody of my children.
I have moved.
I have my own home; for me and my children.
I have amazing friends and family that have supported me and continue to do so.
I am loved by God and He is taking care of me.
I am going to be ok.
I am changing.
I am healing.
I am recovering.

I will reclaim this blog as my space - I must. I have made some changes to it, in order to make it feel like my space. I am a writer and I will continue to write.

2010-02-08T20:45:00.001-08:00

The bible says there is a time for everything. I believe this to be true (as did Kevin Bacon in Footloose when it was "a time to dance!") I have entered a new journey. A time for mourning...a time to be changed....a time to reflect and consider all that God has provided...a time to choose life, in the midst of pain that feels an awful lot like death. There is a time for everything.

The bible also says that joy comes in the morning and each new day, God has new mercies for us...and He provides for us each day - give us THIS day, our daily bread (provision).

I am grateful for all that I have, but I have taken a lot for granted. I don't know why or how that happened, but I am realizing that at some point I stopped investing at a certain level, knowing that the other would always love me.

Well, there is a time for revelation and that time is now.

I receive the "aha" moments, as Oprah calls them and I will take a fearless inventory and I pray for the strength to take each step, one at a time until "times" change.

And hopefully my next journey will bring a time of rejoicing, of dancing (Yes, KEVIN BACON!) and of pure joy!

Until then, I will soldier on!

2010-02-06T20:56:00.001-08:00

it rained today, cleansing the earth...and the cool breeze on my face felt heavenly as i walked thru the puddles, pondering the land's thirst; which is hardly ever quenched.............and as the tears began to flow, so the cleansing began within me...and as i gazed toward the beautiful sky, watching the birds soar overhead, i wondered...will the thirst in the deepest part of my soul ever be fully satisfied?

the land soaked up the rain, drinking it in as the parched cry for more continued, searching for the next drop...and the next...and the next. and as i closed my eyes and took a deep breath in, i felt you...in the deepest part of my being...and i was sweetly surprised that your presence had not been purged from my core self....and even tho you may not know it, you are the perfect mate to my soul's longing......the desire for more of you instantly envealoped my heart and turned into craving....and as the parched cry of my inner man still searches for the next drop....and the next...and the next....i will journey forward.

oh my sweet song, your love is my battle cry...
oh wounded warrior....may the healing within my wings enable us both to rise up out of the ashes...
lay down your sword and surrender this fight
and may we both find our soul's perfect peace

2010-01-20T19:25:00.000-08:00

WOW 2010! CRAZY!
As I sit here in the quiet I can hear little T coughing - sick again, thank you pre-school germs..and C keeps talking in his sleep. The winds and rains that are blowing out there are creepin me out. It's sunny Cali, we're not supposed to have tornados and 75 mile p/hr winds and 25 ft waves - geesh! And, let me add...we totally don't know how to deal with this weather...oh my, the commute home was so HORRIBLE! At least I am home now though - yea! C is doing so good in school and his overall engagement and interaction has been totally improving. The other day I heard him say "excuse me mama, can I get by you" which is something I've never heard from his mouth before...and we're working on potty training. He initiated it - wanted to wear big boy underwear...and he's doing really well so far. One day at a time! Today he brought home a super star award because he kept his underwear dry (oh it's the little things that make mommy so proud)! He has also been staying on topics for longer periods of times. Even our friends noticed that he was pretend playing on the same subject for a long time and interacting with the other kids! I am so grateful for school and for his teachers! My T is back in school - only one class per week/evening (tonight) so that is not as bad as last semester. We're waiting to see if she can apply to the Nursing program in the fall...we're hoping and praying so! Well that's all for now...just enjoying the quiet - minus the little coughs and sleep talking and howling wind and rain pouring outside...but that's nothin these days - simply blissful!

The Absent Man

2010-01-02T22:02:00.000-08:00

You were supposed to be
my everything
You were supposed to be
my prince charming
When I looked up into your eyes
I was supposed to realize
That I was a princess and no matter what enemy came my way
You'd fight the bad guy, win the battle and save the day!

You were supposed to be - so much more than you were to me - so much more than you became.

I tell my daughter of happily ever after...When she asks if she can be a police officer, an artist AND a mermaid when she grows up, I tell her yes she can. When she looks at me and says "it's all going to be ok mommy" in the midst of the silence as I am processing the loss of not having the father I deserved....when she says "Tell me the story of when you were born mommy" and as I begin I say well there was Ga-Ga and Grampa Glenn...oh wait, you don't really know him do you....somewhat talking to myself and not expecting a response, she interrupts me and says, I know him mommy...we saw him at Auntie Amber's house (which was once like 6 months ago)... this absent man who has not given me anything that a father was meant to provide to a daughter, and yet my daughter remembers him and knows that he, that man who she hardly knows, was my daddy... and to her - because of how important family is to her and to us, she knows that if he was my daddy, he's important and that means something!

I don't look forward to the day when she is disappointed by the reality of who people really are compared to the idea of who people should be based on their roles. She knows that a family is made up of people we love and who love us. She will know that I love him. She will know someday that the people we love don't always know how to return the love they deeply feel for us.

He's not a bad man...he's just a hurting man who at one point in his life decided not to deal authentically anymore which led to a life of selfishness, addiction, isolation, arrogance and cruelty causing him to have 2 failed marriages and 5 children who all struggle to have any kind of a real relationship with him.

As I became a parent, I elected to take on the responsibility of modeling for my children. I know that part of the responsibility of being a parent is to be an example; to constantly teach and mentor them, while constantly being present, engaged and available to them and loving them no matter what - helping them learn that their behavior doesn't define who they are, but helping them to make good choices and to become their very best - their full potential - and that they are capable of giving back all of their gifts to God, the world and those around them. As I do this, more and more, and have these moments with my children where I am depositing (intentionally) these seeds and watering them, I am faced with how very much of this was not done for me and it makes me sad....sad for the little girl who didn't receive what she deserved, sad for the young teen who lost all sense of safety and security and no longer had any foundation on which to stand, sad for the older teenager who had no direction, guidance or someone to talk to who was invested in her and thus gave up on everything she once valued, sad for the 20something girl who was still searching anywhere and everywhere for love, affection, validation and to feel of value, sad for the 3osomething woman who has now grown and matured more than her own parents and who as a parent is committed to breaking the cycle - but still, does not have anyone to model how to accomplish this. But mostly now, I am sad for him. He is alone, troubled by his demons, hiding from anything real and life changing, unwilling to grow or seek out anything that might produce life and bring about health in his life. How sad - as I am quite sure that as a young child he didn't have someone who was invested in him and I suppose then, that he didn't receive what he deserved - and actually I know it was quite the contrary...his childhood was full of fear and pain.

I believe in God. I believe that He created us. In knowing Him, I believe that it was his heart - his intention - that our parents be a reflection of Him; of His never ending, totally perfect love for us. I believe that as we receive this from our parents, we are truly receiving the heart of God and that in all a parent does, he/she is reflecting a passionate, never going to forsake you or give up on you, be there for you no matter what, self-sacrificing, lay down my life for you God!

Above all the lessons we teach our children - I believe the most important is that they learn to love God and know that God loves them - because they know, from the actions and deeds of their parents that they can TRUST in love and therefore - can trust in God! I believe this is part of what I give to my children - and as they learn to trust me, to depend on me, that my word is true, that I keep my promises, that I will not leave them, that I will always be there for them, that I will protect them, that I have their best at heart, that I constantly think of them and their needs, that I love them more than anything else in life - that all of this is a representation of how God feels about us and I, as a parent - am truly meant to teach them, in all of that - about Him.

You were supposed to be
an example
You were supposed to be
an expression of Him
When I listened to your heart
the journey to Him was supposed to start
Leading me to a love that would defy all others
As my dad, you were supposed to lead me to the Father

I forgive you and love you - but still face the sadness and disappointment. What saddens me more is the man you've become - and the life and love that you've shut out of your life. I believe that we will have to answer for the things we've done and also for the things we have NOT done that we were meant to do...there's so much that you have not done as a father, as a husband...as a man, and I am sorry and sad for you.

My daughter, who remembers you ...to me-this absent man, yet she who believes in happily ever after, believes in you and believes that you are special and important...she is right, and she teaches her mommy all the time of the real lessons in life - to love others, no matter what and to call out the very best in them by seeing all they could become...she apparently hasn't given up on you, in fact, I think she's just getting started. Maybe someday you'll get the opportunity to see yourself through her eyes and realize that you still can become your best.

Christmas Photos - 2009

2009-12-09T19:41:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays!! The twins are 3 1/2 and I can't believe how very grown up they look. Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday season and a Fantastic New Year!

Time for an Update

2009-11-23T19:31:00.000-08:00

Well, I realize a lot has been goin on and I haven't updated my blog in a while. So, here goes...The kids are in school and C is responding so well to his teacher, the class, the structure, the techniques of teaching and shaping his behavior, it's just wonderful. We can see evidence already and it's such a blessing and a relief. Little T loves her class too...the teacher says she's really engaged, right there with her on everything and she's really bright. Well, we knew that, now didn't we. She also gets some fun alone time with T, so that's been fun for both of them. We celebrated Thanksgiving last Saturday with my side of the family and so this Thurs. we are going to pull out all the boxes and decorate for Christmas, YAY! The kids are excited and already talking about Jesus' birthday, Santa bringing presents, the tree, the lights, etc...C said he was going to sit on Santa's lap and ask him to bring him a park..yes, that's right, he wants a park for Christmas. I told him that might be a bit out of Santa's budget. Then, T's mom and dad (Grammy and Pop-pop) in MN sent packages that we received today with wrapped Christmas presents and the kids are so excited! We are going back to Redding for Christmas to visit my Aunt and Uncle and they say there might be a little snow. It will certainly be cold and crisp and should make for a fun Christmas. The kids are totally excited...they loved being at my Aunt's house. My great neice is getting so big (7 mos) and my nephew and his wife are pregnant with their second child already..wow!

I haven't been doing so good with the healthy eating as of late...I need to get back on track. Right now we're all sick with colds and sore throats - so hopefully we'll be feeling better soon. I sure am thankful for my wife and my kids - I am so blessed to have a family. I love them so!

My little "big" girl

2009-10-27T19:23:00.000-07:00

My little T, growing up so fast. You know the stage where kids say very insightful things, and very factual things, not trying to offend or hurt anyone, but obviously just realizing and commenting on things within the world - as they see it? Well, here are a list of insightful and funny things recently said by my daughter.

1. Mommy, you should tell your work that you are busy with your family and never go back. (AMEN! ;-)

2. Everyone is different, like you have dark brown hair Mommy, but we love you anyway.

3. Ga-Ga, your tummy is big, my tummy is small.

4. Since babies are born 2 at a time, where does the other baby go when families only have one?

5. Can I be nocturnal so I can play with Peeps kitty while everyone sleeps at night?

6. I don't want C to be alone, so I should be with him in his preschool class.

7. Ga-Ga, when you were little, where did you and Grampa live?

Oh, kids say the darndest things!!

2009-10-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

Engrossed in the Vikings vs. Ravens game today - the Vikes pulled it out at the end!!!! WOO-HOO!

2009-10-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well, still workin on making healthy choices, just one meal/snack/etc...at a time. Some days it's pretty easy and it feels great and I desire to exercise and everything. Then, there are days like today and I just want to eat. I'm hungry and I want to snack and I want to eat good tasting food. I think I am PMS'n, so no wonder. 18.5 pounds down...will keep on truckin. It's a lifestyle - about moderation and balance and not just about the moment. I can do this...I really can.
Anyhow, on the kid front, C has his IEP next week and then he's going to start school the very next day - SDC (Special Day Class). He'll go all day, from like 9:00 - 3:30. That's a long day, but I understand that for autistic kids, the reinforcement is huge, the routine, schedule, etc...
It's really weird, I know that kids eventually grow up and go to school and their parents don't accompany them, but now being a parent, it's a bizarre thought to me that my kids will go and have this life - completely separate from me - and experience things and build relationships and try to navigate the world WITHOUT me. It's very odd and I think what if some thing's bothering them, or I can tell something hurt their feelings, or what if some other kid is mean, or what if no one is friendly to them....it kills me to think they'll have to deal with all of this WITHOUT me or T. I know, I know...we all did it, but being a parent now, it just doesn't seem right!!!!
On another note, the Vikings (football team - became loyal fan through marriage) are currently 6-0 and doing great - they may go all the way to the Superbowl and I promised T a long time ago that if they ever go, we'd try and get tix. I better start savin my money! Here is little T and C, rootin for the Vikes!

Positive Change

2009-09-30T19:56:00.001-07:00

Well I can't believe it's October already. The only thing exciting is that Pa's Pumpkin Patch should be opening soon and the kids LOVE the rides and fun stuff at Pa's. About a month ago, I decided to start making healthier choices regarding what I eat and just take it one day at a time, making the best choice at the moment. I also decided to drink tons of water each day because my body really feels better when I do. As a result, I've lost 14 pounds!! I am so excited and I have A LOT of weight to lose, but that is not my focus and I am not going to rush it. I want to be healthy and I want to have energy for my kiddos, so I will keep pressing forward and try to make good, healthy choices. I won't deprive myself, just try as much as possible to eat healthy. As a result, I pray the weight will just keep falling off. Eventually, I will start to exercise also, and that will help me feel better.

So, I will keep posting here as my journey continues. Healthier lifestyle, it's you and me babe!! ;-)

Race 4 the Cure!

2009-09-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today, T ran the Susan G. Koeman Race for the Cure 5K. I was so proud of her. She and a friend both signed up and trained a bit and they did great! It was so emotional, seeing all of the breast cancer survivors and watching them cross the finish line as well. Today, we raced for T's mom, our good friend Carol, our good friend Jody and our good friend Mary. It's amazing if you really think about the stats...1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer. Over and over today, we heard stories today and the main theme was early detection and early treatment. God bless all of the women who have already walked this journey, and those that still will. We WILL find a cure!

Redding Vacation 2009 - A Total Blast!!

2009-09-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

What fun we had in Redding. We drove all night Thurs night, arriving around 8:15am Friday morning. My Aunt and Uncle have a beautiful home in a gorgeous forest of a neighborhood. We had breakfast and decided to go out on the lake. The kids loved it. We tubed, and drove the boat around, rode a jet ski (the entire family, including the kiddos), took an early evening boat ride and had fun times hangin at the house in the jacuzzi and beautiful surroundings. Little C was in heaven because every single room at my Aunt's house had a fan, and he is obsessed with fans - loves them! Little T had fun with Auntie as they both put curlers in their hair at night. (of course Auntie would keep hers in all night and little T took hers out after about 5 minutes.) T went kayaking in the early morning and I LOVED rockin the jet ski around the lake at 45 miles per hour. I even survived as I flipped it (on accident) 3 times! oops! I got a little crazy - but had the time of my life! We will hopefully plan a yearly trip to visit...and the kids were awesome road trip companions. I especially loved when they woke up at 2am and we all had french fries from McDonalds (which NEVER happens) and then sang and laughed...that made it an offical family road trip for sure! We're back home, tan and rested. Thanks to my Aunt and Uncle for being so gracious! A great time was had by all!

1st Road Trip

2009-09-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well, we're off...to hit the road for the next 9-10 hours. We're going to Redding to stay with my Aunt and play at Lake Shasta. I can't wait...the boat, sea-do, sun, ect...also she has tree frogs and fishies in the pond and the kids are gonna love it! Now, we've done the airplane thing 3 times and we're pros, but...not the open road. This is our 1st family road trip. The last time we went anywhere in the car together, it was Big Bear and the kids were about 1 1/2 and they both got car sick and threw up all over within 5 seconds of each other. I cried...what a bad mommy I was, not thinking that my babies could get car sick and just hailin it up the mountain. So, this time it's long and flat driving, so that won't be an issue. We are driving all night and hopefully the kids are going to sleep. It will be dark and we'll be on the freeway, so chances are good...but you just never know. Vacation here we come...I'll post more when we return!

Cousins

2009-07-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

Little T loved holding her baby cousin, and C thought it was so cute that we tucked them in together for nap time. He kept looking over at her, rubbing her head softly and then giving her a kiss on her head. It was so sweet. At one point, she spit her pacifier out on accident, so then C spit his out...it was pretty cute! (Yes, we still allow the kids to have their pacifier at nap time - not ready to tackle that quite yet)

The OC Super Fair 2009

2009-07-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

We had a blast over the weekend at the Orange County Fair. One of the kids' good friend joined us (with her mommy) and it was tons of fun! It was super hot though. I totally recommend going at 10am when they first open...no lines, worth it! I'm sure we'll be visiting again soon. T and I are going on 8-8 to see Melissa Ethridge play at the Fair - Live and Alone - Can't wait! The kids went on a pony ride and I just didn't feel right about it so I won't do that again. The ponies looked so sad and tired and hot and they had to walk around in a circle attached to this gizmo...it just didn't seem right. I am sure these ponies were not created to do this....just my experience. So, I'm not goin to do the pony ride thing again. But overall, a fun time was had by all!

Cousins

2009-07-14T22:49:00.000-07:00

Little T, on the right, with her 2nd cousin, baby Vanessa. Little T is so loving and sweet. She adores baby Vanessa and is so gentle with her. They were both cuddling on Auntie Amber's lap. Beautiful!!

Rough Waters Ahead

2009-07-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

Well now that we live in Huntington Beach, we have this new "beach" lifestyle. And this new lifestyle, well it requires a certain fashion sense.

Here, let's allow the picture to do all the talking.

My boy C, circa Summer 2009 - heading out to the deep waters of the community swimming pool. Oh come on now, you know you wish you looked 1/2 this cool when you were 3 and just learning to swim! ;-)

Angry at the world!!!

2009-07-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

I am angry! I am angry that my son has Autism. I am angry that his symptoms seem to be getting worse and there's nothing I can do to help. I feel so helpless! I am angry that all the doctor's want to seem to do is make him fit into this box of what they think Autism is and then put him on drugs. I am angry that we share a little about some of his meltdowns and all of a sudden the doctor writes up an evaluation that says he has tantrums for hours and is aggressive. He is NOT and his tantrums have never lasted longer than 1 hour max. I am angry that there is this need to make him dangerous or in need of being on psychotropic medication. That is BS! I am angry that he has this disorder that takes him away from me at times. I am angry that his senses get so overstimulated that he cannot even go with me to the grocery store. I am angry. I know I'll get over it...but right now I feel so angry and helpless.

He is my boy and I'll be the first to describe his challenges and tell you exactly what he needs help with, etc...but he doesn't need to be on pills! I HATE DR'S THAT JUST WANT TO PRESCRIBE MEDS FOR EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!

He is my boy. He is my boy!

2009-07-07T17:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't posted in a long time, I know...bad blogger! Well, since I am layin in bed sick today, I thought I'd take a few minutes and write a quick update. The twins turned 3 years old!!! I still can't believe it. They had a great birthday party at Adventure City, a little mini toddler amusement park.

We've also encountered A LOT of change. Our dog Morgan had to be put to sleep as her health was failing and her kidney had stopped working. It was very sad. The kids actually think she is still at the animal hospital. We miss you mo-g!

We also moved! So, we said goodbye to the house where the babies were born, and we have moved into a new place. The new house is smaller, but in a better neighborhood and in a great school district!

Also, C has been struggling more and more with his Autism. Some days are really good and some are really, really challenging and draining.

Well, that's it for now. Back to resting I go. I promise to blog again soon.

Perspective

2009-04-23T22:19:00.000-07:00

10 Things a Child with Autism wants you to know.......

1.) I am first and foremost a child. My autism is only one aspect of my total character. It does not define me as a person. Are you a person with thoughts, feelings and many talents, or are you just fat (overweight), myopic (wear glasses) or klutzy (uncoordinated, not good at sports)? Those may be things that I see first when I meet you, but they are not necessarily what you are all about.As an adult, you have some control over how you define yourself. If you want to single out a single characteristic, you can make that known. As a child, I am still unfolding. Neither you nor I yet know what I may be capable of. Defining me by one characteristic runs the danger of setting up an expectation that may be too low. And if I get a sense that you don’t think I “can do it,” my natural response will be: Why try?

2.) My sensory perceptions are disordered. Sensory integration may be the most difficult aspect of autism to understand, but it is arguably the most critical. It his means that the ordinary sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touches of everyday that you may not even notice can be downright painful for me. The very environment in which I have to live often seems hostile. I may appear withdrawn or belligerent to you but I am really just trying to defend myself. Here is why a “simple” trip to the grocery store may be hell for me:My hearing may be hyper-acute. Dozens of people are talking at once. The loudspeaker booms today’s special. Musak whines from the sound system. Cash registers beep and cough, a coffee grinder is chugging. The meat cutter screeches, babies wail, carts creak, the fluorescent lighting hums. My brain can’t filter all the input and I’m in overload!My sense of smell may be highly sensitive. The fish at the meat counter isn’t quite fresh, the guy standing next to us hasn’t showered today, the deli is handing out sausage samples, the baby in line ahead of us has a poopy diaper, they’re mopping up pickles on aisle 3 with ammonia….I can’t sort it all out. I am dangerously nauseated.Because I am visually oriented (see more on this below), this may be my first sense to become overstimulated. The fluorescent light is not only too bright, it buzzes and hums. The room seems to pulsate and it hurts my eyes. The pulsating light bounces off everything and distorts what I am seeing -- the space seems to be constantly changing. There’s glare from windows, too many items for me to be able to focus (I may compensate with "tunnel vision"), moving fans on the ceiling, so many bodies in constant motion. All this affects my vestibular and proprioceptive senses, and now I can’t even tell where my body is in space.

3.) Please remember to distinguish between won’t (I choose not to) and can’t (I am not able to). Receptive and expressive language and vocabulary can be major challenges for me. It isn’t that I don’t listen to instructions. It’s that I can’t understand you. When you call to me from across the room, this is what I hear: “*&^%$#@, Billy. #$%^*&^%$&*………” Instead, come speak directly to me in plain words: “Please put your book in your desk, Billy. It’s time to go to lunch.” This tells me what you want me to do and what is going to happen next. Now it is much easier for me to comply.

4.) I am a concrete thinker. This means I interpret language very literally. It’s very confusing for me when you say, “Hold your horses, cowboy!” when what you really mean is “Please stop running.” Don’t tell me something is a “piece of cake” when there is no dessert in sight and what you really mean is “this will be easy for you to do.” When you say “Jamie really burned up the track,” I see a kid playing with matches. Please just tell me “Jamie ran very fast.”Idioms, puns, nuances, double entendres, inference, metaphors, allusions and sarcasm are lost on me.

5.) Please be patient with my limited vocabulary. It’s hard for me to tell you what I need when I don’t know the words to describe my feelings. I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened or confused but right now those words are beyond my ability to express. Be alert for body language, withdrawal, agitation or other signs that something is wrong.Or, there’s a flip side to this: I may sound like a “little professor” or movie star, rattling off words or whole scripts well beyond my developmental age. These are messages I have memorized from the world around me to compensate for my language deficits because I know I am expected to respond when spoken to. They may come from books, TV, the speech of other people. It is called “echolalia.” I don’t necessarily understand the context or the terminology I’m using. I just know that it gets me off the hook for coming up with a reply.

6.) Because language is so difficult for me, I am very visually oriented. Please show me how to do something rather than just telling me. And please be prepared to show me many times. Lots of consistent repetition helps me learn.A visual schedule is extremely helpful as I move through my day. Like your day-timer, it relieves me of the stress of having to remember what comes next, makes for smooth transition between activities, helps me manage my time and meet your expectations. I won’t lose the need for a visual schedule as I get older, but my “level of representation” may change. Before I can read, I need a visual schedule with photographs or simple drawings. As I get older, a combination of words and pictures may work, and later still, just words.

7.) Please focus and build on what I can do rather than what I can’t do. Like any other human, I can’t learn in an environment where I’m constantly made to feel that I’m not good enough and that I need “fixing.” Trying anything new when I am almost sure to be met with criticism, however “constructive,” becomes something to be avoided. Look for my strengths and you will find them. There is more than one “right” way to do most things.

8.) Please help me with social interactions. It may look like I don’t want to play with the other kids on the playground, but sometimes it’s just that I simply do not know how to start a conversation or enter a play situation. If you can encourage other children to invite me to join them at kickball or shooting baskets, it may be that I’m delighted to be included.I do best in structured play activities that have a clear beginning and end. I don’t know how to “read” facial expressions, body language or the emotions of others, so I appreciate ongoing coaching in proper social responses. For example, if I laugh when Emily falls off the slide, it’s not that I think it’s funny. It’s that I don’t know the proper response. Teach me to say “Are you OK?”

9.) Try to identify what triggers my meltdowns. Meltdowns, blow-ups, tantrums or whatever you want to call them are even more horrid for me than they are for you. They occur because one or more of my senses has gone into overload. If you can figure out why my meltdowns occur, they can be prevented. Keep a log noting times, settings, people, activities. A pattern may emerge.Try to remember that all behavior is a form of communication. It tells you, when my words cannot, how I perceive something that is happening in my environment. Parents, keep in mind as well: persistent behavior may have an underlying medical cause. Food allergies and sensitivities, sleep disorders and gastrointestinal problems can all have profound effects on behavior.

10.) Love me unconditionally. Banish thoughts like, “If he would just……” and “Why can’t she…..” You did not fulfill every last expectation your parents had for you and you wouldn’t like being constantly reminded of it. I did not choose to have autism. But remember that it is happening to me, not you. Without your support, my chances of successful, self-reliant adulthood are slim. With your support and guidance, the possibilities are broader than you might think. I promise you -- I am worth it.And finally, three words: Patience. Patience. Patience. Work to view my autism as a different ability rather than a disability. Look past what you may see as limitations and see the gifts autism has given me. It may be true that I’m not good at eye contact or conversation, but have you noticed that I don’t lie, cheat at games, tattle on my classmates or pass judgment on other people? Also true that I probably won’t be the next Michael Jordan. But with my attention to fine detail and capacity for extraordinary focus, I might be the next Einstein. Or Mozart. Or Van Gogh.

The Adventure

2009-04-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

I woke up last night around 3am (well, technically it was this morning) and there was a foul, horrid, scary smell permeating the house. After snooping around to try and figure out where it was coming from, I woke up T. She then snooped around and tried to figure out where it was coming from. Then, little C woke up, who has very alert senses and he couldn't go back to sleep. Eventually, we decided to be safe and evacuate the house until morning, at which time Grandpa and T could return to the home front and call the gas company to find out what was causing the odor. Was it a leak? I don't know...but it made me sick and gave me a headache.

So, off to Grandma's house at 4am. The kids did very well (surprisingly) and we snuggled them in and they went back to sleep until 8:30am. YEA!

T and Grandpa returned and the gas company sent someone to the house. Luckily it was not a leak, but something he thought came through the vents from the outside. The neighbors were painting their house, so we went and smelled their paint...nope, not the smell.

Hmm...we have no idea. Thank goodness it's almost gone (a bit strong still in our bedroom, yea, really lookin forward to going to bed...NOT!) I have such a sensitive nose and it will make me sick...so here I sit, in the living room.

Anyhow, it definitely felt and smelled like a chemical reaction of some sort. It was awful.

As little T said when we were leaving at 4am and we had just woken her up, "What's dat yucky smell mommy? Let's get away from it and go to Ga-Ga's!"

Thank God for Ga-Ga and Grandpa!

2009-04-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

Little T, so sweet and beautiful. This week, while I've been home on vacation, she has been acting out a little bit. It's my opinion that even negative attention is attention and since we've been giving C a bit more attention lately due to his recent diagnosis, I think T is not sure why and she wants more of our time and energy. So, I've been trying to give her more of me when I am home....and it seems to be helping.

I talked to her the other day...about our boy and I said, you know how C has a hard time sometimes, well can you say autism and she said "autism" and I said well that is something C has and sometimes it just makes it hard for him to work through things. I said, we will just have to help take care of him ok? She said, is he sick (and it reminded me that she is only 3 - almost) and I said no baby, he is not sick, he just needs some extra help sometimes, can you help mommy with that. She said sure mommy! It was so darling. I do believe that she is his special angel. They have such a bond and I know she will help him immensely through this journey. I am so grateful for my boy who is so sweet and my girl who is so caring!!

2009-04-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter! We had a fun time this morning as the twins found their Easter Baskets and then also went on an egg hunt. Although, then they (of course, silly mommy) wanted to eat every piece of chocolate and every jelly bean in each egg...so we had to quickly cut them off! We made it to church, but then had many melt downs, as church is just too much for C these days. Too much stimulation, too much social interaction...it really sends him over the edge. I know some adults that have that same issue with Church....hmmmm, interesting.

All in all, we had a fun Easter. Now, we are all on vacation. I don't have to work all week and the kids and T are off school. We have lots of fun things planned as a family.

Here's wishing you and yours a great Spring Break!

A Shift in Reality

2009-04-08T15:00:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, trying to get well. I've had mono and enlarged, infected limphnodes...and I am headed back to work tomorrow. (Been out only 3 days, compared to the usual 10-15 that most people miss when trying to recover from mono.)

And...in the midst of this recovery, we receive news that will forever change our reality. Little C, my boy, has high functioning Autism. There were signs and we had concerns, but then he would overcome the issue or challenge and we would dismiss it. He is also verbal and he is loving and affectionate, and I had only read about kids with severe (or classic) autism who were not affectionate and who were non-verbal, so again, I didn' think it applied to C.

Now that I read about ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder, I see so much of my little boy in the symptoms described as "high functioning." He is verbal, but doesn't connect with his feelings or the feelings of others. He has some challenges socially and doesn't engage with you always (eye to eye). He doesn't play with other kids, but prefers to play alone. He is obsessed with ferris wheels, cogs, gear wheels and things that go round and round. Apparently this is common with autistic children as well. (being fascinated with some topic/object)

So, we are processing and researching and at the same time, I feel so sad and grieved for my boy and the challenges he may face. I feel alone, in this world; that no one could possibly understand...and yet, I know there are other parents who have gone before me. I am constantly (every waking moment) on line looking for more research, studies, etc...and then when I hit my limit (overwhelmed completely with information), I feel guilty for trying to just relax, sleep, get well, watch a movie, etc...I know that we will love and support him through this journey, but he was just diagnosed yesterday and so it's still raw and fresh and I am sad. I am sad for him, his twin sister, for me and my partner, for the world...and I don't want the sadness to overtake me. I know he is loving, sweet, funny and smart...but then I read about the challenges during the teen years or during adult life that he may face and I am so sad yet again. I am still processing everything of course, and feeling so heavy in my heart...but I do know this, I love him and will protect him and support him all the days of my life! He is my son. He is highly intelligent, has an amazing memory, has an infectous laugh and his spirit is very sweet. I will love him and do whatever it takes to help him through this!!!!

Test the water...but then DIVE IN!!!

2009-03-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Little T at her first Beach Trip, sitting in the water, checking it all out. You know, that so represents how we approach new things in life as people. We want to try it out, check it all out, sit for a bit and get used to it and then decide if we really want to commit and "dive in"...put yourself out there. Recently I had a friend tell me to take it slow and not trust so easily. You know, I don't agree with that advice and maybe that is why I do get hurt from time to time. I take people at their word and I believe them to be honest and good; until they show me otherwise. For example, I have a new colleague at work who has become a good friend already. I believe that new friends arrive and surface in your life at just the right moment. I am sure you've heard that saying - Some for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime. Well I am so fortunate that he and I have become fast friends. Right off the bat it was obvious that we had a lot in common, but even more so, he is genuine, honest and trustworthy. If you have ever worked for people, or with people, who are disingenuous, deceitful and people who betray your trust, you know how very valuable it is to be able to trust someone and know that they truly have your best interest at heart. That is how I feel about him...so thank you Joe for your friendship. I am so glad we are in it all together!! Hi Javi...congrats on your new home!! ;-)

Easter 2007

2009-03-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

Easter 2007 - we were tryin to get pics of the kids. They got these soft, big bunnies from some friends of ours, so we were trying to prop them up and get a cute pic. LOL...they just kept slumping over and slipping down; the bunnies and the babies!

2009-03-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

2nd year birthday was curious george

1st year birthday was a barnyard bash

AND...I can't believe it's that time again. The twins will be 3 in 3 months!!!!!!! We are thinking of doing a Carnival Theme...with hot dogs, popcorn, cotton candy, games and of course, possibly a FERRIS WHEEL. Those of you that know us well, know that my son is ADDICTED to Ferris Wheels. I am hoping it all works out. We'll have to wait and see.

Little T - she makes me SMILE!

2009-03-17T19:23:00.001-07:00

Little T and her famous smile...it started in the womb!!!

Future Dreams

2009-03-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of dreams...about our future as a family mostly. I always wonder when you reach that point...you know, when you no longer have dreams that are for yourself, and now have dreams for the entire family. It's kind of like shopping. I love to shop and used to shop for myself or T. But once we became pregnant (and ever since) I now always shop for the kids. Even when I go specifically to find something for myself, I come home with things for them and not me. When does this occur? This transition? I guess it must be part of the change that happens when you become a parent. Being a parent requires sacrafice. But sometimes I wonder how do we sacrafice and be the parent we need to be, and yet still find the time (emotionally, physically, etc...) to maintain our own "personhood?" There are some generations of parents who would say "once you become a parent, you lay down your life and you don't exist any longer." While I understand that perspective, I think it's important that we parents maintain some sense of self and try to take care of our own person, as well as be a good, sacraficing parent. I am just still trying to find that balance. I think T and I are good at taking time for us, going on dates periodically, etc...but I think we both need to provide independant time for the other to take time away, JUST FOR THEMSELVES, no one else! I am going to try and work on this.

P.S. That cute pic above is just for kicks and giggles!! ;0) Little T was laughing so hard and it just makes me smile.

2009-03-10T19:46:00.000-07:00

Here is Little T and her friend playing dress up. They, along with their other little friends, came parading through the living room in numorous different outfits. They had a blast! I especially like "B"s look - the pacifier, the blue dress and of course, he didn't forget his axe! All of the elements for a mighty good time!

Change is constant! AGGHH!

2009-03-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

The one thing I can count on is change...and yet knowing that does NOT make it easier. We are in a state of flux with the kids...a state of transition. They are not babies anymore, yet are not really big kids. They are toddlers and they want their independance.

We have overcome one hurdle, I am just so happy to announce: the kids are going to sleep on their own. No more rocking! Thank you God! I love to rock and snuggle, and we sometimes do this for one song after story time, but then we tuck them into their beds and they go to sleep on their own. I know, I know...many parents accomplish this a lot earlier...but it just never happened for us. UNTIL NOW! YEA!

We are still working on the potty training and the pacifier...one hurdle at a time darn it! ;-)

Pound the Water With Me and We'll Keep on Keepin On

2009-03-05T21:52:00.000-08:00

You know I talked with some friends tonight and we discussed some of our "issues" in life that keep trippin us up. Sometimes it's a blessing to be self aware, and other times not so much. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who truly doesn't have a clue...they seem so happy. The grass is always greener though, right. Anyway, so I am realizing that I am someone who really likes my vices because they work. They give me comfort, they make me feel better, they take away whatever fear and anxiety I may have been feeling, etc. They work! But, what I am realizing is that there is always a cost. Most times I am in denial about that part...but I feel that my conversation tonight really removed the veil...well, ripped it of really...and I am glad. In the end, I am glad that I see myself and even though it's not always pleasant, I have the power to grow and change. Those happy, clueless people, well they don' t have any power and they'll always be happy, but also always clueless...but I have the opportunity to deepen my own sense of self, my relationships with others and my offering to our world. I guess the best part about talking with good friends about real stuff is knowing that I am not alone. So, I will take the journey (yet again) one step a time. You coming with?

New Stuff

2009-02-21T21:21:00.000-08:00

Little T let Auntie put a french braid in her hair. I can' believe it. She won't even let me put a clippy or pony half the time, but she let Auntie braid her hair. Here's a pic.
New Furniture: There's nothing like bringing new style into your home to lift one's spirits. Our friends were getting new furniture and we struck a deal buy their current living room set. (It's beautiful) It has brought new warmth and comfort into our living room and I LOVE IT! Even the kids love it. Thanks again Ash and Jack!! ;-)

On the Fam: The kids are getting so big. I can't believe they'll be 3 in like 3 months!!! OH MY GOODNESS! (I better start planning their bday party, geesh!) They are so sweet and cute and in a Mickey/Minnie phase. Little T is Minnie of course, and I am her best friend Daisy! They are best friends and she named me. She named T Donald. It's pretty cute. Even when she needs me in the night, sometimes I will hear "Daisy." It's pretty cute.

2009-02-07T02:25:00.000-08:00

We have a billion digital pictures of babyhood, so I just thought I'd post a few here and there. Doesn't C look so "busted" in this pic. The funny thing is that he still wrestles and plays with little T like this today.

2009-02-07T02:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I lost my patience. Tonight, I felt like spanking. I was angry and frustrated. I will apologize to my little T tomorrow, as I feel grieved. She will not even know, but I feel that I resented her for the first time. I am sick (relapse of pnemonia), T was at school, she was asleep in my arms and as I went to put her in her crib, she woke up and cried and wanted me to hold her. I think she was just having a really hard time staying asleep and she's getting over an ear infection. C was asleep already and I didn't want her to wake him up (the joy of multiples)...I raised my voice a bit and told her I was really mad. I love her so much, and I know she isn't aware of it, but for the first time I felt resentful that I could not meet my own needs (nose running down my face, sneezing, coughing, headache, and really wanted to go to bed). I feel so guilty and grieved. It's not her fault that she couldn't sleep and needed some extra mommy cuddling. It's not her fault I am sick again (and really tired of being sick btw). It's not her fault either that she is a twin and sometimes I just wish I could make a decision that is based only on one child's needs and not based on both. I was really frustrated because C coughed himself awake today during nap time and needed sleep and I didn't want her to wake him up. That's not ever anything a mom of one baby has to think about when parenting. But, again, that's not her fault. I don't want to be resentful, ever! I made the decision to be a parent and I am so blessed by my children. Even when things are tough, I love and adore them. Sometimes though, deep inside, I wish I could meet my own needs once in a while...I am still trying to find that balance. Before kids, I was really good at taking care of myself, setting boundaries, nurturing myself, taking time for me, etc...not selfishly, but actually in a healthy way. I need to find a bit more of a healthy way, as a MoM, to still take care of me. Is this even a reality? I should ask some of the moms of multiples I know who have older kids. It's amazing, we appear to have it all together...people have always remarked on how amazing we are as parents, our routine, schedule, activities, full time mom at home, etc....people say we make it look so easy. Let me just say, it's not easy at all! We do everything we can for our children, to provide for them and care for them and teach them and love them, but it's a journey people...and we are constantly learning. And here, let me just go on the record regarding some of the things we are really working on 1) we can't bear to take the pacifier away at night 2) we still rock the babies to sleep at night 3) sometimes we give in to preserve the peace and not have a struggle and we should really stand firm against our decision...oh, and 4) what happened to our sex life? does anyone know?

2009-02-07T01:58:00.000-08:00

This is "J" and she is the most amazing, loving, wonderful woman. She was our lactation consultant and has been like family to us ever since. This picture was taken in Feb. 07, on Valentines' Day. We went to visit the hospital where the twins were born. Since that time J has been fighting a very advanced stage of breast cancer. She is a woman who has devoted her life to the breast, and to the core belief that all women can successfully breastfeed. She helped us when we were going through a lot and as many of you know, T became the champion pumper and breast feeder (with an entire fridge in the garage full of breast milk) Sometimes life is so hard to swallow. T has sent J many CD's full of healing, inspiring music for her many chemo and radiation appointments. We pray for her and love her. She has made a dramatic difference in our lives. Our babies lives have been enriched forever because they were breastfed (sorry, but I believe breast is best). Thank you J, we love you deeply!

Twins and Twins and more Twins

2009-02-02T19:55:00.000-08:00

Our boy/girl twins with our friend's boy/girl twins - they are two weeks apart. The boys sat together and the girls sat together as they rode a car ride at Pa's Pumpkin Patch this past fall. Twins are so much more prevelant these days. I mean gosh, every other couple in Hollywood has a pair now. I still think it's a mighty special thing, to have and raise twins. There are many lesbian moms with multiples, since some of us are older and are more at risk for a multiple birth. As many of you know, my sister has twins. So, even tho T carried and birthed our twins, it's very possible that I could have twins also, whenever we decide for baby #3. Of course we would make do...but I pray for a singleton (as us multiple moms call one baby) Twins are amazing and rewarding, but lots of work. I think some of us just get used to the chaos and wouldn't really know what to do with just one baby. I know sometimes I will take one shopping or something and it's so different to have just one. You really do adapt to your environment...for now, it's Twins all the way...but next time around, hopefully only one baby at a time.

2009-01-25T15:15:00.000-08:00

a year ago

she finally let go

in one moment she drifted away

her strength i admired

her body so tired

from the fight she endured each day

her soul was full

didn't take any bull

took life on life's terms, no matter what

and as her heart looked toward

the rugged point of her sword

she laid it down as her eyes slowly shut

she didn't lose the fight

her goal always in sight

to live, love, laugh and tell her story in song

she won in the end

she was a mom, daughter, sister and friend

and everyone who knew her will carry her memory on

There are times in life when your heart simply connects with another...sometimes it's immediate. You can't explain it. It's not always romantic, sometimes it is...other times it's as if you were somehow separated at birth and just drawn to one another life family.

That was how it was with Jeannie. Everyone who knew her was instantly drawn to her. She was a source of life and everyone wanted to be around her.

Thank you Jeannie for letting your soul shine so brightly in our world.

I miss you still.

2009-01-21T23:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I should be sleeping...it's so late and the kids could wake and I have to be up early...yada, yada, yada! But, here I am. So, time to write to all of my anonymous friends out there in cyber space about the intimate inner details of my life. Funny how we do that, isn't it. I guess it's like an on-line diary for anyone to read...well, here's my entry for tonight.

" Dear Diary, getting over pneumonia, last day on steroids, missed a few days at work...glad to be getting back to real life. Too much down time for me takes my brain and my mood to weird places. Work is really stressful and busy. Kids started their new session of Pre-School this week. My good friend turned 40 today (but she doesn't look a day over 25!). I decided to check my myspace page tonight (haven't done that in forever) and I had an email message from my first boyfriend 20 years ago. Yes, yes, yes...I dated men...as a lot of us did when we were exploring sexual intimacy and relationships on that journey of self discovery...let's see, it took me about 2 more years before my first female relationship...and then I dated both men and women for the next 10 years. But that was really about my own internalized homophobia and my own fear....oh well, I digress. So anyhow, my first boyfriend is married, lives in Arkansas and has two kids. Yea for him! I am one, as most of you know, that strongly believes that we have people in our lives for a reason...some for a time, some for a specific reason, some for life, etc...and I believe that if we have a love for someone at any point in our lives, it's for a purpose. Even if that romantic love ends and our lives go separate ways, I always hold a love and fondness for that person. That is why I am friends with most of my exes. Now, I know...not all of you agree and some of you think it's weird, but...if I loved that person and was with them for a period of time, there must have been a reason in the first place...sometimes we all get ahead of ourselves. I have a really great friend Jyl and she and I dated...we just didn't work and we make much better friends. Anyhow, I think that caring for people doesn't stop once you realize that the two of you are not life long intimate soul mates! I say all of that because I was thinking back (20 years ago) and thinking of Danny and what I really liked about him was his easy going way, his humor and his zest for life. It appears (from his myspace page) that he still has all of that....so good for him. I'm happy for him. It looks like he has a good woman that keeps him on track (he kind of needs that) and enjoys hobbies and such and has a daughter and a son. WoW! Amazing how we can find out so much about people these days because we all publicize it on the internet through myspace or facebook or our very own blog. Crazy! Well, I wrote Danny back and maybe we'll chat here and there. Funny how people pop up again.

Alright Diary...that's it for now...better hit the sack!

P.S. I was looking through some old photos of the kids and the pic above made me laugh. I love the different expressions on both of their little faces. Though I'd share...you know, just for kicks and giggles. - Me"

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas...

2009-01-21T23:26:00.000-08:00

Well, we made it to MN for a white Christmas and had a blast!! The kids played in the snow, went sledding, built a snowman and made snow angels. However, all the fun happened in about 30 minutes and then we had to get back into the house before we froze. It was like 7 degrees or something. It was so beautiful though. It snowed and snowed and I even caught snowflakes on my tongue! I know, I know...I'm such a California girl...but I think I should have been born in the midwest, I just love it! I have to say though...it's such a hastle getting all bundled up every time you want to go outside for goodness gracious sakes! C, our boy, was so picken frustrated with the time it spent to get on our snow pants, boots, hat, scarf, mittens, jacket...etc! He was ready to play and by the time we opened the door he was just about over it. Little T could have stayed out all day...she's got her Mama's blood, not mine. She loved it! We also had an awesome time with T's family. One thing learned...never take a night flight home...insane!

Here are a few pics.

2008-11-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

My Handsome Boy!

2008-11-19T20:17:00.000-08:00

My beautiful Girl!